sepang im coming

Aug 16th, 2026

i caved and bought the tickets.

3 tickets to bahrain gp in sepang. i took a selfie before making this decision, to ensure that im confident that this will make me happy and fulfilled. i planned out ways to save money for the aftermath. maybe i'll forced myself to starve, like i always do. 

the day before, milo asked me if im going. at the time, i already let all the hopes go. i was confident all the tickets have sold out, and even if theyre not, i cant afford rm800 for a hillstand view. thats too much. theres no rooftop, it will be burning hot, and i have to go there early if i want a spot with nice view. like i said, i dont think i'll pay 800 for that experience. so i replied to milo that im not sure about going. because the ticket sold 3-day. i told her i just want 1-day pass for the race day. which, also the truth. i dont think i have the energy to experience the same shit for 3 days straight. and maybe because i had given up, i already think of what im gonna do with the unspent money. maybe splurge on 5sos concert outfit, or buy billy when my parents arent looking. or even better, buy the new alexandra brackens book thats coming out next week. it will have spray edges they said. 

so of course, i already buried the idea of going to f1. then, the night before, i discussed with deni and pia whether they want to go to f1, even if the only tickets left are 800 and above. they said they want to go. i was a bit shocked that they still want to go with it. especially pia, since i dont think she have that much savings to splurge on f1. she said if im not going, she still wants to go with deni. i dont want to be left out of course, so i agree. it was a hard decision to make, but whatever. money can come and go. and having eating disorder actually helps my situation. i know i swore to never be like those ed girls on twitter, but i dont think im extreme as them. thats why i dont think im that bad. im just gonna do omad or whatever. i already planned to walk 40 minutes when im in upm on new sem later. i think my college is going to be very far from civilazation and i will be at the faculty that is even beyond far than most population. so thats a great oppurtunity for me to brisk walk and get super skinny with strong legs. and plus not eating, just call me ariana grande already.

im not ed, of course. i still do snacking once in a while, but i feel that this is the only time i will exercise and do brisk walk. after this, after graduation, i dont think i will be walking around that much. and my weight will inflate because i will just seat on my desk 24/7. my muscle will be gone. so this is the only opportunity to do all that before i enter working life. maintaining my weight would be difficult, so i think its easier if i lose a lot of weight now, and gain a bit when im working later.

anyway, i bought the f1 ticket this morning. used papas credit card, told my parents about it. told milo about it. she said how im going to go there etc. i said im going with my sisters from seremban. she said shes asking to people on reddit about who wants to carpool with her in kl. so basically, shes going with strangers she met on reddit. she also said theyre mostly foreigners. i was like what? you just trust them like that? i mean, shes extorverted, she likes to speak with everyone, and shes knows with kyle btw. so i undestand how she operates. but following strangers tho? idk. shes brave, thats all i have to say. i mean its a good experience i guess. i want to ask her whether shes going with friends (especially #him), but it seems like shes going there alone with strangers on reddit. either him and her are not that close, or he just didnt go. i hope he'll be there. imagine spending rm800 and the person you truly want to be there is not there. 

i told my dad he doesnt have to give me allowance on spetember. im ready to risk it all. im ready to starve myself in upm. i will, unfortunately, tell my parents about my situation as well. so when they hear my sob story, they will give me more money. they already worry about me not eating, worry about me wearing kids clothes, and i think they know how i always on the weight scale in their bedroom. because apparently that scale is connected to an app. i dont know if they actually use the app, but if they do, they will definitely know im weighting myself everyday and know what my weight is. i have since stop coming to their room to scale myself. even though i have the urge to do so, i have to restrain myself. i dont want them to worry about me. i know what im doing.

daydreaming

Aug 15th, 2026

like i said in my previous post, i supposed to go to ikea today. i supposed to buy a billy bookshelf for my room. the night before, i cleaned my wall from tack-it and moved all posters so i can make room for my new bookshelf that i supposed to have it today. but of course my dad has other plan. 

at 9.23 am today, my mom messaged to the group. she said my dad said no need to buy the bookshelf yet. my dad wanted me to buy the bookshelf with him together, because allegedly he wants to buy other stuff too in ikea. the thing is, hes been saying this since last year. hes been saying that he wants to buy me a billy and buy more billys for the family area. but here we are. still no billy. he keeps saying the same thing over and over, making the same promises, and im tired to hear about it. i need my billy neow. okay maybe not now, but i need it soon enough. because i know i will buy more books and my bookshelf cant take any more book. its already packed like sardine. but knowing my dad, soon will be another year, and i will have to beg for him to keep his promises. 

the thing is, im not using his own money. i already plan to use mine, using spaylater and utilize some vouchers as well. but im broke, so it would be nice to use his money instead. but thats the hard pill i have to swallow. i have to beg and wait and beg again and wait, until hes had enough of it. 

so i obey and wait.

besides the billy thing, im also a little bit frustrated of not going to ikea today. because, if you already know me, you know i already created a scenario where, yes, #he would be there. like come on. im in my process of forgetting him, but at the same time i still want to see his face. i still create scenarios where we would accidentally bump into each other. none of these scenarios have come alive yet, but its nothing wrong to hope that they will. i guess seeing him in ikea would be fun. i imagined he would see me in the middle of buying my billy and he would come up to me and said "damia?" and we would chit chat a bit and we would talk about f1 in sepang and complain about how ridiculous the price is. just like the old days (two months ago).

its not a surprise i made a little scenario where i bump into him at everywhere i go, because its fun. i can practice my stoic face and acting like i didnt just fantasize about us meeting in the most random place like this. too bad we didnt go to ikea today, like i was hoping for. maybe we can try nu empire next.

talking about nu empire, i just realized ive went there before. the mall used to be called empire shopping gallery. i know about that mall because when i lived in rawang, whenever my parents want to go somewhere in selangor, they would use the highway besides that mall. so i knew that mall. it used to have a fire accident in one of the shops there, so when i passed the mall, i would see some part of it had charred structure because it got engulfed in fire. the famous wicked wardrobe also used to have store there, so thats how i know about the mall. i once begged to my mom to go, but she never let me. 

but the mall is not just a childhood memory. during my alevel years, ive once initiated a hangout with sazu and deni at subang parade (odd choice to hangout, considering how old this mall is. i know. my parents made fun of me later on because i went to a mall nobody went to anymore). but anyway, we met there and i finally realize how old every shop in this mall was. its like going to third floor of berjaya tiems square. every shop is either bundle or indie shop you never heard of. there are some frenchise like mcd and kfc but everything else was mid. nothing much to do, and i did regret not doing any thorough research about this mall. i chosed subang parade because its near to sazu and me. 

so being dissapointed about the mall, me and deni found another mall beside subang parade that is much more modern and less lame. its just walking distance and we also asked sazu to go there instead. i remember the mall is much more fun than subang parade. its more of a mall than subang parade. the shops are more modern and there are more variety in cafes and restaurants. i remember we ate there instead. and i also ordered grab to intec alone because i had exam at 4pm. i dont even know the name of the mall, i just remember that its better than subang parade. i had the urged to check google maps a few days ago and that mall turns out to be nu empire. haha. you know, he said he worked there after spm, which was somewhere in 2022. my hangout was in 2022. there is a higher chance we might be at the same place at the same time as each other and never know. red string theory or wtv they said.

anyway, me and my sisters went to ayam gepuk shop near my house for lunch. while waiting, pia asked me to teman her to jnt across the shop to drop a parcel. we entered the jnt store, and guess what. i met kyle. just kidding, but i met someone who resembled him. this jnt staff who was helping customer at the counter looked so much like kyle its uncanny. i literally thought it was him at first. i was like, why is kyle doing part time in sendayan? but seriously, the staff looked so much like him. down to the eyebrows, the haircut, the lips, the skinny jeans. he IS a copy of him. i thought its just my brain daydreaming in the middle of this jnt store, but no. he really looked like him, just a bit tanner. i kept glancing at him many times to make sure its not kyle. maybe this is just universe trying to bully me for having my hopes up, since i fantasized about bumping into him the day before. 

maybe this a sign or something, but sadly i dont believe in that. 

btw, im still considering to buy that f1 ticket. the rm200 ticket already sold out. my only option is the rm800 ones. deni and pia agree to go. they have money, they dont have problem with that. i have money too, but i have problem with that. if i go to f1, then there goes my savings. im actively reading again, so i think about every spending in book currency. rm800? i could buy 12 books in kino with that. rm300 for bookshelf? i could buy 5 books in popular. nothing is worth more than books right now. 800 is too much. i can literally buy abrand new kobo with that money. i dont think i love f1 more than i love books. like i said, i already lose hope to watch f1. sitting on the grass under blazing sun, with expensive food, and theres higher percentage of rainstorm and traffic jams, and shitty toilet and surau. tell me if that experience is worth 800 ringgit.

now the only reason i want to go is i might or might not get to see #him. which not really a strong reason to spend my rm800, considering how he might not be there or we sat at different hillstand.

and the dilemma continues.

project hail mary, pakar, starling house

Aug 9th, 2026

this is it. my first 5 star book of the year (wait actually its the second). 

i finished PHM on 5th aug. it was so good. i literally dont know what to say. funny because when i was in the middle of reading this book, i had so much to say. in my head, i planned what will i say in my review, structure by structure, word by word. but when i finished it, i was left speechless. dumbfounded. astounded. the following rant contains spoilers, if you dont mind.

first off, its actually a difficult book, contrary to what eveyone says. its a scifi, and the reason i bought it was because people said its an easy read. even though its scifi, the author expalain everything clear and well, like the readers are 5 years olds. thats what they said. after reading this book, i gotta say i slightly disagree with that statement. its not explained like the readers are 5, but more like if the readers had taken physics and chemistry in highschool before. so this book definitely for those who never take science or never associated themselves with highschool science stream. which is fair, because science stream is not for everyone. the way the science here is explained in basic manners, which i can follow through. even though i barely recall physics and chemistry from 5 years ago, but i still understand what the MC, Grace, trying to do. i understand the experiement hes doing, the apparatus and machines hes using, the outcome of the experiment etc. i like the way the author explain it and what the experiment will do, because its easier for me to follow through. but still, i wont recommend this book to people who never learn physcis or chemistry. it will only confuse them more and eventually lead to reading slump.

second, its funny. there are some jokes that didnt land, because its giving millennial humor, but most jokes are funny. especially the inner monologue of the main character. i like the way he remains calm and content on the outside but unleashes chaotic energy inside. i also find rocky funny as well. i like their interaction. rocky always makes fun of grace for being stupid human. its so wholesome

thirdly, i love the character, especially rocky. hes just so smart so quick so sassy so cute. to the point i want to pet him. but i know its just weird to treat him like animal when hes like a grown up dude in his own planet. there are some part i think that doenst make sense because rocky basically can do everything with limited supplies they have on the spaceship. he literally build everything grace told him to do without a guide. but because its fiction, so i guess anything can fly. grace also is not bad of a character. i think hes well written and just very patient with everything. even when i read that book, i always feel like "wow this guy is so patient. i could never". especially the part when he runs experiements on taumoeba. he was silmutaneously run like several experiements at once and didnt sleep for days. and then the taumoebas escape and eat all the fuel from the spaceship and he has to go and clean it. then the taumoeba leaks for the seocnd time. like omg. even when reading them i feel so tired already. i dont know how he got patience to deal with all of that. the entire book is just a ride of why its impossible to conduct scientific experiments on the space. theres so many things you need to take into account, especially the gravity. liek i said, even by reading it and not physically experience all of this sounds so exhausting. maybe thats why it took me a while to finish this because its just so draining. one problem after another. but at least its entertaining enough, especially rocky.

lastly, the ending is perfect. i saw some people complain how they dont like the ending because its not what they expect, but i love it. i love how he still gets to reunited with rocky and grows old together. i was said when rocky was unconcious at thd middle of the book. i thought he was dead. his character is the best part so when hes temporarily dead, i feel empty. same as at the end when they have to go separate ways because they finally find the cure theyre looking for. it was sad, i thought theyd never meet each other again, since they are from different planet with different living condition theres no way they got to contact each other. it was pretty sad when they had to say their goodbye. i feel so empty after rocky left the ship, same as grace. hes just alone in outer space with no friends. when hes explaining ways on how he gonna return to earth with limited food supply, i wonder how he can pull it off. if he went into comas, then whos gonna control the ship when they finally reach earths atmosphere. i was a bit skeptical of the people that handle this project, because they dont have a backup plan in case if anything happen to the project hail mary crew. like they really depend the lives of earth people fully on the three crews. and then boom, two of them died before they even reach the destination. and what if grace failed then what? why cant there be other a backup plan. 

anyways, i love the ending. as long as rocky is there. i feel bad for rocky becuase of taumoeba destroyed his only chance to save his own people. but thank god grace comes to the rescue. and then they offto rockys planet where rockys people take care of him until he grows old. its a good ending, i never thought of that. i thought he would abandoned rocky, since rockys planet got many more years before the astrophage affecting them. theyre not in critical position, so they can send another rocky to solve it. and i also almost thought after grace saves rocky, they gonna go wander around the tau ceti system and beyond until they run out of food supply and die there, abandoning their people back home. becasue theyre already been put on stressful position and in the end they might question themselves, "is it even worth it?". saving the entire humanity? and the earth only send three people? i would just kill myself after i wake up from coma, if i were grace. but the ending is good, id never think of it that way.

so thats all my summary of project hail mary. its a fun read, but i do not recommend for easy read. you need to use brainpower if you want to understand truly whats going on. but i love it. i can tell the author put a lot of research and thoughts into this book. easy 5 stars.

i also read other book this week. here are some of them:

pakar by nadia khan

bought this boook solely because of nostalgia. ive read this book back then when my family moved to penang and i was in boarding school. my parents would come all the way from penang for our pulang bermalam and we would stay at my old rawang house. theres nothing much to do in thta house since every stuff had already moved to penang. the only entertainment i had were this book and dherbs advertisement. ive read that dherbs ads many time i can basically recall whats the content. they sell boob enlarging pills, skin whitening products and some other sketchy products. so pakar is the second best entertainment in that house.

even though ive read it, i already forgot whats it about, because it was so very long time ago. so when i saw fixi sold this book for rm10 on pbakl this year, i quickly bought it. its cheap nad its nadia khan. so why not. i read it for like 2 days. first day was after finishing PHM, and second day was the morning after that. and then i continued with starling house. 

pakar is a quick easy read (literally can be finished in one sitting if youre free enough). it has two stories inside. one is a girl whos asking for the help of cari jodoh agency to get a man whos already in relationship. it has multiple pov of the characters that involve in this. the MC, the man shes stealing, the gf on the man, the two agents of the agency that help the MC to steal the guy, and others. the mc tries to flirt with the guy, one of the agents (guy) try to gain info from the guys gf but at the same time secretly likes her, the other agent (woman) gets jealous because she had like the guy agent for so long. the gf actually realizes her bf is walking redflag. the mc also realizes the guy is also a redflag. the guy agent lose both girls. in the end, nobody gets anybody. win-win?

another story is about two psychologists that has psychology clinic. sandra and max. sandra's patient said he wants to kill his wife because shes hot headed. maxs patient said she saw her husband around the house even though her husband already dead. turns out hes not dead, she just hallucinates that hes dead. max and sandra go off and investigate on sandras patient, in case he actually kills his wife. they hire other people to find information about the patient. they believe all the info is true and go investigate the guy at his house. turns out, there is no wife. the guy has schizo and hallucinates he has a wife. and the people they hire for information? they also have schizo and the info they gave are not true. 

the book is okay i guess, the writing is very early 2010s twitter coded. read it only for nostalgia, so i dont have any expectation. i didnt even give star ratings because i dont have a standard for this kind of book. for me, the second story is a bit weaker than the first one. but everything okay i guess. i picked it up just to reduce my mountains of tbr.

starling house by alix e. harlow

my first book by ms harlow, and definitely not the last. i love the writing, however draggy it sounds. i kinda agree with some reviewers saying theres too many purple prose, but i can understand all of them. theyre easy to understand and kinda funny too. kinda remind me of alexandra bracken in a way. i like writing thats easy to understand even how complicated it is. 

if its not for the writing, the book itself can be quite boring. but because opal is witty and funny, so its not that boring. i just dont like how to author always repeat how ugly arthur starling is. how terrible opals smile is. like okay, i know shes trying to avoid that 6'4 morally grey ridicolously handsome mmc, but come on. he was referred as ugly like 10 times in this book. as much as i hate when the author mention how big a guys is, i also hate whatever this is. like okay, i get it. hes uggo. maybe thats also why arthur doesnt stick out to me. because hes ugly. in my head, i imagine him looks like josh duhamel. but because the author keeps mentioning how ugly he is, my imagination got disturbed.

opal is also not bad of a character. maybe i dont like how shes so mad all the time and how she likes picking fight with her landlord. but i like how she just doesnt give a damn about her reputation in that town. she shoplifts and got caught, but still do it again. she would do anything for her little brother. maybe my judgement agaisnt her is how she likes to assume things. like how she assume her brother would want to go to all-white private school and she goes ahead paying full for his first semester without telling him about it. arthur also sponsored to pay the rest of the semesters. and in the end, her brother didnt even want to go there and the money just wasted like that. how can you say you love your brother and would do anything for him but cant communicate properly with him about his goals and dreams? sounds like you dont love him enough. 

anyway, this book also reminds me of the hazel wood by melissa albert. it also about a young woman who wants to go to a mystery house. even the ending of both MCs going into this fantasy world is almost similar. but starling house did it better, because unlike the hazel wood, it doesnt drag too much. ending is okay-ish. she met with eleanor starling and fix things with her and live in that fantasy world with arthur for god knows how long. in the end, they open the starling house to their friends and family. 

i had a good time reading this, even abandoned my fyp so i can finish this book. but thinking back, its not all that. the only thing that drives me to keep reading is the uncovered mystery and the writing. but i definitely wont read it for the second time because i already know what happened. but its stilll good writing tho. i will definitely checkout other alix e. harlows book. i like her wits.

thats all for the book i read this week. its definitely a good reading week. its just not that enjoyable because i keep worrying about my fyp while also doing nothing. i hate how lazy i am. becasue everytime im lazy to start my fyp, my mind goes back to #him. i wonder what he thinks of me if he sees me in this state. i know im male-centered, but i kinda miss him. its been a month since our last class, and i found myself stalking him again. i found his carousell account where someone purchase a couch from him. the buyer posted the picture of him helping her moved the couch. hes so adorably short. i also found his youtube account where he posted interview video for ukm acceptance. turns out we have the same muet band and he studied in matrikulasi pulau pinang. i wonder why its so far away from his house. 

im in the middle of a progress of forgetting him right now. i know i dont like him like that. its all just a matter of obsession and attention seeking. he probably forgets about me already. btw, bahraingp website already sells f1 tickets in sepang (13/8). its so damn expensive. the cheapest was rm200 on hillstand, and the other side of hillstand was rm800. idk why theres a big jump of price point there, but of course people would battle for the cheapest first. i didnt manage to secure the ticket. i didnt even manage to get into the ticketing selection. i was in the queue until 60% progress, then they kick me out saying theres database error. 

i dont think anybody gets the ticket, because threads is awfully quiet. im sure the bahraingp just face terrible traffic and it will open the ticketing again. but i already lose hope somehow. i will never get to go there. i will never get to see max in sepang. i will never get to see #him or even sit next to him on the hillstand and show him my f1 prediction app. its whatever i guess.

now i got a few hundreds i want to spend to make myself feel better, so i plan to go to ikea this weekend with deni to buy a bookshelf. the bookshelf in my room is full house. not books can go in anymore. so booksheld is very much needed. finally, im being a big girl and buy a furniture on my own with my own money. screw f1. its better to watch from the comfort of your house anyway. 

on being ugly

January 8th, 2024

not many realise this, but being ugly actually gives you a lot of advantages. You can totally explore your abilities and talents when you're ugly. Because unlike being pretty, being so dependant on your look is impossible. 

but of course, being ugly have some downsides too. for starter, my ugly face in highschool still haunts me to this day. everytime i have acne, i got restless. im scared my face will turn back into the one in highschool. acnes and all. 

July 30th, 2026

i wrote the entry above in 2024, but never got a chance to finish it. the idea of the entry was to mention how i love being ugly and that it comes with some perks no pretty people can have. now that i grew up, i realized how mysoginistic that sounds like. nobody can control something they are born with. pretty women deal with harassment on the daily. people around them suddenly become jealous of them just because they got more attention from boys. this was my observation from high school. theres a girl in my highschool who had everything a teenage girl couldve dreamed of. shes pretty, smart, rich, school sprinter, kind and teachers loved her. so obviously shes like that girl who every boy secretly has a crush on, which i get it. im not jealous or anything. i know people like that will exist. based on my stupid theory in school, they cant exist. i called it the perfect theory. a person cant have all three - smart, pretty, rich. they can have one or two of those qualities, but not all three. its a stupid theory, i know, but to be fair i was fourteen when i came up with it. 

from my observation, she has all three. i dont know about smart, because shes not like a top scorer or something, but shes definitely smarter than people who hate her. anyway, we never talk. so i dont know much about her. i only know bit and pieces of her from peoples stories about her. from what i recall, the girls hate her. they said shes a backstabber, two-faced, a pick me (she likes to do cute voices. but again, from my memory, she only did this to girls. not boys). and she also "select". its a malaysian term for people who only being nice/interact with people within their circle. i searched on google its called "cliquey". i dont like how that sounds. so lets just call it select.

i dont really remember the full story why people hate her. my friends said she doesnt include them in something. and on our final year of school, she dated a boy who had had a long term girlfriend. and this girlfriend was a friend to the girl. but me being nonchalant about it, i dont find any problem with this. theyve broken up, the guy was single, so whats the problem? but of course the girls were fuming about it. its not wrong, but because shes the school sweetheart, so it became wrong. i did ask the girls whats wrong about it, because i genuinely wanted to know why. but i think they just said because both girls were friends. i dont ask more after that because i know they just wanted to hate on her. we never talk so she never truly done anything to me, so i never had hate for her. but i do feel pity for her. she barely had friends because the girls isolated her. and boys fought over her. it mustve been a pretty curse. boys like you, but at what cost. you dont have friends, girls talk shit about you, boys acting cringe to you to impress you. that doesnt sound fun. im glad im ugly. 

so if we have follow my perfect theory, if a person has all three, then it must have been their personality that skew things over. it kinda make sense, but kinda not. idk lets not talk about this anymore. i have long abandoned this theory because you cant put people in a box. people can change. you can be pretty if you have the money, you can be smart if you tried. 

anyway, i want to talk about me. im ugly. i know im ugly since highschool, but now i want to talk about being ugly in uni. i recently tried to take video of myself using the back camera of my phone. and oh god, i just realized how ugly i am. i know im ugly, but NOT that ugly. even how clear my face is, the scars still there. it still shows. and my pimples came back. yes, my clear skin era is over. its either i have to go through accutane again, or my dermatologist will get sick of me and just say you will never recover. you will have acne for the rest of your life. 

and i realized my teeth are yellow and not straight like i thought. i still have my overbite. and my face is fucking lopsided. its slanted to one side and its obvious too. i cant hide it no matter how hard i try. my face is slanted and its obvious. usually when peoples face is lopsided, i dont realize it, but there are some cases where i do realize it because its obvious. and i am one of those people whose face are obviously assymmetrical. its not that i care what i look like, but its just that i think about kyle. about how he must have seen my face in this condition - pimples, lopsided, yellow teeth, greasy skin. and i have the nerve to think he likes me. oh god

i wonder if he saw my teeth and my scarred and lopsided face and got disgusted of it. maybe thats why he gave me that smile that monday? because he thought i like him and disgusted of it so he wanted to make it clear that we have nothing between us? is that why? perhaps the same case as adam. he initiated small talk with me but never seems interested to talk with me beyond that. maybe they thought im too ugly for that. like yeah im funny, but thats what ugly people supposed to be isnt it? they have to develop a personality. thats how we survive this cruel world. the reality just hit me. i almost cried, but i remind myself this isnt highschool anymore. i should look at the brightside, at least im funny. 

kyle must have think my face is below average too. he doesnt want me to think he gives me a chance just because he invited me to mixue and laughed at some of my jokes. there goes my plan of messaging him asking him about flutter. i feel like one of those people who are ugly but doesnt aware they are ugly. this is like a wake up call for me, from now on i cant be loud and funny with people im interested in anymore. i have to act like im not interested in them so i dont have to overthink if they think im ugly or not. 

anyway, they announced sepang will be on f1 calendar on october. it will be called bahrain GP though, because bahrain was the one that paid for the hosting fee. but they use sepang as the track. i want to go so bad, i want to experience f1 for the first time. my sisters and my friends want to go too. and, i know i said id never talk about him anymore, but i think kyle would be there too. hes an f1 fan. i know hes just as excited about this announcement as me. idk why but i already imagine him inviting me to go there with him. or i imagine us suddenly bumping into each other at sepang and its a coincidence that we both sit at the same hillstand and we get to sit next to each other. i really want to meet him at sepang. watching f1 together has always been my kind of dream date with him. i mentioned it many times here. if it happens, then i will be convinced that anything can happen if i dream hard enough. its part of the reason i want to go there. i see us sitting side by side on the hillstand, sharing umbrella because its hot af, me showing him my f1 prediciton app and how it works like intended, him making fun of me because i keep changing my fyp topic, us seeing how my app correctly predict the race winner, us watching max verstappen's car break down in the middle of race because red bull sucks like that, us watching antonelli win the race, us saying goodbye and me saying how i will be seeing him around faculty. yes, i imagine every single possible scenario with him. i still miss him even if i fully realize how ugly i'll look like next to him under the sun.

these insecurities are eating me up. im okay with being ugly, but im not okay that other people analyze my face like i analyze my face. im not okay with people finding my flaws and thinking i must have been insecure about it. i hate when people know what i hate about myself. even though i do this to other people too, but damn, it hurts when it happens to me. i have the nerve to think adam, the perfect guy who has all three, thinks im attractive. *tsk*

anyway, speaking of adam, i decide to keep my distance away from him. i mean i already am, but i need to keep real distance from him from now on. first off, he doesnt like me like that. i wished him happy birthday on his birthday, because he wished mine before. i dont want to be rude. i want to reciprocate back the energy. but i wished him a little bit early. he posted a story about his birthday and i replied and wished him happy birthday, when that story has only been up for 30 mins. he said thanks damia, 2 hour later. i replied with youre welcome adam!! 8 hour later. he didnt replied after that. didnt even seen. so i supposed he already has someone. 

secondly, my batch has staycation on sunday (the day they announced sepang gp). i didnt come, of course, im not into this bonding shit. but one of my friend joined. they had the staycation for three days in batang kali. the villa looks nice. adam planned out everything because hes just organized like that. after the vacation, my friend who went there spilled some hot tea. really hot ones. so apparently, two of the people who i never thought would be together are together. my friend said they were inseparable the entire vacation. i mean, i get it, but the girl can do better i think. i know im mean, but shes taller than the guy. plus she looks like the kind girl that would practice islamic dating, since she looks alim. im shocked the guy was her type. but who am i to judge. as long as shes happy. and i also found out the girl that i speculated is adam's gf is actually isnt. but my speculation was right, because she confessed to him! i knew it. i knew something was going on. but to my surprise, my friend said adam rejected her. knowing adam, he must have been nice to her like hes nice to everyone and she caught feelings for him and they wear matching shirts on coincidence so she must have thought they are meant to be. but im not fully convinced he rejected her. i feel like maybe she confessed and he was like im not ready for relationship but lets get to know each other first then we'll see how it goes. i think thats how it went. he didnt fully reject her. because in those staycation videos, they dont look awkward at all. if anything, they look joyful around each other. if he rejected her, she wouldnt even want to come to the staycation. so i still have my suspicion about them.

so yep. thats how i think it is. that adam might be in talking stage with her. and im the least sought after girl in the land. hearing these stories makes me want to get closer kyle even more. must have been nice if my batch gossip about me and kyle and they were like "how they get together. isnt damia a loser who never talk to guys". then ashman spilled all the tea and was like "they were very close in mobile app class" lol. imagine that. imagine if the gossip gets to adam. i wonder what he thinks of me. realistically, he wouldnt care. unrealistically, he would be jealous and was like "wait all this time she doesnt like me like that?" that wouldve been awesome. because of that birthday wish, i dont want him to think i like him. i want to look like im just being nice. 

deep down, i dont like kyle like that. hes not the guy i typically go for. if he wasnt cute, i would definitely ignore him. but too bad hes hot. because right now i just want to be gossiped with him. i want people to speculate about us and think im not a loser like they thought because i get with a guy whos definitely out of my league. being with kyle can boost my ego and confidence. hes handsome so people must have wonder how we even got together. i want adam to know about me and kyle. i want the other guy who i think thinks i like him because we always made eye contact on accident but i swear it was never my intention, to know about me and kyle. i want everyone to know about us. i dont think kyle would feel the same, because im ugly so it would look like hes doing charity work, but i have a delusion to feed. imagine friends of my friends ask me about him and i just replied hehe. im quiet enough in class, i never join any programs, so people would never think i can pull a guy like kyle. at the end of the day, all i want is people to think im cool and mysterious.

if only everything i wished for came true.

goodbye for now.

the sign is as clear as day

July 16th, 2026

since i have never seen him since that monday, my brain keeps replaying old memories to keep me enthusiastic about him. about our interactions and the signs hes giving. was he flirting or was he just being nice. but because this is my delusional hub, so here are some interactions that make me sure he was into me:

he said my name a lot in class. this is not a new thing, maybe he just thinks i would be the only one to respond to his questions. he thinks we're friends like that. he said other peoples names too, but he said my name more. "besides Damia, who else use flutter?" "Damia or any other group has question?" "Damia, damia. what i said just now" "im gonna pick a random name. Damia" "Damia you're actually suck for this" "Damia go home bruh" "whos your teammate? Damia, hardipak, who else?" 

he called my group Damia's group, while he called other group as group 1 or group 3. "Damias group does a great job" "you can refer to damia's group" "Damias group, hardipak"

he put his feet on the bar of my chair, so his body was fully facing me. the entire time we talked, his whole body was facing me. he even put his elbow on the table and put his head on his hand so it would face me. he was focusing on what i was talking about even though i had no confidence he would care what i talk about. he tried to imagine Game On when i told him about it. he was like, "wait im trying to picture the place". i was so nervous as hell i didnt know he would care about it. 

he saw my personal whatsapp group named 'Group tipu tipu' and started using it. i showed him our app, and asked where i got my floor plan. he never sees it before, so he was shocked. i opened my whatsapp to show him where i got it infront of him and he was observing that shit. the page land at group tipu tipu, so i guess thats when he saw it. when i opened the floor plan, he was like "tipu tipu tipu tipu". LOL. at first, i was like dia ni pahal, tiber. but after i saw my whatsapp, i was like ooohhh so he saw the group. but the entire time i showed him my laptop, he was obersving it like he was analyzing something. maybe he wants to know about my life, maybe he just like to lurk around peoples laptop. who knows. he was looking at my bookmark tabs and my home screen. i hope he perceived me as cool when he saw my 5sos wallpaper. or maybe he didnt know 5sos. he even asked about some softwares i had, like FortiClient vpn. he asked what im using it for. i said i used it for last sem's class. we used it to connect to hpc for training very big dataset for computer vision class. he asked whats hpc. i said i dont remember, so i opened my phone to see HPC room i took the day before. i scrolled my gallery,  he was watching me the entire time, and im afraid he'd see my free hair pictures. so i said "i couldnt find it" and kyle was like "bro youre not even scrolling". bitch. i sighed and seacrh for it again, the room apparently was named in malay. i showed it to him anyway.

he stopped mid conversation with someone just to talk to me. "wait damia just joined" AAARRGGHH. i'll never get over that.

he wanted me to look at him that monday. im not delusional, i saw him going back and forth in the foyer. he saw me of course. he saw me going to the cafeteria. he went there and sat at his friends table, which was next to my table. he saw me getting up and going back to the foyer. he followed me there and i guess he just wanted me to see him. he saw me going to the vending machine. he saw me going inside the cafeteria. he peeked inside the cafeteria to see where i sat. he saw me walking behind him. he turned around to SEE ME. he wanted me to see him. he walked there the second time, he saw me throwing my trash in the garbage can. he wanted me to see him for the second time. though he gave me the lamest smile, i forgive him. i dont know what hes thinking at the time. 

he remembered little details i told him. that i used flutter for my project, that i went home every week, that my sister picks me up, my twins name. 

he asked about me to my friend. he was doing an online class during mid sem break. he wanted to do it on Saturday 8pm. i was in thailand at the time. i cursed him when he sent me the meeting link. only two people joined the class, my friend and other guy. he asked her "wheres your friend, damia?"

he laughed at my unfunny jokes. he asked deni's name. i told him "if my name is damia, guess her name" and he was like "aimad?" i was taken aback of that answer so i side eyed him and shook my head. then he went "dania?" and i said yeap. and he was like "wtf" and giggled. its not funny, but he laughed anyway. i made a lot of jokes when we talked that friday. i just wanted to impress him tbh. i saw my opportunity window to make him think im funny and cool, and i took it. i dont remember what jokes i told him, but i remember his laughter. i remember the way he covered his face when he laugh. i remember his dimples. 

he wanted to invite me to mixue. its obvious now that i think about it. there were only 5 people in that class. everyone was dead quiet. only me and ashman interacted with him the entire class. he was in the good mood because we were bantering a bit. i made stupid jokes to him, he was teasing me about going home every week. when he was talking about doing mixue hangout, he was asking me if i want to join. HE WANTED ME THERE. the sign is as clear as day that he wanted me to go. but i dont want to go with anyone else. i dont care about ashman. i just want to be with him alone. he was sooo dissapointed when i said im going home. he was like "damia youre actually suck for this". he must have planned that i will be there too joining them. but then im not joining. he even bring it up the week after that. hes still think about it. how he fumbled a hangout with me. hes still trying to ask me out when he decided to physical class that friday. he didnt even do poll, because he really wanted to do physical class. he really wanted that hangout to happen. from what i recalled, hes not a morning person. he sleeps late at night playing fifa and started class a bit late because he overslept. but then he wanted to do physical class in the final week where everyone may or may not already going back home. he was dissapointed when he couldnt do physical class. when he said he wanted to do hangout at mixue, he must have thought i didnt join the event that friday. that it will be me and a few people that attend his class, like before. maybe he was confident that i will be there, thats why he took the risk and wanted to belanja everyone zus instead. lowkey he too picked up the sign that i want to see him as well. i always voted for physical class whenever he do the poll. it must have striked up to him that i want to see him. but whatever, i wanted to make it obvious anyway. im an adult now, i hate giving mixed signals. 

he teased me on going home every week. "okay damia you can go back to your hometown now" i know what hes trying to make me laugh. he tried to get a reaction out of me. is that not a clear sign? when he called out my name to present, he wanted to talk to me. like how we talk in those online classes. 

he wanted to impress me when he told me when he started to watch f1. when i told him im doing my fyp about f1, he thought i was a hardcore fan that have wathed f1 for a long time. he thought im very passionate about f1 that im making it my fyp title. thats why he said hes been watching since 2020 and made fun of dts fans, to impress me i guess. but i took it as him being snobbish. and when he asked me about when i watched f1 again, h was genuinely shocked that i just recently watched f1. i hate him for that honestly. i hate that reaction from him. i keep replaying that moment in my head. i think hes trying to make me feel better by saying im a hardcore fan because i watch the race. but its not helping, the damage has been done. i still think hes snobbish. hm

he asked me to look at his face, which at first, i thought maybe its normal to him. but when i think again, he barely wanted to look at my face that monday. so when he asked me to look at his face to ask if he looked tired, maybe hes just want me to look at him? because i avoid a lot of his eye contact? i dont know what hes trying to achieve with this. maybe its his way of flirting? thats a weird way to flirt. maybe he wanted to look into my eyes? whats going on honestly. i still dont understand.

this is all i can think of now. since our friendship is slow burn kinda type, that i started to develop feelings towards him in the early of june, so theres nothing much to say. its too bad that we just started to get close when the semester is almost over. if it only took us one month to get this close, imagine how much we would have become in 3 months? maybe he would do physical class every week. or we would have our first date. we never know. 

its exam week now. i miss him like crazy. i found myself looking for his face in every crowd i passed by. we had exam in faculty on tuesday. i was hoping to find him there, but the faculty was empty. we had another exam in faculty the next day. it was mobile app, his subject. he did wish us all the best for our exam on saturday. i was the first to react with "🤘" emoji. wanted to give this one "🤟" but in sign language, it means i love you. i know it probably means nothing to him because its not like everyone knows sign language. its okay if i gave him that to give him a hint, but im not sure. what if someone in that group knows about sign language and they saw me gave him that and they thought im being so obvious? worst, what if HE knows? i know im overthinking this, so i just settled for the one without the thumb. anyway, he wasnt there. i was hoping he would be there to see me one last time, since he knows where and when our exam was (our lectuere mentioned it in the group). but the faculty was empty, again. 

i had another exam at KAA that evening. this is where a lot of exams are held. so again, i was hoping to bump into him. i searched for his face in every crowd i passed by. i saw some of his batchmate, but unfortunately i couldnt find him. i dont know why i want to meet him so bad. maybe its because i already created a fake scenario where we would bump into each other and we talked and he asked when my exam is finished and i told him today at 4.30pm and and he said what a coincidence, me too! and asked me to go to zus with him to celebrate our last paper for the week. i wanted to go to zus with him so bad. i had imagined us walking from kaa to zus together, us sitting in that crammed space, him buying me a drink, us talking about our fyp or exam, me taking picture of us because i need to show my friends that i had my first date ever, him agreeing with any pose i asked him to do, us talking about our life like we used to, him saying this is fun lets do it again, me excusing myself to go because its almost 7pm and i made a joke about him getting kidnapped by hantu tetek, us waving each other goodbye for the last time infront of the zus, and finally me walking back to college with earbuds deep in my ear listening to olivia rodrigo. we both would smile all the way home.

man, im so into deep with this guy. i dont think i'd find a way out. it will took a while for me to move on from him. because what we had was real. he showed me signs that hes interested in me, even my friends pointed them out. i know i shouldnt trust my friends because they only heard stories about him from me. they dont see our interactions. the stories are from my pov. i could have made it sounds like hes interested in me because i romanticized every little interaction. 

anyway, i hope i can see his face one last time before semester break. im going through a psychosis right now where im completely numb inside. i dont feel like studying because my fake scenario doesnt become a reality. it works the last time. but it wont work this time, because i already used my free trial that monday. im a zombie in my body, im a train off the track and the colors are all flat. i know he wont be missing me like this, he probably doesnt even think about me. but i dont care. i got maggots for brains because theres no closure in our companionship. i never know if we gonna end up as friends or as couple. i never know what it feels like to hangout at mixue with him. i fumbled kyle. and now i had regrets. we almost become friends and i missed the opportunity. he could teach to play guitar, he could teach me about shadcn/ui, he could give his opinion about my fyp, i could make him the beta tester for my app, i could invite him to play jigsaw puzzle together, we could play piano in my house together, we could watch movie together, we could go to trx and see the direction screen, we could read BOOKS together. oh my god, i really fumbled kyle.

i dont hate myself for that. it was a reasonable thing to do at the time. i said im going home, so of course i couldnt join them. but its just that i feel like me and him could have more if we both just talk it out. if i wasnt scared to talk more to him that friday. if he was not so awkward that monday. if we could sit down and have a conversation for the last time. i just want to talk to him. lately i find myself wanting to share to him about every little thing im going through. i want to share to him about my fyp and the horrible within, about my exam, about my pedi, about funny things i found on the internet, about f1. i also want to hear about his day. hows hes been holding up lately, about his fyp, about his exam, what he eats everyday, about his twins. literally everything. 

i found myself picturing us doing stuff together. travelling, getting dinner, studying, attending weddings, going to the mall to fix my phone, thirdwheeling deni and her boyfriend, playing jigsaw puzzle, playing lego, attending those aesthetic pasar seni-esque events, taking pictures in photobooth, reading books in library, going on multiple kino dates. whenever i see people post couple videos on tiktok, i imagined us. funny how i never think of this with adam. i mean i do think of us doing stuff together, but never this extreme. because i know adam doesnt like me like that. but with kyle...

i hope we can meet again. it doesnt have to be in faculty. it can be anywhere else. like in malls or something. or maybe in NU empire subang (his local mall). i know where he works. with this much information i gained, i can literally plot an "accidental" meeting with him. he will think its a sign that we meet each other in the most random place and i will think im a disgusting stalker. but of course, i wont do that. why would i spend this much energy for a guy that barely knows me. 

i have another paper on wednesday next week. but i dont want to hope because i know im gonna meet with dissapointment anyway. i finally told dafinah about him two days ago. because i know only dafinah and sazu would like to hear about me and my loser love life. though she didnt give the reaction i wanted, but it was okay. i dont tell her everything because i think its a normal interaction now that im thinking about it. but i do tell her some butterfly moments. she was like "wow youre so into that guy" not "wow that guy has a thing for you". but she did say "maybe he likes you" eventually. i tried to deny it, because im not sure if he likes me. i know the sign is as clear as day, but if he actually likes me, then he would be plotting to "accidentally" meet me or if hes normal, he would message me or something. maybe deep down he regrets not returning back my hi, so now hes embarrased to face me. but idk. i dont think im that special. he'd probably met other women with the same humor as mine anyway. 

dafinah also asked if he has a girlfriend. this is the topic i hate. because sazu asked the same question too. maybe because adam had a gf when i was head over heels for him, so they just want me to be more cautious. but i was a bit annoyed because why would he talk to me then? why would he voluntarily sit next to me and asked about my life if he has a gf? why would he ask to a mixue hangout? why would he care about me in the first place? i just feel that if a guy has a gf, he would be a bit nonchalant. he would not care about other girls. and even hes the red flag type that talk to all girls, but red flags mostly only talk to pretty women. i dont look like the type a red flag guy would go for. i look like a loser. and im pretty sure kyle can pull a pretty woman, given how he looks, and he would never look my way. i know this can be contradicting, because most of the time, when a man cheats, he would go for a girl less prettier than his gf. but maybe because i dont take kyle as an idiot like that, so i dont think he'd do that. i feel like him asking the whole class to hangout is a sign that he has nobody. he didnt go home every week, so that signifieds that he didnt have gf outside upm. and a man with gf would at least dress up a little, but he only wears the same tshirt and sweatpants. he walked home alone. he played fifa until late at night (unless if he lied to me and he was actually on call with a girl). he took online courses and joined programs and volunteered to be lab demo on friday when usually people with gf would go on a date or something. i stalked his moms fb, theres no picture of him bringing a girl to family dinner or sat next to a girl. i only saw him bringing his roommate to his family gathering. hes just like me getting dragged to any family function and only played with kids because i dont want to talk to adults. the only thing that made me doubt a little is he has this big ass keychain on his bag. men usually dont carry bag with keychains because theyre boring like that, unless the keychain was given by someone special. this is where i have to keep a distance from him. i have to restrain myself from pursuing him further because i still dont know much about his life. 

this will be the last entry i write about him. i dont know what else to say. i dont want to keep repeating the same content and go crazy about a guy i barely know. there are multiple entries already, on here and on my journal. i realized i think about him too much. he probably never think of me like this. its like a one sided fantasy. i promised myself to stop thinking about him because it kinda takes a toll on me. i wasted a lot of time watching those "signs your crush likes you" tiktok, when deep down i know none of that is real. what we had is a brief connection and a regular interaction. i dont like him and i only like the idea of us. i only think i like him because i have curiosity. a crush is just lack of information. 

but if we have another "accidental" meet again, i will definitely update here first.

until then, goodbye.

fyp presentation and the horrible within

July 9th, 2026

we had our fyp proposal presentation yesterday. oh boy, its not great.

my presentation was on 8.30am. i was the first person to present that day. although it sounds bad in theory, because technically you have to wake up early and have no time to prepare after waking up, but i like that timing. as im getting older, i become quite fond of getting things done at early in the morning. because its the best time to get things done. you get to wake up early, you dont have to be anxious about it the entire day, you get things done and you still have a whole day. i get my mom now. i get why she always want to be the first person to arrive at mydin in the morning. because the parking is empty, the line is empty, the groceries are fresh and when you come back home, its still morning. so yeah, im not complaining about it. i hate when exam starts at 3pm, and i got very anxious to study the morning of it, and regret not studying it the day before. exam starts past afternoon makes me more lazier than ever tbh. 

anyway, i love that im also the first person. so i dont have to watch other people present and worried about what if i cant be as good. and if you're the first person, you will become the determinant of that day's presentation. youll become the standard if youre doing great, or youll become the worst example if youre doing bad. and because you're the first, the assesors have no expectations towards you. they cant compare you to anyone else. and to that, im very grateful to be the first person. 

i think i did great for the presentation. a little bit longer than i expected, but its good. i can see that my assesor getting bored because both of them dont know f1. so when i explain the f1 terms, they looked away. i didnt prepare for any question, because my mindset is just to rawdog it. just answer anything that comes to mind first. and if theres question that im unable to answer, i will simply say, i will take note of that and fix where i needed to. but thankfully all of the questions they ask are mostly about my slides. there are some infos on the slides that are wrongly placed or wrongly named, it should have been on other sections. i also need to be detailed about some infos and not just generalize it. most of the questions asked are about research gap, which i know they will come at. because i got  a feeling that my research gap is not completed. but overall, i can answer all questions and accept all suggestions. i dont think its that bad, though they dont say whether they like my idea or not. but they do ask me if i approach any ngo or sponsors that would love this app. i dont know if i need to or if they see that my app has potential. its good if they do, which means my app is not that stupid or useless. because i have a strong feeling that its a bit useless. who tf is that serious when playing f1 fantasy anyway. i havent open my f1 fantasy or predict for a long time now. 

they ask me to add some features to make this app less boring. which to that, i said screw you if you find it boring, you guys dont watch f1. but ofc i dont say that. i just say "maybe if i have time, i will include f1 fantasy game for beginner". 

anyway, i dont know why i think about kyle before and after the presentation. will he like it? will he be proud of me and my useless app? will he approve of my presentation? hows his presentation? i bet he nailed it. when i arrived at the faculty early in the morning, i was hoping to bump into him tbh. who knows that maybe our fate is too strong that we got to present at the same day at the same time. but the faculty was empty when i got there. it seemed like only my course that present that day. or maybe i was too early. i also was hoping to bump into him after the presenatation. what if we met and he asked me about my presentation and said he was proud of me and wanted to buy me some zus coffee to celebrate our successful presentations and we both walked there and talked and arrived at zus and still talked and sat next to each other until my mom came pick me up. but to my regret, the faculty was still empty when i finished.

"So what would you think of me now? So lucky, so strong, so proud" - hear you me (jimmy eat world)

i had been curating this scenario for two days now. it would have been so great if we could meet again, for the last time, and talk like before. talk like we're in those labs. i honestly dont want this to end. i still like him even though i keep replaying our awkward moments sometimes. we dont have much time left before graduating, i want to know about him more. i feel like a creep every time i scrolled his moms fb page. i want to know about his life from his perspective, not from his moms feed. it would have been perfect if we could just sit down one last time and get to know each other for the second time. because the last time, i was too coward for that. i got back home early. i should have stayed until he offered to get zus or something. 

okay, enough about kyle. it will pass, like any other crushes i have. i actually want to talk about my friend, who is also my roommate. after i was done with my presentation, it was her turn. my presentation was dragged a little because the assesors asked a lot of questions, plus i think my presentation is longer. i finished at 9.15, when i supposed to be finished at 8.55. my friend presented her project about 15 minutes, and then qna time.

the first male assesor asked her about her stuff. she had an user case diagram where she had two actors. one, the user and another one the admin. he asked her who is the admin. maybe she didnt quite undestand that, she thought the admin means the one that develop the app, so she asnwered me, im the admin. the assesor sounded a bit surprised by that, and he asked "youre gonna be the admin?" and she replied yes. he also asked her a bunch of other questions that i cant remember.

then, its time for the second assesor to ask question. shes a little strict. shes the one that asked me to adjust my slides bla bla. i used to have class with her in the previous semester. she didnt teach shit. she just asked us to do the google online course, coursera for the entire semester for her subject. so because of that, i thought she was chill and more laid back. however she was not. she even pointed out when i got my grammar wrong in the slides. 

anyway, i dont remember much what she asked because the tension in that room was so thick you could cut it with a knife. i pretended to scroll on my phone when she commented on my friends project. firstly, she criticized about her research gap. she put the comparison between the websites and the articles together in one table, which made it a bit confusing. then she critized about her using the word 'gamified' when theres no game proposed for the project. but i would argue that gamified does not mean game. it means interacting name mechanics into non-game context. like collecting points or get rewards. my friends website is about you get points every time you finished an assignments. and these points then can be turned into food redemption. if you collect more points, you can redeem food. thats a nice idea actually, since it encourages people to do assignments. but maybe the way she delivered it made it lacks something. the assesor was asking whos gonna supply the food. i dont remember what she answered. i think she said faculty cafe. 

the assesor than asked about the admin thing. whos gonna be the admin. and she answered her. then she asked again if she gonna be admin forever, is it not sustainbale if youre the admin. and my friend couldnt answer more of that. so thats when the assesor snapped. she said the admin should be the comcil to manage the website. thats when i was like ohh yeah make sense. even i didnt think about it. she criticized other things as well. then she asked my friend how long she prepared for the project, because she didnt seem serious about it. she said dont use chatgpt to do it for her. which is weird, because i also used chatgpt. the content in my slides are 100% refined by chatgpt. she also said, you're a final year student, this is not the quality you should be delivered. 

if i remember correctly, my friends completed her proposal first before me. she always have progressed in her project and meet our SV more than me (we share the same sv). i always thought im the lazy one among us three because i barely meet our sv (i shared my sv with another of my friend. so its three of us). i also used chatgpt for my slides and my methodology, because i simply cant think for myself. i can, but i dont have time for that. so it is a bit shocking when shes the one that got criticized for her project because her project seemed put together. my project is all over the place. 

the woman also critized that some of her diagram is too small to read. she called her to her table and said "from where im sitting, can you read your own slide? can you read the diagram?" sheesh. the assesor raised her voice, i hate when people raise their voice, so i definitely hate being here. i felt sorry for my friends. she must have felt like crying infront of the room. a little background about my friend, english is not her strong suit. she can understand when people speak in english, its just that she struggles a bit when talking in english. which i dont blame her. we live in the country where we mix up both malay and english and nobody can master both. its either you mediocre at both or you master one of them but mediocre with the other. i have never seen people who master both tbh. i have never seen people who can write both puisi and poetry with the same level of mastery. and my friend here is master in malay, because i have seen her write some puisi before. its not her fault the world is so unfair to her, that she is forced to be good at both languages. its not her fault that malaysia has split identity that we dont know if we should priotized malay or english. shes just good in malay, thats it. 

the questions were asked in english, and she replied with broken english. she understood the questions, its just her answer make it seems like she doesnt because she gave short answers. i know her heart was there. but because of the short answer, it made it seemed like she had no confidence in her answer. so maybe thats why the woman assesor was mad and said she wasnt serious. my friend was asked to do the presenatation again because the asseosr was not satisfied. the woman said "how about you present again?" and my friend replied "when?" and the woman was like "why? you have bought bus ticket? youre confident that you can pass this?" dammmmnnnnn. i was so scared for her. why would she said that. i would rather her giving low marks than asking me to do the presentation again. wait, yk what i'd rather do it again than her giving me low marks. the assesor then said to present to her online after the exam. 

anyway, its almost 10am when she finished. i was ready to get up, because me and her wanted to go back to college together. it was awkward, i dont know when should i get up. she looked like shes recollecting herself. so i just get up because its 10am, my mom supposed to pick me up. my friend saw me and followed me getting out of the room. 

outside, it was even more awkward. but thank god, shes not crying or anything. i dont know what to say if she was crying. she looked okay, just a little bit frustrated. she asked, "i dont know about doing it again." which i agree. thats when i told her, damn the woman is scary. i thought shes chill. i complained about her, and that she didnt have to get that mad. and we didnt talk much during the walk to college. we're both quiet. in awkward moment like this, i diassociated and thought about kyle, because hes hot so why not. and when we got to our room, she said how she had no energy to do anything. she didnt want to think about the fyp ever again. she looked tired, and so am i. if i were her, i would scream and curse at every breathing thing. i feel bad for her. i told her if she wants my mom to send her to tbs, she can just say it (her bus was at 2.30pm). thats the least i could offer to cheer her up. that was horrible what she went through. i know her, i know how much she worked for this. so i feel bad that she had to do this again. i even offered to buy her zus coffee (yes i think about kyle again).

but she didnt say anything after that. shes just on her phone until my mom arrived. im very bad at comforting people, because i dont know what to say. i dont want to say "sabar eh" because what if its not a sabar matter. what if they tried to hide that they are not affected by what happened because they are embarrassed and i tried to act like they are affected. what if shes just okay with it, but i overreacted. so if i need to comfort someone, i will take their side. if they are angry, i will make their feelings feel valid. i said the assesor was being too much and she should not get mad at her. 

after i got back home, my other friend asked in our whatsapp group if our presentation went well. i said that the assesor was strict and told her that she asked us to improved a lot of things. and she was like "serious laa". my other friend, the other one that also share the same sv, said the assesor said her app is not that impactful and students wont be using it. her app is like quizlet, where students get to make a quiz and answer themselves for self study. i dont know whats wrong with the accessor, but she was moody today. does she got beef with out sv? is she just mad that we all didnt have the prototype for out app/website? is that why shes so strict at everything?

damn, i just hope i got good marks. there are few things she asked me, but i can answer them all. she didnt look mad during my presentation. if anything, she just looked like shes trying to understand. i answered her questions with professional tone so i sound confident. i learned that sometimes, you dont have to get things right, you just need to be confident. confidence first, the truth second. i learned this from few extrovert people. you know how they sometimes are so confident to say the wrong things, but people believe them anyway because they look like they really believe in what theyre saying. so this is how i learned to talk like this. if youre confident enough, people gonna believe in any lie you say. if you want to convince people of anything, say it with confidence. pretend youre a politician. thats how you get away with anything.

and because of that, i would say im a pretty good liar. i dont lie often, but i always keep a straight face when i lie. share a little piece about your life, share some embarassing moments, and people gonna think you're an open book and not a liar. look convincing enough and now people gonna believe anything that came out of your mouth. i always practice to sound convincing when i talk or present. so i look like i master whatever topic im talking about. even if im not. 

thats some guide on how to be a good liar for you. im not saying im a good liar, because most of the time i just be direct about everything. but because people thought im gonna say whatever i feel, then they would never take me as a liar. i took MBTI test three times already. in 2022, in 2024, and in 2026. i got the same results for each test: INTJ. i dont really believe in stuff like this, but i got three same result in the same row, so its pretty convincing. 

i looked up about intj and its traits. it says that i can be a good liar, and that i am reserved person and i prefer to talk when its necessary. i also got a critical thinking where i would think about why certain things happen. such like asking why? why you do this instead of that? why you choose this and not that? what was your reasoning? and i also like to think about the possibility of what could happen. and apparently, intj do not give a damn about peoples feelings, and only think about logic. which if i think back, it sort of true. i sometimes dont care about peoples feelings because if i were in their shoes, i wont be affected by it that much. i just say good riddance, and move on. but im not saying i really dont care. I DO! i dont be much direct when it comes to feelings. i try to be condescending and arrange my words properly so it doesnt touch any sensitive part. its just sometimes i think people are too attached with their feelings that they dont see how much opportunity they have wasted because of that. people are too busy being insecure and shy they dont know how much they have missed out. people think too much about themselves and how they are perceived that they cant have fun anymore. people should be allowed to have fun without thinking whos gonna care about it. 

im insecure too, but there should be time and place for everything. i have a friend who cant even eat at a cafe if there are group of boys eating at the same place too. i told her we should eat here because i dont like to take away. but she said she didnt want to. i asked her why, though i know why. she clearly felt like she was being watched by the boys (which sounds a bit pick me, because why would the boys care about you. but shes pretty so its valid if she feels that way). so i just said "why? because theyre too loud? yeah i agree too, i think they are too loud. i hate when they laugh, because they will do too much sometimes." because me asking her why makes her feel like i was being judgemental and not understanding of her situation. i just dont want to make it awkward, okay. shes a bit perasan, yes, but fine. youre the pretty one, boys gonna look at you, so youre uncomfartable, okay. plus she has some boys in her dm trying to hit on her, so its valid if she thinks the boys will look at her. i dont want to be an inconsiderate loser friend whos just so oblivious about it, so i just keep quiet and follow what she wants. maybe because im not that pretty so idgaf if boys look at me or not. they mostly wont, and even if they do who cares. theyre not kyle.

maybe i need to be less direct and just follow what people want tbh. i hate that my friends are shy to do anything. but yk what i want to be a good friend, i want to be understanding. i dont want to seem like i dont care about peoples feelings at all. i care, but its just i show it in different way. but people with fragile heart wont get it. they only think about themselves sometimes.

goodbye.

because i liked a boy

June 22th, 2026 & July 6th, 2026

i feel pressured somehow to deeply learn coding, all because i liked a boy. 

it should have been a good thing right? to actually learn and understand what im doing. because he is so smart, i feel pressured to follow his steps. to know what he knows. so i can understand his tech jargon he likes to use to make him seems smart. 

i feel pressured to actually know F1 because i liked a boy. everytime i watched f1 race, my brain suddenly remind me of that time kyle said "bro i thought you were f1 fan!" thats so rude of him, and i think he did feel the same way too. maybe thats why he suddenly becomes nice to me because he must have think its too harsh. i resent him for that. i never get to watch f1 the same after that. i always feel like an imposter trying to fake watching f1. i know people like him is just snobbish and "terpaling", but somehow he haunted my brain everytime im doing my fyp or watching f1. i always wonder "is he gonna proud of my fyp? will he be dissapointed? is he gonna think im not fit to do this topic? does he watch the race and think of me?".

i cant do my fyp without thinking of him. i hate that he knows this much about my fyp. i hate that he must have thought im lazy because of that "OBJECTIVES?!". i hate that everytime i want to do it, i am reminded of him and whether or not hes gonna be satisfied of it. i hate that he must have thought im weak because i said i changed the topic. fuck him, lowkey. i regret telling him about my fyp. i should have just stayed quiet. now he wants to belanja mixue because he feels bad about it. 

i found his moms facebook page today (6/7). and oh boy, more new kyle pictures for me! to be fair, i didnt save them this time. i dont want to be a creep. i know how creepy it sounds like if the roles were reversed and it was my pictures that were saved and posted on some guy's private tiktok. so i keep my decency and just admire those pictures from the screen of my laptop. he looks handsome, like he always does. its unfair someone can look this hot and make me think of them all the time. i cant focus doing my fyp because my mind keep thinking of him. i keep thinking about how he must have been dissapointed if he sees how lazy i am to complete my fyp slides, even though my presentation is on 8/7 at 8am. i hate being in love. he just occupied every space in my brain.

he used to work part time at Machines NU Empire. from his moms posting, it seems like he works there every semester break. i searched the store on google map. i searched for his name in the reviews, and lets just say i fell more in love and became more insecure with this man. the reviews are saying how kyle is very friendly, helpful, professional, and knowledgeble. he knows his stuff and helps them with their problems. he also knows how to entertain kids. yes, i find it hot, but at the same time, it kinda fuel my jealousy. why do i have to fall for men who gonna make me more insecure? i hate myself for this. i should not have talk to kyle from the start and fall for him if i know its just gonna turns out like adam. if i know im gonna hate myself more and more and feel like a loser everytime i want to do something. 

seeing his pictures on his moms fb make me miss him more. i saw him holding kids and play with them. i saw him playing guitar (which immediately tick all the boxes) and getting electric guitar for his birthday. i saw him wearing a fuckass f1 shirt. i saw him going to church and getting Confirmation. i saw him and his twin sister doing photoshoot for a parenthood magazine. he looks so cute. i saw him going on vacation and celebrating his birthdays and attending open house. its like seeing his secret life that he never told me about. i want to see his face. i want to talk to him. i want to go to zus with him. if that can make the tension between us less awkward, then i'd do it. 

do i miss him or do i just on my period? 

i dont know if period heightened certain emotions, but right now im severely depressed. i think about kyle and how he knows everything i dont. i think about how much of  a loser i am compared to him. this is the same case as adam, but maybe worst. because kyle is living the life i thought i would live when i entered upm. i want to join hackathons too, i want to know softwares and coding stuff too, i want to work part time during semester break too. the reality just hit me. i thought i'd never compare myself to kyle, since we are obviously very opposite, but here we are. i want to cry so bad. i hate that i think of him everytime im doing my fyp. i think about how he must have looked down on me and my fyp progress. how he must have known everything about his fyp and prepared early, unlike me. i think about how he must have think im too dumb for him that he had to reconsider to be friends with me. he must have think im that stereotype lazy malay person. or that i dont really watch f1, and my fyp about f1 is just so that it sounds nice on paper. or that i used chatgpt for a lot of work, or that i will work normal minimum job after degree, unlike him. 

i hate that he got his life figured out. he looks like the kind of guy who would get a lot of offers after graduation and got senior position in just two years. he knows how to communicate with people and convince people anything. even the machines customers love him. even his moms friends said that hes handsome and he knows how to be a good sales associate. my moms friends never said im pretty. its always "dah besar dah anak ella". 

im so jealous of him right now, that if i meet him at faculty, i would give him that same smile he gave me on monday last week. i have the nerve to think we're the same and that we'd make a good couple, when in reality we are the opposite of each other. yes, he thinks im funny, but then what? he thinks im dumb and lazy and a loser too. i dont think he wants to hangout with me. he just feels sorry for verbally judging me. thats it. is this my preiod talking, or my brain? i dont know anymore. i just know that my fyp presentation gonna be mediocre and im gonna hate myself and comapred myself to every guy i like, forever. i always gonna think im not good enough for anyone if im not good enough for myself. i can attract any guy that is my type, but everytime they show a glimpse of their life that is slightly better than me, thats when i back off. i can never be at their level. liking men like that just proven that having a crush does not motivate me at all. it only demotivates me and makes me feel more insecure. i am never escaping this loserdom. 

do i still blame this feelings on my period?

I AM IN LOVE WITH NATE JACOBS AND HE IS IN LOVE WITH ME

July 5th, 2026

the reality of never seeing him again just hit me. i will forever grieve our memories in those online classes and physical classes. i have never had a man so interested in me, and this is my first time. so it will hit me like a truck. listening to love songs and sad songs is going to be different, now that i have his face in every scenario. especially for the new olivia rodrigo album, when i hear it, all i see his face and the future we never had. for now, hes my muse. he has somewhat inspired me to write four entries of my blog and four entries of my journal to be about him. all my close friends ig stories in june are about him. even adam only gets one journal entry. this semester break is just gonna be me thinking about the possibility of us and our future and how we almost had it all but we're both too chicken for it. i will regret everything and feel like i have miss out on a lot of opportunities to be with him.  

i love how he still remember the last week mixue hangout that i cant join. hes still onto that. "Damia you present since you didnt come last friday" its obvious that he wanted me there. its obvious he wanted to invite me. and i like that he made it obvious. its attractive that he thinks he would enjoy my company, to the point he regrets doing online class. on thursday evening, he wanted to do physical class without asking the class so people have no choice to vote for online, and we can meet each other and he can invite us all to zus or mixue. i hate that idea a little actually, because i dont want to be with anyone else. i just want to be with kyle alone. im shy and quiet around everybody else, but with kyle i can just be embarassing and dgaf about it. maybe because i think we will never meet again or i think he's just as embarrassing, so i dont care if im awkward with him. and i love that he doesnt care if im awkward with him, or he doesnt care if he's just as awkward. i hope there will be time where we can meet each other, at faculty or somewhere else, and we can both sit down and have a chat. just two of us, nobody else. i can ask him more about his life and he can ask more about mine and i can invite him to play puzzle at my house. i want to be friends with him as much as he wants to be friends with me. even if we're not together, i still think we'd make good friends. we can talk about our life and i can get to know him better and i can use his connections to get good job and he gets to have a funny friend that will follow wherever he goes. its mutual benefits. 

the title might exaggerate a bit, i dont love kyle. he does not fully reveal himself, so its impossible for me to love him. but i like kyle. he has spark my interest ever since we talk that friday. im a very curious person, and right now my hyperfixation is on him. i like that he's kinda chill and a little bit of a nerd. i like that he finds me interesting and wants to hangout with me. its cute. no other guy wants to hangout with me like this. even if i have some guys who like me, they never this forward like kyle. they only like me when im around, then forget about me after it ends. but kyle actually wants me around. he still thinks about the mixue hangout where i cant go. i hope this is just not me being delusional. 

he will probably forget about me in a month or two and i will have his face burned at the back of my mind. he will have another girl can make jokes to him and he will be so interested in her, and i will think im the only girl that can make him laugh. he will think im just somebody he used know and i will forever think i have a special place in his life and that he will never forget about me. 

its sad how i like him this much and he probably didnt think about me like this at all. and i probably misheard what he said and he probably dgaf if i was going to mixue or not. he does not go to sleep thinking of me and wake up thinking of me again. he does not think about ways on how to "accidentally" bump into me in faculty. he doesnt stalk my linkedin or save my pictures he found on the internet. he doesnt write entries about me in his blog or journal. he probably does not share about me to his friends like i did. perhaps his friends dont know about me at all. im the only one that romaticize every single interaction we had because im simply just a loser. 

i always think people who are being nice to me secretly want me. i should have be more realistic sometimes. adam showing nice getures and i swore he wants me bad. he took my pictures many times and i thought he wants to keep them i like i keep kyles photos. all the while he took other peoples pictures too. him talking to me and i made a conclusion that he wants me. but he talked with other people too, because he is just friendly like that. now with kyle, although its different, kyles the one that strike up conversation with me, but its still a similar thing. they both talk to me just to be nice. they dont want to know more about me or anything. theyre not that interested in me. kyle teased me like friends did and i make an entire entry on my journal about how he's in love with me. kyle laughed at my jokes and i already picture us sitting on the floor of my room, solving 1000pcs jigsaw puzzle together. 

my brain has the ability to create this believable, ambitious future about me and kyle, but then chicken out when opportunity comes knocking. if i want him, i would make a big effort to get him. but i dont. so i dont think my heart and brain desperately need him like that. 

but after yesterdays class, the reality sets in. that i will never find someone like kyle again. that i will go back to my loser self, having no man interested in me. i will forever think im undesirable and a coward because im too self concious about being a pick me that i let go of my future. it has always been the case with me. like in examination, i will get too lazy to study that i just lost the opportunity to improve my cgpa. i hate that im anxious about not be able to achieve what i want, but when it actually happens, i let the opportunity go. i dont put effort to get what i want, and then regret i didnt do my best after it ends. i hate myself for being lazy and i hate that kyle must have thought im lazy and use chatgpt to code too. 

but its different story now. i just hope i can be in the same proximity as kyle again, because i really want to know more about him without making it look desperate. i can see our future, even though its grey, but im ready to risk it. my life has been on flight mode lately, with chatgpt and stuff. i need to feel the thrill of emotions like people in relationship. i want to have my first heartbreak. i want to have a hot nerd boyfriend who i have no future with. 

see, i dont think i love kyle. i just like the idea of it. the idea of me pulling a hot nerd. the idea of people praising me of pulling a hot nerd. the idea of my family dont think im that of a loser anymore. the idea of people think i can actually pull someone. i have always want a boyfriend that is also a friend and also can help me with my coding stuff. kyle is the perfect candidate. but i dont know if i meet the criteria of his dream girl. i dont care if he only likes the idea of me too, but i dont think he finds me attractive than other girls. he must have only finds me funny. its actually good to know he likes my personality instead of the way i look. i know it sounds crazy, but i like it when people find me funny instead of pretty. because being funny is all i have. i have never been on the pretty side but thats okay. at least i know that guys who like me found me cool and funny. and its not because of my looks. and i like them for that. they must have a good taste. 

when i met kyle, i didnt have makeup on. my face was greasy and my acne scars were as visible as moon surface. my teeth were big and yellow. my lips were chapped and pale. but i realized his lips were chapped too, so i found it cute that we both had chapped lips. i love that he still wants to talk to me and interested to have more converstion with me, despite seeing me in a state where i think is not my best look. yes, i do look good barefaced, but i can look better with makeup. he still laughed at my jokes anyway and waited for me when i went to the bathroom. i love when he covered his face to laugh when i made jokes. its sooooo cute. i will never get away from those laugh. 

again like i said, it will take a while for me to get over him. i know i dont really have a type. i just think people who like me already fit the criteria i want. like oh you like me and found me attractive? then youre already cool to me. youre already my type. i love when people laugh at my jokes and stick around to hear more of my jokes. even though im not funny all the time, but they somehow think im funny all the time. 

thank you kyle for everything. for teaching me flutter and stuff. for laughing at my jokes. for making me the pretttiest and funniest woman on the planet for one month. i wish i could say that i appreciate whatever he have taught me last night, but i was too chicken for that. especially infront of the whole full class. i dont want them to think i really want his attention. saying "just give it bro" was already too much for me. and kyle saying my name many times must have strike up to them that theres conflict of interest between us. they must have thought im a pick me lowkey. 

but yes, i love kyle. i love that he makes me look less of a loser. i love that he makes me feel like a desirable woman, even if its just temporary. i love how he boost my ego. now my friends think i can pull anyone since i can pull kyle. my friends will think only good quality guys are attracted to me. that i dont attract losers. its a good ego boost, now that they know what kind of guys are after me. lol this sounds so cringe. its not like kyle likes me like that. its either i can pull, or its because there are only 4 girls in the class and im the only one that gives him attention.

i hope i can hear him says my name again. i love to hear that. i love to hear his voice. i hope i can meet him around faculty again and reminisce our time in that lab, sitting next to each other and laughing at each others jokes.

farewell.

there is hope

June 29th, 2026

when i thought all my hope is gone, that i will never meet him again, god blessed me with the sight of him. 

i met him at faculty today. and its all because of my feminine intuition. 

we had class at 11am, supposedly its online class. but theres an event in faculty hall. its a talk and attendance is compulsory for third year student. my lecturer wanted our class to go and fill in the attendance. i obviously not the best of the bunch when it comes to event like this. why would i get ready just to go to a talk that i'd probably wont ever care about. these companies that were giving talk are obvioulsy there just to promote their business and pretend that they are recruiting "interns". we all know they just want some cheap labor. 

but when my lecturer said the talk is for third year student, i have a strong intuition that kyle would be there. i mean, we're the same year. of course theres big chance he was there. i tried to find excuse to bring along my friend there, since she also didnt want to go. again, we're not the type to attend talk or faculty event. so i just told her i want faculty food because i had enough of college food. i also wanted to go to family mart vending machine in faculty. also, the attendance. we need to take attendance for the class.

when we arrived, we straight away went to the foyer. the foyer was infront of the hall. theres a table there from kenanga group. they were handing out rm10 zus voucher if you vote for them in some company awards. so we did. we stood at the table and scanned the qr and voted on our phone. while we're completing the vote, suddenly students from the hall came out. they were rushing to that table. maybe they heard about the zus voucher. but me and my friends didnt move. there were so many people there, so theres a big chance that he would be there too among the crowds. 

lo and behold, he was there. he was standing a bit far from us. i saw him because i did a quick glance around and saw that pair of thick eyebrows. i have bad eyesights, but thats definitely him. i recognize that eyebrows everywhere. so i acted cool, and im sure he recognized my shirt too. because i used to wear the shirt when we had class once. me and my friend went to cafe back (cafe is beside the foyer) because theres too many people and we got overstimulated. we sat down and completed the vote. and from the corner of my eyes,  i saw kyle was approaching my way. and guess what. beside our table was kyle's friends. he came and sat at his friends table. 

but me, being cool, i didnt look his way at all. i know he was there. he may or may not sat there because i was there. but i didnt sit there for long. we saw that the foyer already clear of students, so we got up and went back there. i left my bottle and sandwich on the table, just to let him know that i'll be back. he knows my bottle. he saw me drink a lot from that bottle when i talked to him on 12th june.

we went back to foyer to claim the voucher and a free tote bag. we were there for a while, like 5 mins. and when me and my friend wanted to go back to our table, kyle was heading to the foyer. i know im delusional, but i think he followed me. i think he wanted my attention just like i want his. but again, i pretend i didnt see him. we went back to our table, but his friends put their bags on the chair of our table. so we have to find another table. we went to table at the inside of the cafeteria instead. from this table, i got a perfect view of his back. i recognize that back from his mom's business' fb page. i found a lot of his pictures yesterday from that page. i saved all of them and posted them on my private tiktok. new content for me yeay!

of course, im a sucker for his attention since i wont be seeing him again. i got up after finished eating and went back out to the cafe hall to buy from family mart vending machine. after all, that was my goal from the start. i took my time there, since kyle might or might not see me from behind. i was buying stuff and after that walked pass his table again and went to my table. i dont know if he saw me, i didnt glance his way. i kept my face stoic. whats funnier is adam was in the cafe too. two of the boys i like were in the same proximity. how fabulous. i did realize adam was glancing my way, but who cares about that guy when i have kyle. 

anyway, another friend came and she also wanted to vote to get the voucher. so we waited for her to get done. i was glancing at kyles back the whole time. and when that friend was done, we got up to go back to the foyer. i saw kyle was getting up too at that time. me and my friends were walking to the door of the cafeteria, kyle was walking pass that door. and i saw kyle glanced inside the door. he was so looking for me. but he didnt see me of course because my friend was leading the line. i was behind her.  

but i think he saw a glimpse of me. because when we got out and walked behind kyle, he TURNED AROUND. he turned around, maybe forgetting something, maybe just wanting to see my face, who knows. but he saw me eventually. he saw me and smile. but its not like a good smile. its a smile you give to be polite. like both lips pressed together and a little bit upturned. i looked it up, its called closed-mouth smile. and thats it. thats all he gave to me. all that back and forth and he just gave me those lame ass smile. show me your teeth bitch. well at least i got to see his dimples. a girl cant complain tho.

and i dont want to make it awkward because i can feel the tension. so i tried to laugh. i tried to signify that we are friends that suddenly bumped into each other and its funny to me somehow. so i let out a pfft. like i smiled with my lips closed and let out a snort. i want him to know i found it funny that we both meet each other at faculty on a random monday morning. but now that i think back, what if he thinks im making fun of him with my friends? what if he thinks i talked shit about him to my friends and when they saw him they were like, ew hes short?

thats a stupid reaction on my part. i should have just smile like a normal person and moved on. but oh well, i dont want to overthink about this. its just a normal interaction between two friends. whatever i wont be seeing him again. anyway, my friends saw that. and they were like "is that kyle". and i was like yep, thats the man you guys been shipping me with. and then my friends stopped in front of the family mart vending machine because they met other friends of ours. they were talking and i went to the nearest trash can to throw away my trash. and when i turned back around to my friends, there was kyle. again.

he saw me, i saw him. and this time i told myself that i want to make sure i look friendly and warm and not in mocking way. i make sure to control every stretch of muscle in my face. he saw me first and i smiled and show some teeth to show that i was laughing and i find this funny like bumped into your friends kind of funny. but he did the same smile again. -_-

he gave me that mouth closed uptight smile. and i thought hes just awkward so i said hi (with hand gesture and all). but he didnt say hi back. he just walked away. HE WALKED AWAY. HES GOT AWAY. after all that banter and flirting, he just walked away? no hi, no nothing. just that stupid smile. i made sure to make myself acknowledge his presence and this is how he returned it back? whats wrong with this guy. does he has girlfriend or something. does he has a girl in that proximity that might see us talking to each other? is he shy to talk to me infront of his friends? do i embarassed him?

again, i dont want to overthink this. but this is plain rude. whats wrong with him. why suddenly he treated me like we dont know each other. does he somehow find out i was stalking his moms fb? his sisters tiktok? his linkedin? again, i dont want to overthink this. i was just being friendly, like how we were in those friday classes. i dont regret saying hi to him, i dont regret smiling wide at him. but he must have gone through something. or he just simply dont really care about me outside the class. chuffing hell. am i just being delusional all this while? he didnt care about me at all.

my friends were hyping me up saying how cute the interaction was. but i just smiled and said "ew". but deep down, i hate it. i hate this interaction. why do you make this awkward. this is not the kyle i know. my close friend said maybe he was just shy. but why would you shy infront of me? TWICE. one time, i understand. but two time feels like hes avoiding me. he had made fun of me in class. i made it clear that i wasnt shy of you, so maybe you should reciprocate the same energy. 

i used to watch "sign he likes you" on tiktok for funsies, because i dont believe in that bullshit. one of the sign is if a guy likes you, he'll let you know. he will make it clear. he will always want to hold eye contact with you. he wont give you mixed signals. but now, kyle is giving me mixed signals. i know i should not assume anyrhing since we only talk during class hour, but its obvious he doesnt want anything to do with me. i dont want to overthink this, i dont want to overreact, but i think its over. whatever we had before, stays in the past. we'd be stranger again after this. i am never messaging him and asking him about flutter. i hope he overthinks today as much as i do. i hope he regret doing that and find a way to make up for this. i can plot our next meeting again. this faculty is not that big.

btw, he looked good. he wore a white shirt thats a little big on him. probably borrowed. and jeans. i know he had mock business negotiation for our cel, because he wont wear that if its not an option. he usually just wear the same dark blue tshirt and grey sweatpants. but today he dressed up for cel. my friend said hes handsome, which i secretly hundred percent agree. but i just said "you find him attractive because he has fair skin". but now my friends know. the kyle that has been bantering with me in mobile app class. the kyle that talked with me for an hour. the kyle that invited me to go to mixue. my friends seeing his face feels like an ego boost to me. like look at me, a mid looking woman can pull a handsome nerd. but thats only sounds good on paper. because look at this handsome nerd now, he didnt even acknowledge me :( and i have to let him go. for good.

bye.