am i male-centered

June 20th, 2026

what is wrong with me. i cant stop thinking about him

this is a serious case of obsession. i would pick up where i left off and stalked him even more. i would screenshot or screenrecord any media that has his face shown, even is its unclear. i would post them on my private tiktok and add taylor swift sounds over that video. i would go to sleep thinking about him and wake up the next morning thinking of the same face again. its like as if my brain just continue my thoughts from last night. 

its been a week since our interaction last friday and i cant help myself. i need to see his face again. everytime i had conversation with my friend, i'll try to manouver the topic to be about HIM. i desperately need to share to someone what are we talk about. because i cannot keep it to myself. people need to hear it. people need to know that he laughed at my jokes. he said take care to me. he put his feet on the bar of my chair. he shared his hardship with me. he waited for me to come back from the bathroom. 

i want to spill whatever we talk about until im tired and bored and come back to my senses and realize its not that special. just a conversation between two people. 

i hate liking people with no social media presence because i dont even has picture. the only pictures i have of him are blurry pixels screenshotted from his sister's tiktok videos. i also obtained some videos of him back in 2023 posted on his mom's small business' customer's ig reels. it was heavily filtered but whatever. at least i get to see his beautiful face and his biceps. its weird becuase when we talked last week, i didnt find him that attractive. he looks tired and his hair got over his face. but in the video from the video, he looks absolutely stunning. i cant even believe that was him. but thank you very much to that customer, because i now have more of his face i can admire every night. at least its cleared than the screenshots i took from his sister's tiktok.

after kyle happened, i just feel like talk about him to anyone. to my upm friends, my school friends, my family. just so they now its real. i talked to a guy and he laughed at my jokes. im not being delusional. i feel like bringing him up in every conversation i had with my friends. i cant help myself. i need to talk about him. i feel like that male-centered women that people alays discuss about. yk those woman who only wants to talk about their boyfriends, always want to mention how every guy likes her. im afraid i act like that with my friends. but to be fair, my friends ship me with him first. my friends bring him up in conversation first. so i dont think im that bad?

its critical. i have never been like this with adam. or wait, maybe i have. I HATE MYSELF OMG. thats why i hate when im like someone. i disect every interactions and i need to share it with somebody. sazu is not responding to my message. i think she also got sick of me and my crushes. so i JUST NEED SOMEONE i can talk to. thankfully i have this blog. i can be male-centered in peace. without the pressure of feminism to worry about.

we had class with kyle just now. he said my a lot. he was like "does anyone has questions? damia or other group can ask question if you want". like damn bro. dont mention us like that im shy. but seriously im scared of him. scared that im too dumb for him. that i will never reach his level and he must have think im that person who uses ai too code. he must have judge me a lot and reconsider to like me becuase im everything hes against. i know i shouldnt have to worry because thats not my prblem, but deep down i want to be admired. i want someone to look up to me and think im smart. for once. i feel like a loser everytime i like someone. i hate that i have a type for smart guy and then feel like im competing with them. and i feel like im not smart enough to be with them.

i hope whatever im feeling right now stops. i dont want this to get into the way of my projects.

until next time, bye.

is it anti feminist to miss a man that had mansplained to you?

June 16th, 2026

i miss kyle. given how he treated me sometimes, i shouldnt be saying this. as someone who frown upon men on the daily, this is pathetic. do i like him or do i like the idea of us together? definitely the latter. 

hes so handsome i can imagine my friends and family praising me for pulling a soemone like him. i can hear my parents went "maybe she isnt a loser as we thought". my ego will skyrocket right then and there. like i will forever chasing this high knowing i can pull a guy whos actually my type. i know i have high standards and type, maybe thats why im always so insecure with myself. because at the same time im crushing on them, i also felt jealous of them. like "wow, you're really living my dream that i can never ever live". 

its not a surprise that my type is someone i have potential to become, but cant because of laziness. maybe this is why im so jealous of adam, i cant even have the same class as him. thank god we will be in many different classes next sem, so i dont have to feel like im not doing enough all the time. maybe because when i like someone, its because i see myself in them. i see how they are like me, but in different font. so when they are actually better than me, i cant stand it. how can we share the same interest, but you're better than me? why cant i be the best at what im doing. i acknowledge how im so insecure and toxic and jealous of everyone better than me. thats why im trying to stay away from things that can only make me the worst version of myself. i skipped the ig stories of my friends in germany, i skipped adam's stories, i skipped any stories that i think can hurt my ego. i just hate that theres not much self improvement from myself after getting out of a-level. im still the same old lazy me. i cant do shit because im so insecure and at the same time im not worried that im so behind. i hate myself. why cant i change. 

classic me, going off track and cant stick to one topic. anyway, this is about my cute lab demo. i can imagine us together in the future watching f1 from grandstand in spain. us booking the same hotel but seperate rooms because im not that kind of girl. me taking his picture with my sony and instax. him waiting for me getting ready infront of my hotel door. us sitting next to each other in the flight to spain. him inviting me to his family christmas dinner. me inviting him to my sister's wedding and having my relatives giving me the look. us avoiding the marriage topic because it will kill everything we have. us crying in living room discussing whats next for our future. us breaking up on the front step of my door. him leaving my house crying. 

the way that i can imagine us being together all the while knowing we will never have a future together. we know we're doomed from the start, but somehow we cant help it. the love is greater than the force that pulling us apart or wtv they said.

its funny how i already curate the future for both us when we only deep talked once. but i can feel real connection and spark when we talk. (or maybe hes just cute so everything seems so magical on my pov). we talked about a lot of things. there are moments where i got annoyed because his voice is just too slow i cant hear shit. and there are moments where i think he has cute laugh. i know im being delusional, that he probably talks with everyone like that too. that im not that special. but i never had a guy so comfortable with me before. that really wants to talk to me. its such a relief to know that my social skill is not that bad and i dont scare off men with my awkwardness and limited hearing. 

i literally went to the bathroom mid conversation because i dont know what else to say and spent like good 10 minutes in there fixing my hijab and berak and hoping he would go away. because im scared. im scared that my social battery is running out and i would return back to my awkward self. but when i returned back, here was him. waiting for me. my friend said he was quietly sitting there waiting for me to come back. he made eye contact with me when i was entering the room (while i was looking whether he had left or not). and he looked tired and sleepy so i jokingly said to him go to sleep bro. he was making sleepy sound and then looked at me and said "do my face look tired?" at that moment i wanted to scream. why are you asking me to look at your face? damn it this is the closest thing i got of a boy flirting with me. i dont know if its flirting or its just his personality, but i like it. i replied back saying a little, becuase you got eyebags. i dont know it its a good response, but it better than saying "NO YOU LOOK PERFECT".

anyway, i made a joke before i left. i sarcastically said "thank you i learned a lot today" (we didnt learn anything. he was sitting next to me the entire class). he let out the cutest laugh and kinda hides his face. AND AND he said take care. it was very slow, barely audible BUT I HEARD IT. i dont remember what i replied. i think i just laughed it off because im awkward like that. but yes, a guy said take care to me. does this count as flirting? 

its almost a week since that happened and i miss his face. i feel like i want everyone knows about our 1 hour interaction. i told sazu about it because she always supportive about all my crushes. she also likes to feed my delusion so i lover her. i want to share it to my upm friends as well, but i cant. i told them i hate him beofre. i told them i dont find him cute. but they still ship me with him lol. i like it, yes, but i have massive ego. i dont like saying they are right. that he is kinda cute and i like him and what we had is cute. i just told them im uncomfortable (not really).

i already write it down in my journal about this where i disect everything we talked about, already made a private tiktok where i post his face, already told my upm friend about our conversation. but somehow, its still not enough. i want to tell everyone about him. show them his beautiful face. i want to tell God about him, about how i want God to always make him feel loved even if hes from different religion.

i hate that i cant focus on my work because our interactions keep playing at the background of my brain. the way he laughs and the way he said take care. the way he would explained things i dont know. but the problem is, i can somehow slightly recognized from his tone that he was mansplaining some stuff to me. i have many experience with guy like that. im just hoping he is not like that. maybe its just my jealousy that i think hes mansplaining. maybe hes just genuinely wants me to know stuff. but im so insecure i feel like the world calls me dumb. 

but hes alright i guess. its good to know a man interested to talk to me, given how im quiet and not that attractive. my humour is all i have. 

until next time, xoxo.

ruin the friendship - t swift

first ordeal with boomers

February 23th, 2026

im giving up.

i still cant get the subject i want. i want pattern recognition class, but its full. they secretly added few quotas without any notice, and i missed it. the class is full again.

i finally comes to terms that i will never earn a spot there. on friday last week, i asked my advisor if they can add more quota just for me and of course, being a boomer/gen x/late millennial he is, he responded late. i messaged him before 12, he replied at almost 3pm. i hate having to whatsapp matter that is serious to me but not to others like this, because i know they saw my text. they have their phone with them 24/7, they definitely saw the notifications. but because they dont take my matter seriously like i do, they ignored it and decide to reply it later. 

so when he replied, i thought its settled. that they added the quota like how my friend got her spot. but then i read the text. he said to ask the lecturer that is teaching the subject. so with a sigh, because i know im gonna get dissapointed with whatever reply i got, i search for that lecturer's number and text him. i didnt introduce myself, because i thought it would be useless anyway and not like he knows me, i immediately jumped to business. i asked him about extending the quota. and i waited and waited. 

then he replied. i opened my ohone with hope i got my answer, but he replied "who is this? a scammer?" ???? why would a scammer asked about a subject quota! OMG these people really like wasting time. i know its partially my fault for not introducing myself, but why he needs to know who am i anyway. i just need the freaking seat to his class. with so much patience, i introduced myself and waited again. at this point it almost 4pm. all i know about these office people are they dont like to reply to any messages or emails regarding work after 4pm even though their business hour ended at 5. 

again, this is what i dont like about them. they take problem that does not affecting them lightly. they dont care if the problem affects you, they just gonna be like "here damn. i hate that i have to do my job". anyway, the lecturer replied, late of course, and at this point i thought finally, im gonna have my answers. but then he sent me a voicemail saying its not his job to add quota. 

yep. i love interacting with boomers. they love to waste time so much you'd wonder is this how they spend the rest of their life? wasting peoples time? but thankfully, he told me who i can contact to regarding the quota, which is a new boomer standard for me. usually they would leave you a halfhearted answer and you have to ask more to get more info out of them, but he actually gives the info i need. so its okay. not that okay, but my expectations are really low anyway, so ok.

now, you must be wondering, dont these people have whatsapp group? they are in the same department, surely they have some sort of groupchat. why dont they ask the groupchat about that, and discuss the possible solution? instead of me having to ask each one of them and having them to keep pointing fingers until anyone finally has to deal with me? but of course, who am i for them to do that. im not important enough. 

so with a new form of patience and whatever dignity left of me, i emailed the one that is responsible for the quota. shes the head department, so i thought, finally, she cant passed me to someone else. shes the final boss. its her job. the time was 4.38pm, and i know for sure i wont get my answer that day. i have to wait for next monday to get her response. and i just have to hope my email doesnt get burried under other emails in her inbox. i dont know how many email she got in a day, but i hope she saw mine. she has to.

its monday now, time 2.17pm. still no reply yet. i've given up. i know she saw my email, and i know she ignored it because she doesnt want to deal with it. i dindt have high hope, but i have hope. a little, but still hope. i checked the quota for the subject, still full. i checked quota for other elective subjects, they 3 available seats. i grabbed it even though its not the subject i want. well, i guess thats just how the way things go. i know my hopes gonna crumble the seconds things dont go my way. 

i dropped a free elective course, engineering math because it clashes with that subject and right now i am short of s free elective. i dont want to bring this problem onto the next semester because i know its going to burden me, but what more choices do i have. i still hold grudges of my friends taking three elective subjects and did not spare me some. i hate them even more now and i hope they regret being this greedy.

goodbye

i got possessed by digicam

September 2nd, 2023

im in a discussion with myself whether or not should i get a digicam. 

i have some money in my bank, not a lot, but certainly passed if i want to purchase some secondhand digicam from shopee. the only problem is i dont like seeing that money drops. i work every weekend just to get rm90 a week, and i need to save money for when i enter uni later. i still dont know where im going to enrol yet, but it'll definitely going to cost a lot for living. food, books, hostel etc. 

every tuesday, i never miss checking my cart, making sure if they restocking the cameras. i aim for sony cameras, becuase usually they are in better quality. but the problem is they are expensive as hell. rm400 and above. my budget is only around 200-300. im just a girl who wants to have her pinterest aesthetic, why oh why do i need to spend this much. being a pinterest girly should be all about affordable and sustainable. but of course men have to capitalize it and make sure women pay more for this lifestyle. 

anyway, i bought a digicam. not from the seller on shopee, but from carousell. it was a panasonic lumix. dont remember the model, but it was ass. the camera, i mean, the camera was ass. i bought it for rm280, still a lot for old digicam and it was ass. it cannot capture properly and the only the picture came out good was like one time. of course i regret it. i regret everything in my life. this thing is a waste of money.

to make the situation worst, i also brought a handycam. this one was purchased before the digicam. it was a canon handycam. it was great, i love its quality. but the downside is its video format. because this handycam is so old, the modern laptop and editing app do not carry thhis type of format anymore. so if i want to edit video and watch the video, i need to convert the format. again, we live in capitalistic society, everything is a money making opportunity for capatalists. to convert this video format, you need to pay for thier monthly subscription. which was like 10 dollar. who tf needs to pay that much. so at the end, my videos just sit in the sd card, untouched because i cant figure out other way that is free to convert these videos. 

its 2026 now. 3 years after i wrote this entry and never finish it. as for now, two of those devices, the handycam and digicam are broken. they are unusable. they are so old, i cant switch them on. already charge them, but still nothing happend. of course i forever live in misery every day knowing that i wasted almost rm500 for unusable vintage craps. i now learned my lesson and  will never buy anything vintage anymore. fuck that aesthetic, nobody told me it comes with maintenance fee.

dont follow the flow

Feb 19th, 2026

hi its 2026 and i havent update anything for 3 years but whatever.

so quick update, im in my 5th semester right now going to 6th. im currently waiting for the result of my 5th semester. and usually during this time, we can already register for subjects for the next semester. 

the problem came when we about to register for elective subjects. in our curriculum structure, we supposed to take 12 credits field elective and 12 credits free elective. they already specify which subjects are field elective, so we can choose from there. but for free elective, they dont specify, which means we can take whatever subjects in the uni thats available. 

we are in this multimedia whatsapp group where the admin will share info regarding the course or registration. and before registration, she shared this list of elective subjects we can take. we need to take 6 credits of field electives this semester, which means each student needs to take 2 elective subjects. there are only 3 subjects on the list. and each subject only has 20 quotas. we have 54 people. yep, classic stupid uni management.

if you do the math, its not enough for everyone. i register a little late, because i made late payment. so when im about to register, obviously, every subject is full. no empty seat. and when i check the name list, there are several greedy skanks who take 3 elective subjects at once. you supposed to take two. i dont know whats their problem beeing this selfish and making it hard for other people to register their subjects. really, why are they so fomo. we are not runnign out of subjects or anything. in the study plan, we supposed to take TWO FUCKING SUBJECTS only. maybe they saw other people battle for it, and they got scared they wont get a seat. but three? come on, there are many others who do not get their seat yet for field electives! im already pissed of becuase one of them is my friend. 

again, she doesnt even like the subject. and this subject that i want is the sequel to the subject i take in last sem. she doesnt even take that subject! i want to ask her, but she doesnt seem to let that seat go. anyway, not just her. there are several others who do the same thing too. freaking idiots, i really cant with this people. 

anyway, i was pissed. i hate the management, i hate my friend. so me being me, i dont want to follow these people. i try to register the other elective subject. in the list given by the admin, there are only 3 subjects. but if i follow the curriculum structure we was given, there is one other subject that is available, but is not in the list. it was a mobile app development, and i think its perfect because it can be useful for me, a future front-end developer. mobile app is in demand right now, so i want to learn the coding, interface etc. 

BUT and of course theres a but, there a lot of unneccessary problem with this one. most of these problems do not come from me, it was from, you guess it the same idiots mentioned above. this subject is not in the list given by the admins. and in out study plan, it says we need to take field elective SKMxxx. it didnt specify why it says SKMxxx even though there are other electives that do not start with the code SKM. mobile app subject starts with the code SSE. so again, me being me, i assume this is just normal human error and not that serious. maybe the person who made the study plan forgot to consider other subjects that do not start with SKM code. why am i so confident with my assumption? because in the curriculum structure, it stated there clearly, that there other elective subjects that do not start with SKM code. but it still count as field elective because we share it with other computer science department. including mobile app subject. even in the student portal, it said mobile app IS FIELD ELECTIVE. when i register it, it IS included in field elective, not free elective. 

so i register mobile app anyway. there are only three people in the class, including me. the other are not from my course unfortunately. but i do not care. i want this subject. i have aimed it since before i started my first semester. after register, i announceed to my friends i take this subject. and them being "follow the flow" crowds asked can it be taken? because the list only stated 3 subjects. and this subject does not start with SKM bla bla. so i was like, yes you can take it. why else it was in our curriculum structure. and they were like you should ask the lecturer bla bla. they were so worried and for what. 

to prove my point, i asked my PA aka personal edvisor aka my lecturer aka a man that will reply your whatsapp halfheartedly or no heart at all. i asked him at 1.40pm, he seen it, and replied at 4.38pm. i asked him two questions and even provided some evidence (screenshots), because i know people like him dont like to vastly explore my problem that much. he then answered, very short btw, with "yeah you can". i think he just skim through my message. because i asked him if mobile app included on field elective even though it does not started with SKM code. but well i guess, if anything happen, i will point my fingers at him. because i like pointing my fingers to anyone but myself. 

so it was settled on my part. i told my friend mobile app is still counted as field elective. but of course, them being "i follow whatever they fed me" crowd, they were not convince. and the class having lab time at friday, making them dont want the subject more. but at that point, i dont care. i already convice myself that sometimes, people are wrong and i am right. i dont care attend a class only consist of three poeple with no friends. this is maybe to prepare with jobs in the future. i cant always being with my friends. sometimes, i need to learn to be independent.

a little background about my friends, they dont like getting out of their comfort zones. they are not as competitive as i am. they dont worry about their future as i am. i want to join hackathon so bad, i want to have resume with full experience. but it was the opposite with my friends. they only think about now, not then. and maybe becuase im also someone who needs friend at their side, i cant join these porgrams because i have no friends to accompany me. yes, its a fault on my part. i should branch out and find new competitive friends. but we are in third year already, and everyone seems to have their own friend group. it would be weird if i suddenly want to join their friend group for my own benefit.

my friends are the type to follow what was given. they dont really care what subject they take, as long as the credit taken is enough. they dont care what they learn, or if the subject is relevant to what they want to be in the future. they are majority introverts, and and they like being in the shadow, dont like being called out. not that its wrong, but they dont want to be active as me. 

dont get me wrong, i love them, i love that they are nice and we can hang together just fine, but it pissed me off a little that they have no ambition. they dont want to do things that can beenfit their future. they are not worried that being computer science student does not guaranteed to land you a job. sometimes i wish i pick a different friend group. i almost get a friend group that is active in college, but maybe it was a first year. i thought it people just hasn't started to be active yet. now im in my third year, i still havent join any hackathon like i want to. while my other batchmates already joined several hackathons. im a bit shame for myself. 

anyway, back to the registration. as of now, none of my friends joined me to take mobile app subject. and guess what was worst? they add quota for the 3 elective subjects. but i dodnt know when they add it, and my friend who earlier did not get the spot, register subject without telling me about the additional quotas. and now its full again, and i cant get any subject that i want. i hate this. everyone is an idiot. 

that friend also said she MAYBE will take mobile app, but not as field elective, but as free elective. and i asked her, but isnt mobile app field elective? and she said no, because it doens start with SKM. IDIOT. oh my god i swear to god these people. what more do they need to convince themself that it IS field elective. even if they go to the student portal and register it, it will say its field elective. they still didnt believe me. i lowkey think they see me as someone who is clumsy and hard-headed and have so many free will. they will never think im serious. but whatever. i have surrendered. i hate talking to these two dimensional people. 

maybe im the problem, or maybe im just be realistic here. anyways, im taking that mobile app, friends or no friends. i hope it open their eyes that sometimes, you have to follow your instinct.