June 20th, 2026
what is wrong with me. i cant stop thinking about him
this is a serious case of obsession. i would pick up where i left off and stalked him even more. i would screenshot or screenrecord any media that has his face shown, even is its unclear. i would post them on my private tiktok and add taylor swift sounds over that video. i would go to sleep thinking about him and wake up the next morning thinking of the same face again. its like as if my brain just continue my thoughts from last night.
its been a week since our interaction last friday and i cant help myself. i need to see his face again. everytime i had conversation with my friend, i'll try to manouver the topic to be about HIM. i desperately need to share to someone what are we talk about. because i cannot keep it to myself. people need to hear it. people need to know that he laughed at my jokes. he said take care to me. he put his feet on the bar of my chair. he shared his hardship with me. he waited for me to come back from the bathroom.
i want to spill whatever we talk about until im tired and bored and come back to my senses and realize its not that special. just a conversation between two people.
i hate liking people with no social media presence because i dont even has picture. the only pictures i have of him are blurry pixels screenshotted from his sister's tiktok videos. i also obtained some videos of him back in 2023 posted on his mom's small business' customer's ig reels. it was heavily filtered but whatever. at least i get to see his beautiful face and his biceps. its weird becuase when we talked last week, i didnt find him that attractive. he looks tired and his hair got over his face. but in the video from the video, he looks absolutely stunning. i cant even believe that was him. but thank you very much to that customer, because i now have more of his face i can admire every night. at least its cleared than the screenshots i took from his sister's tiktok.
after kyle happened, i just feel like talk about him to anyone. to my upm friends, my school friends, my family. just so they now its real. i talked to a guy and he laughed at my jokes. im not being delusional. i feel like bringing him up in every conversation i had with my friends. i cant help myself. i need to talk about him. i feel like that male-centered women that people alays discuss about. yk those woman who only wants to talk about their boyfriends, always want to mention how every guy likes her. im afraid i act like that with my friends. but to be fair, my friends ship me with him first. my friends bring him up in conversation first. so i dont think im that bad?
its critical. i have never been like this with adam. or wait, maybe i have. I HATE MYSELF OMG. thats why i hate when im like someone. i disect every interactions and i need to share it with somebody. sazu is not responding to my message. i think she also got sick of me and my crushes. so i JUST NEED SOMEONE i can talk to. thankfully i have this blog. i can be male-centered in peace. without the pressure of feminism to worry about.
we had class with kyle just now. he said my a lot. he was like "does anyone has questions? damia or other group can ask question if you want". like damn bro. dont mention us like that im shy. but seriously im scared of him. scared that im too dumb for him. that i will never reach his level and he must have think im that person who uses ai too code. he must have judge me a lot and reconsider to like me becuase im everything hes against. i know i shouldnt have to worry because thats not my prblem, but deep down i want to be admired. i want someone to look up to me and think im smart. for once. i feel like a loser everytime i like someone. i hate that i have a type for smart guy and then feel like im competing with them. and i feel like im not smart enough to be with them.
i hope whatever im feeling right now stops. i dont want this to get into the way of my projects.
until next time, bye.
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