the sign is as clear as day

July 16th, 2026

since i have never seen him since that monday, my brain keeps replaying old memories to keep me enthusiastic about him. about our interactions and the signs hes giving. was he flirting or was he just being nice. but because this is my delusional hub, so here are some interactions that make me sure he was into me:

he said my name a lot in class. this is not a new thing, maybe he just thinks i would be the only one to respond to his questions. he thinks we're friends like that. he said other peoples names too, but he said my name more. "besides Damia, who else use flutter?" "Damia or any other group has question?" "Damia, damia. what i said just now" "im gonna pick a random name. Damia" "Damia you're actually suck for this" "Damia go home bruh" "whos your teammate? Damia, hardipak, who else?" 

he called my group Damia's group, while he called other group as group 1 or group 3. "Damias group does a great job" "you can refer to damia's group" "Damias group, hardipak"

he put his feet on the bar of my chair, so his body was fully facing me. the entire time we talked, his whole body was facing me. he even put his elbow on the table and put his head on his hand so it would face me. he was focusing on what i was talking about even though i had no confidence he would care what i talk about. he tried to imagine Game On when i told him about it. he was like, "wait im trying to picture the place". i was so nervous as hell i didnt know he would care about it. 

he saw my personal whatsapp group named 'Group tipu tipu' and started using it. i showed him our app, and asked where i got my floor plan. he never sees it before, so he was shocked. i opened my whatsapp to show him where i got it infront of him and he was observing that shit. the page land at group tipu tipu, so i guess thats when he saw it. when i opened the floor plan, he was like "tipu tipu tipu tipu". LOL. at first, i was like dia ni pahal, tiber. but after i saw my whatsapp, i was like ooohhh so he saw the group. but the entire time i showed him my laptop, he was obersving it like he was analyzing something. maybe he wants to know about my life, maybe he just like to lurk around peoples laptop. who knows. he was looking at my bookmark tabs and my home screen. i hope he perceived me as cool when he saw my 5sos wallpaper. or maybe he didnt know 5sos. he even asked about some softwares i had, like FortiClient vpn. he asked what im using it for. i said i used it for last sem's class. we used it to connect to hpc for training very big dataset for computer vision class. he asked whats hpc. i said i dont remember, so i opened my phone to see HPC room i took the day before. i scrolled my gallery,  he was watching me the entire time, and im afraid he'd see my free hair pictures. so i said "i couldnt find it" and kyle was like "bro youre not even scrolling". bitch. i sighed and seacrh for it again, the room apparently was named in malay. i showed it to him anyway.

he stopped mid conversation with someone just to talk to me. "wait damia just joined" AAARRGGHH. i'll never get over that.

he wanted me to look at him that monday. im not delusional, i saw him going back and forth in the foyer. he saw me of course. he saw me going to the cafeteria. he went there and sat at his friends table, which was next to my table. he saw me getting up and going back to the foyer. he followed me there and i guess he just wanted me to see him. he saw me going to the vending machine. he saw me going inside the cafeteria. he peeked inside the cafeteria to see where i sat. he saw me walking behind him. he turned around to SEE ME. he wanted me to see him. he walked there the second time, he saw me throwing my trash in the garbage can. he wanted me to see him for the second time. though he gave me the lamest smile, i forgive him. i dont know what hes thinking at the time. 

he remembered little details i told him. that i used flutter for my project, that i went home every week, that my sister picks me up, my twins name. 

he asked about me to my friend. he was doing an online class during mid sem break. he wanted to do it on Saturday 8pm. i was in thailand at the time. i cursed him when he sent me the meeting link. only two people joined the class, my friend and other guy. he asked her "wheres your friend, damia?"

he laughed at my unfunny jokes. he asked deni's name. i told him "if my name is damia, guess her name" and he was like "aimad?" i was taken aback of that answer so i side eyed him and shook my head. then he went "dania?" and i said yeap. and he was like "wtf" and giggled. its not funny, but he laughed anyway. i made a lot of jokes when we talked that friday. i just wanted to impress him tbh. i saw my opportunity window to make him think im funny and cool, and i took it. i dont remember what jokes i told him, but i remember his laughter. i remember the way he covered his face when he laugh. i remember his dimples. 

he wanted to invite me to mixue. its obvious now that i think about it. there were only 5 people in that class. everyone was dead quiet. only me and ashman interacted with him the entire class. he was in the good mood because we were bantering a bit. i made stupid jokes to him, he was teasing me about going home every week. when he was talking about doing mixue hangout, he was asking me if i want to join. HE WANTED ME THERE. the sign is as clear as day that he wanted me to go. but i dont want to go with anyone else. i dont care about ashman. i just want to be with him alone. he was sooo dissapointed when i said im going home. he was like "damia youre actually suck for this". he must have planned that i will be there too joining them. but then im not joining. he even bring it up the week after that. hes still think about it. how he fumbled a hangout with me. hes still trying to ask me out when he decided to physical class that friday. he didnt even do poll, because he really wanted to do physical class. he really wanted that hangout to happen. from what i recalled, hes not a morning person. he sleeps late at night playing fifa and started class a bit late because he overslept. but then he wanted to do physical class in the final week where everyone may or may not already going back home. he was dissapointed when he couldnt do physical class. when he said he wanted to do hangout at mixue, he must have thought i didnt join the event that friday. that it will be me and a few people that attend his class, like before. maybe he was confident that i will be there, thats why he took the risk and wanted to belanja everyone zus instead. lowkey he too picked up the sign that i want to see him as well. i always voted for physical class whenever he do the poll. it must have striked up to him that i want to see him. but whatever, i wanted to make it obvious anyway. im an adult now, i hate giving mixed signals. 

he teased me on going home every week. "okay damia you can go back to your hometown now" i know what hes trying to make me laugh. he tried to get a reaction out of me. is that not a clear sign? when he called out my name to present, he wanted to talk to me. like how we talk in those online classes. 

he wanted to impress me when he told me when he started to watch f1. when i told him im doing my fyp about f1, he thought i was a hardcore fan that have wathed f1 for a long time. he thought im very passionate about f1 that im making it my fyp title. thats why he said hes been watching since 2020 and made fun of dts fans, to impress me i guess. but i took it as him being snobbish. and when he asked me about when i watched f1 again, h was genuinely shocked that i just recently watched f1. i hate him for that honestly. i hate that reaction from him. i keep replaying that moment in my head. i think hes trying to make me feel better by saying im a hardcore fan because i watch the race. but its not helping, the damage has been done. i still think hes snobbish. hm

he asked me to look at his face, which at first, i thought maybe its normal to him. but when i think again, he barely wanted to look at my face that monday. so when he asked me to look at his face to ask if he looked tired, maybe hes just want me to look at him? because i avoid a lot of his eye contact? i dont know what hes trying to achieve with this. maybe its his way of flirting? thats a weird way to flirt. maybe he wanted to look into my eyes? whats going on honestly. i still dont understand.

this is all i can think of now. since our friendship is slow burn kinda type, that i started to develop feelings towards him in the early of june, so theres nothing much to say. its too bad that we just started to get close when the semester is almost over. if it only took us one month to get this close, imagine how much we would have become in 3 months? maybe he would do physical class every week. or we would have our first date. we never know. 

its exam week now. i miss him like crazy. i found myself looking for his face in every crowd i passed by. we had exam in faculty on tuesday. i was hoping to find him there, but the faculty was empty. we had another exam in faculty the next day. it was mobile app, his subject. he did wish us all the best for our exam on saturday. i was the first to react with "🤘" emoji. wanted to give this one "🤟" but in sign language, it means i love you. i know it probably means nothing to him because its not like everyone knows sign language. its okay if i gave him that to give him a hint, but im not sure. what if someone in that group knows about sign language and they saw me gave him that and they thought im being so obvious? worst, what if HE knows? i know im overthinking this, so i just settled for the one without the thumb. anyway, he wasnt there. i was hoping he would be there to see me one last time, since he knows where and when our exam was (our lectuere mentioned it in the group). but the faculty was empty, again. 

i had another exam at KAA that evening. this is where a lot of exams are held. so again, i was hoping to bump into him. i searched for his face in every crowd i passed by. i saw some of his batchmate, but unfortunately i couldnt find him. i dont know why i want to meet him so bad. maybe its because i already created a fake scenario where we would bump into each other and we talked and he asked when my exam is finished and i told him today at 4.30pm and and he said what a coincidence, me too! and asked me to go to zus with him to celebrate our last paper for the week. i wanted to go to zus with him so bad. i had imagined us walking from kaa to zus together, us sitting in that crammed space, him buying me a drink, us talking about our fyp or exam, me taking picture of us because i need to show my friends that i had my first date ever, him agreeing with any pose i asked him to do, us talking about our life like we used to, him saying this is fun lets do it again, me excusing myself to go because its almost 7pm and i made a joke about him getting kidnapped by hantu tetek, us waving each other goodbye for the last time infront of the zus, and finally me walking back to college with earbuds deep in my ear listening to olivia rodrigo. we both would smile all the way home.

man, im so into deep with this guy. i dont think i'd find a way out. it will took a while for me to move on from him. because what we had was real. he showed me signs that hes interested in me, even my friends pointed them out. i know i shouldnt trust my friends because they only heard stories about him from me. they dont see our interactions. the stories are from my pov. i could have made it sounds like hes interested in me because i romanticized every little interaction. 

anyway, i hope i can see his face one last time before semester break. im going through a psychosis right now where im completely numb inside. i dont feel like studying because my fake scenario doesnt become a reality. it works the last time. but it wont work this time, because i already used my free trial that monday. im a zombie in my body, im a train off the track and the colors are all flat. i know he wont be missing me like this, he probably doesnt even think about me. but i dont care. i got maggots for brains because theres no closure in our companionship. i never know if we gonna end up as friends or as couple. i never know what it feels like to hangout at mixue with him. i fumbled kyle. and now i had regrets. we almost become friends and i missed the opportunity. he could teach to play guitar, he could teach me about shadcn/ui, he could give his opinion about my fyp, i could make him the beta tester for my app, i could invite him to play jigsaw puzzle together, we could play piano in my house together, we could watch movie together, we could go to trx and see the direction screen, we could read BOOKS together. oh my god, i really fumbled kyle.

i dont hate myself for that. it was a reasonable thing to do at the time. i said im going home, so of course i couldnt join them. but its just that i feel like me and him could have more if we both just talk it out. if i wasnt scared to talk more to him that friday. if he was not so awkward that monday. if we could sit down and have a conversation for the last time. i just want to talk to him. lately i find myself wanting to share to him about every little thing im going through. i want to share to him about my fyp and the horrible within, about my exam, about my pedi, about funny things i found on the internet, about f1. i also want to hear about his day. hows hes been holding up lately, about his fyp, about his exam, what he eats everyday, about his twins. literally everything. 

i found myself picturing us doing stuff together. travelling, getting dinner, studying, attending weddings, going to the mall to fix my phone, thirdwheeling deni and her boyfriend, playing jigsaw puzzle, playing lego, attending those aesthetic pasar seni-esque events, taking pictures in photobooth, reading books in library, going on multiple kino dates. whenever i see people post couple videos on tiktok, i imagined us. funny how i never think of this with adam. i mean i do think of us doing stuff together, but never this extreme. because i know adam doesnt like me like that. but with kyle...

i hope we can meet again. it doesnt have to be in faculty. it can be anywhere else. like in malls or something. or maybe in NU empire subang (his local mall). i know where he works. with this much information i gained, i can literally plot an "accidental" meeting with him. he will think its a sign that we meet each other in the most random place and i will think im a disgusting stalker. but of course, i wont do that. why would i spend this much energy for a guy that barely knows me. 

i have another paper on wednesday next week. but i dont want to hope because i know im gonna meet with dissapointment anyway. i finally told dafinah about him two days ago. because i know only dafinah and sazu would like to hear about me and my loser love life. though she didnt give the reaction i wanted, but it was okay. i dont tell her everything because i think its a normal interaction now that im thinking about it. but i do tell her some butterfly moments. she was like "wow youre so into that guy" not "wow that guy has a thing for you". but she did say "maybe he likes you" eventually. i tried to deny it, because im not sure if he likes me. i know the sign is as clear as day, but if he actually likes me, then he would be plotting to "accidentally" meet me or if hes normal, he would message me or something. maybe deep down he regrets not returning back my hi, so now hes embarrased to face me. but idk. i dont think im that special. he'd probably met other women with the same humor as mine anyway. 

dafinah also asked if he has a girlfriend. this is the topic i hate. because sazu asked the same question too. maybe because adam had a gf when i was head over heels for him, so they just want me to be more cautious. but i was a bit annoyed because why would he talk to me then? why would he voluntarily sit next to me and asked about my life if he has a gf? why would he ask to a mixue hangout? why would he care about me in the first place? i just feel that if a guy has a gf, he would be a bit nonchalant. he would not care about other girls. and even hes the red flag type that talk to all girls, but red flags mostly only talk to pretty women. i dont look like the type a red flag guy would go for. i look like a loser. and im pretty sure kyle can pull a pretty woman, given how he looks, and he would never look my way. i know this can be contradicting, because most of the time, when a man cheats, he would go for a girl less prettier than his gf. but maybe because i dont take kyle as an idiot like that, so i dont think he'd do that. i feel like him asking the whole class to hangout is a sign that he has nobody. he didnt go home every week, so that signifieds that he didnt have gf outside upm. and a man with gf would at least dress up a little, but he only wears the same tshirt and sweatpants. he walked home alone. he played fifa until late at night (unless if he lied to me and he was actually on call with a girl). he took online courses and joined programs and volunteered to be lab demo on friday when usually people with gf would go on a date or something. i stalked his moms fb, theres no picture of him bringing a girl to family dinner or sat next to a girl. i only saw him bringing his roommate to his family gathering. hes just like me getting dragged to any family function and only played with kids because i dont want to talk to adults. the only thing that made me doubt a little is he has this big ass keychain on his bag. men usually dont carry bag with keychains because theyre boring like that, unless the keychain was given by someone special. this is where i have to keep a distance from him. i have to restrain myself from pursuing him further because i still dont know much about his life. 

this will be the last entry i write about him. i dont know what else to say. i dont want to keep repeating the same content and go crazy about a guy i barely know. there are multiple entries already, on here and on my journal. i realized i think about him too much. he probably never think of me like this. its like a one sided fantasy. i promised myself to stop thinking about him because it kinda takes a toll on me. i wasted a lot of time watching those "signs your crush likes you" tiktok, when deep down i know none of that is real. what we had is a brief connection and a regular interaction. i dont like him and i only like the idea of us. i only think i like him because i have curiosity. a crush is just lack of information. 

but if we have another "accidental" meet again, i will definitely update here first.

until then, goodbye.