sepang im coming

Aug 16th, 2026

i caved and bought the tickets.

3 tickets to bahrain gp in sepang. i took a selfie before making this decision, to ensure that im confident that this will make me happy and fulfilled. i planned out ways to save money for the aftermath. maybe i'll forced myself to starve, like i always do. 

the day before, milo asked me if im going. at the time, i already let all the hopes go. i was confident all the tickets have sold out, and even if theyre not, i cant afford rm800 for a hillstand view. thats too much. theres no rooftop, it will be burning hot, and i have to go there early if i want a spot with nice view. like i said, i dont think i'll pay 800 for that experience. so i replied to milo that im not sure about going. because the ticket sold 3-day. i told her i just want 1-day pass for the race day. which, also the truth. i dont think i have the energy to experience the same shit for 3 days straight. and maybe because i had given up, i already think of what im gonna do with the unspent money. maybe splurge on 5sos concert outfit, or buy billy when my parents arent looking. or even better, buy the new alexandra brackens book thats coming out next week. it will have spray edges they said. 

so of course, i already buried the idea of going to f1. then, the night before, i discussed with deni and pia whether they want to go to f1, even if the only tickets left are 800 and above. they said they want to go. i was a bit shocked that they still want to go with it. especially pia, since i dont think she have that much savings to splurge on f1. she said if im not going, she still wants to go with deni. i dont want to be left out of course, so i agree. it was a hard decision to make, but whatever. money can come and go. and having eating disorder actually helps my situation. i know i swore to never be like those ed girls on twitter, but i dont think im extreme as them. thats why i dont think im that bad. im just gonna do omad or whatever. i already planned to walk 40 minutes when im in upm on new sem later. i think my college is going to be very far from civilazation and i will be at the faculty that is even beyond far than most population. so thats a great oppurtunity for me to brisk walk and get super skinny with strong legs. and plus not eating, just call me ariana grande already.

im not ed, of course. i still do snacking once in a while, but i feel that this is the only time i will exercise and do brisk walk. after this, after graduation, i dont think i will be walking around that much. and my weight will inflate because i will just seat on my desk 24/7. my muscle will be gone. so this is the only opportunity to do all that before i enter working life. maintaining my weight would be difficult, so i think its easier if i lose a lot of weight now, and gain a bit when im working later.

anyway, i bought the f1 ticket this morning. used papas credit card, told my parents about it. told milo about it. she said how im going to go there etc. i said im going with my sisters from seremban. she said shes asking to people on reddit about who wants to carpool with her in kl. so basically, shes going with strangers she met on reddit. she also said theyre mostly foreigners. i was like what? you just trust them like that? i mean, shes extorverted, she likes to speak with everyone, and shes knows with kyle btw. so i undestand how she operates. but following strangers tho? idk. shes brave, thats all i have to say. i mean its a good experience i guess. i want to ask her whether shes going with friends (especially #him), but it seems like shes going there alone with strangers on reddit. either him and her are not that close, or he just didnt go. i hope he'll be there. imagine spending rm800 and the person you truly want to be there is not there. 

i told my dad he doesnt have to give me allowance on spetember. im ready to risk it all. im ready to starve myself in upm. i will, unfortunately, tell my parents about my situation as well. so when they hear my sob story, they will give me more money. they already worry about me not eating, worry about me wearing kids clothes, and i think they know how i always on the weight scale in their bedroom. because apparently that scale is connected to an app. i dont know if they actually use the app, but if they do, they will definitely know im weighting myself everyday and know what my weight is. i have since stop coming to their room to scale myself. even though i have the urge to do so, i have to restrain myself. i dont want them to worry about me. i know what im doing.

daydreaming

Aug 15th, 2026

like i said in my previous post, i supposed to go to ikea today. i supposed to buy a billy bookshelf for my room. the night before, i cleaned my wall from tack-it and moved all posters so i can make room for my new bookshelf that i supposed to have it today. but of course my dad has other plan. 

at 9.23 am today, my mom messaged to the group. she said my dad said no need to buy the bookshelf yet. my dad wanted me to buy the bookshelf with him together, because allegedly he wants to buy other stuff too in ikea. the thing is, hes been saying this since last year. hes been saying that he wants to buy me a billy and buy more billys for the family area. but here we are. still no billy. he keeps saying the same thing over and over, making the same promises, and im tired to hear about it. i need my billy neow. okay maybe not now, but i need it soon enough. because i know i will buy more books and my bookshelf cant take any more book. its already packed like sardine. but knowing my dad, soon will be another year, and i will have to beg for him to keep his promises. 

the thing is, im not using his own money. i already plan to use mine, using spaylater and utilize some vouchers as well. but im broke, so it would be nice to use his money instead. but thats the hard pill i have to swallow. i have to beg and wait and beg again and wait, until hes had enough of it. 

so i obey and wait.

besides the billy thing, im also a little bit frustrated of not going to ikea today. because, if you already know me, you know i already created a scenario where, yes, #he would be there. like come on. im in my process of forgetting him, but at the same time i still want to see his face. i still create scenarios where we would accidentally bump into each other. none of these scenarios have come alive yet, but its nothing wrong to hope that they will. i guess seeing him in ikea would be fun. i imagined he would see me in the middle of buying my billy and he would come up to me and said "damia?" and we would chit chat a bit and we would talk about f1 in sepang and complain about how ridiculous the price is. just like the old days (two months ago).

its not a surprise i made a little scenario where i bump into him at everywhere i go, because its fun. i can practice my stoic face and acting like i didnt just fantasize about us meeting in the most random place like this. too bad we didnt go to ikea today, like i was hoping for. maybe we can try nu empire next.

talking about nu empire, i just realized ive went there before. the mall used to be called empire shopping gallery. i know about that mall because when i lived in rawang, whenever my parents want to go somewhere in selangor, they would use the highway besides that mall. so i knew that mall. it used to have a fire accident in one of the shops there, so when i passed the mall, i would see some part of it had charred structure because it got engulfed in fire. the famous wicked wardrobe also used to have store there, so thats how i know about the mall. i once begged to my mom to go, but she never let me. 

but the mall is not just a childhood memory. during my alevel years, ive once initiated a hangout with sazu and deni at subang parade (odd choice to hangout, considering how old this mall is. i know. my parents made fun of me later on because i went to a mall nobody went to anymore). but anyway, we met there and i finally realize how old every shop in this mall was. its like going to third floor of berjaya tiems square. every shop is either bundle or indie shop you never heard of. there are some frenchise like mcd and kfc but everything else was mid. nothing much to do, and i did regret not doing any thorough research about this mall. i chosed subang parade because its near to sazu and me. 

so being dissapointed about the mall, me and deni found another mall beside subang parade that is much more modern and less lame. its just walking distance and we also asked sazu to go there instead. i remember the mall is much more fun than subang parade. its more of a mall than subang parade. the shops are more modern and there are more variety in cafes and restaurants. i remember we ate there instead. and i also ordered grab to intec alone because i had exam at 4pm. i dont even know the name of the mall, i just remember that its better than subang parade. i had the urged to check google maps a few days ago and that mall turns out to be nu empire. haha. you know, he said he worked there after spm, which was somewhere in 2022. my hangout was in 2022. there is a higher chance we might be at the same place at the same time as each other and never know. red string theory or wtv they said.

anyway, me and my sisters went to ayam gepuk shop near my house for lunch. while waiting, pia asked me to teman her to jnt across the shop to drop a parcel. we entered the jnt store, and guess what. i met kyle. just kidding, but i met someone who resembled him. this jnt staff who was helping customer at the counter looked so much like kyle its uncanny. i literally thought it was him at first. i was like, why is kyle doing part time in sendayan? but seriously, the staff looked so much like him. down to the eyebrows, the haircut, the lips, the skinny jeans. he IS a copy of him. i thought its just my brain daydreaming in the middle of this jnt store, but no. he really looked like him, just a bit tanner. i kept glancing at him many times to make sure its not kyle. maybe this is just universe trying to bully me for having my hopes up, since i fantasized about bumping into him the day before. 

maybe this a sign or something, but sadly i dont believe in that. 

btw, im still considering to buy that f1 ticket. the rm200 ticket already sold out. my only option is the rm800 ones. deni and pia agree to go. they have money, they dont have problem with that. i have money too, but i have problem with that. if i go to f1, then there goes my savings. im actively reading again, so i think about every spending in book currency. rm800? i could buy 12 books in kino with that. rm300 for bookshelf? i could buy 5 books in popular. nothing is worth more than books right now. 800 is too much. i can literally buy abrand new kobo with that money. i dont think i love f1 more than i love books. like i said, i already lose hope to watch f1. sitting on the grass under blazing sun, with expensive food, and theres higher percentage of rainstorm and traffic jams, and shitty toilet and surau. tell me if that experience is worth 800 ringgit.

now the only reason i want to go is i might or might not get to see #him. which not really a strong reason to spend my rm800, considering how he might not be there or we sat at different hillstand.

and the dilemma continues.