because i liked a boy

June 22th, 2026 & July 6th, 2026

i feel pressured somehow to deeply learn coding, all because i liked a boy. 

it should have been a good thing right? to actually learn and understand what im doing. because he is so smart, i feel pressured to follow his steps. to know what he knows. so i can understand his tech jargon he likes to use to make him seems smart. 

i feel pressured to actually know F1 because i liked a boy. everytime i watched f1 race, my brain suddenly remind me of that time kyle said "bro i thought you were f1 fan!" thats so rude of him, and i think he did feel the same way too. maybe thats why he suddenly becomes nice to me because he must have think its too harsh. i resent him for that. i never get to watch f1 the same after that. i always feel like an imposter trying to fake watching f1. i know people like him is just snobbish and "terpaling", but somehow he haunted my brain everytime im doing my fyp or watching f1. i always wonder "is he gonna proud of my fyp? will he be dissapointed? is he gonna think im not fit to do this topic? does he watch the race and think of me?".

i cant do my fyp without thinking of him. i hate that he knows this much about my fyp. i hate that he must have thought im lazy because of that "OBJECTIVES?!". i hate that everytime i want to do it, i am reminded of him and whether or not hes gonna be satisfied of it. i hate that he must have thought im weak because i said i changed the topic. fuck him, lowkey. i regret telling him about my fyp. i should have just stayed quiet. now he wants to belanja mixue because he feels bad about it. 

i found his moms facebook page today (6/7). and oh boy, more new kyle pictures for me! to be fair, i didnt save them this time. i dont want to be a creep. i know how creepy it sounds like if the roles were reversed and it was my pictures that were saved and posted on some guy's private tiktok. so i keep my decency and just admire those pictures from the screen of my laptop. he looks handsome, like he always does. its unfair someone can look this hot and make me think of them all the time. i cant focus doing my fyp because my mind keep thinking of him. i keep thinking about how he must have been dissapointed if he sees how lazy i am to complete my fyp slides, even though my presentation is on 8/7 at 8am. i hate being in love. he just occupied every space in my brain.

he used to work part time at Machines NU Empire. from his moms posting, it seems like he works there every semester break. i searched the store on google map. i searched for his name in the reviews, and lets just say i fell more in love and became more insecure with this man. the reviews are saying how kyle is very friendly, helpful, professional, and knowledgeble. he knows his stuff and helps them with their problems. he also knows how to entertain kids. yes, i find it hot, but at the same time, it kinda fuel my jealousy. why do i have to fall for men who gonna make me more insecure? i hate myself for this. i should not have talk to kyle from the start and fall for him if i know its just gonna turns out like adam. if i know im gonna hate myself more and more and feel like a loser everytime i want to do something. 

seeing his pictures on his moms fb make me miss him more. i saw him holding kids and play with them. i saw him playing guitar (which immediately tick all the boxes) and getting electric guitar for his birthday. i saw him wearing a fuckass f1 shirt. i saw him going to church and getting Confirmation. i saw him and his twin sister doing photoshoot for a parenthood magazine. he looks so cute. i saw him going on vacation and celebrating his birthdays and attending open house. its like seeing his secret life that he never told me about. i want to see his face. i want to talk to him. i want to go to zus with him. if that can make the tension between us less awkward, then i'd do it. 

do i miss him or do i just on my period? 

i dont know if period heightened certain emotions, but right now im severely depressed. i think about kyle and how he knows everything i dont. i think about how much of  a loser i am compared to him. this is the same case as adam, but maybe worst. because kyle is living the life i thought i would live when i entered upm. i want to join hackathons too, i want to know softwares and coding stuff too, i want to work part time during semester break too. the reality just hit me. i thought i'd never compare myself to kyle, since we are obviously very opposite, but here we are. i want to cry so bad. i hate that i think of him everytime im doing my fyp. i think about how he must have looked down on me and my fyp progress. how he must have known everything about his fyp and prepared early, unlike me. i think about how he must have think im too dumb for him that he had to reconsider to be friends with me. he must have think im that stereotype lazy malay person. or that i dont really watch f1, and my fyp about f1 is just so that it sounds nice on paper. or that i used chatgpt for a lot of work, or that i will work normal minimum job after degree, unlike him. 

i hate that he got his life figured out. he looks like the kind of guy who would get a lot of offers after graduation and got senior position in just two years. he knows how to communicate with people and convince people anything. even the machines customers love him. even his moms friends said that hes handsome and he knows how to be a good sales associate. my moms friends never said im pretty. its always "dah besar dah anak ella". 

im so jealous of him right now, that if i meet him at faculty, i would give him that same smile he gave me on monday last week. i have the nerve to think we're the same and that we'd make a good couple, when in reality we are the opposite of each other. yes, he thinks im funny, but then what? he thinks im dumb and lazy and a loser too. i dont think he wants to hangout with me. he just feels sorry for verbally judging me. thats it. is this my preiod talking, or my brain? i dont know anymore. i just know that my fyp presentation gonna be mediocre and im gonna hate myself and comapred myself to every guy i like, forever. i always gonna think im not good enough for anyone if im not good enough for myself. i can attract any guy that is my type, but everytime they show a glimpse of their life that is slightly better than me, thats when i back off. i can never be at their level. liking men like that just proven that having a crush does not motivate me at all. it only demotivates me and makes me feel more insecure. i am never escaping this loserdom. 

do i still blame this feelings on my period?