there is hope

June 29th, 2026

when i thought all my hope is gone, that i will never meet him again, god blessed me with the sight of him. 

i met him at faculty today. and its all because of my feminine intuition. 

we had class at 11am, supposedly its online class. but theres an event in faculty hall. its a talk and attendance is compulsory for third year student. my lecturer wanted our class to go and fill in the attendance. i obviously not the best of the bunch when it comes to event like this. why would i get ready just to go to a talk that i'd probably wont ever care about. these companies that were giving talk are obvioulsy there just to promote their business and pretend that they are recruiting "interns". we all know they just want some cheap labor. 

but when my lecturer said the talk is for third year student, i have a strong intuition that kyle would be there. i mean, we're the same year. of course theres big chance he was there. i tried to find excuse to bring along my friend there, since she also didnt want to go. again, we're not the type to attend talk or faculty event. so i just told her i want faculty food because i had enough of college food. i also wanted to go to family mart vending machine in faculty. also, the attendance. we need to take attendance for the class.

when we arrived, we straight away went to the foyer. the foyer was infront of the hall. theres a table there from kenanga group. they were handing out rm10 zus voucher if you vote for them in some company awards. so we did. we stood at the table and scanned the qr and voted on our phone. while we're completing the vote, suddenly students from the hall came out. they were rushing to that table. maybe they heard about the zus voucher. but me and my friends didnt move. there were so many people there, so theres a big chance that he would be there too among the crowds. 

lo and behold, he was there. he was standing a bit far from us. i saw him because i did a quick glance around and saw that pair of thick eyebrows. i have bad eyesights, but thats definitely him. i recognize that eyebrows everywhere. so i acted cool, and im sure he recognized my shirt too. because i used to wear the shirt when we had class once. me and my friend went to cafe back (cafe is beside the foyer) because theres too many people and we got overstimulated. we sat down and completed the vote. and from the corner of my eyes,  i saw kyle was approaching my way. and guess what. beside our table was kyle's friends. he came and sat at his friends table. 

but me, being cool, i didnt look his way at all. i know he was there. he may or may not sat there because i was there. but i didnt sit there for long. we saw that the foyer already clear of students, so we got up and went back there. i left my bottle and sandwich on the table, just to let him know that i'll be back. he knows my bottle. he saw me drink a lot from that bottle when i talked to him on 12th june.

we went back to foyer to claim the voucher and a free tote bag. we were there for a while, like 5 mins. and when me and my friend wanted to go back to our table, kyle was heading to the foyer. i know im delusional, but i think he followed me. i think he wanted my attention just like i want his. but again, i pretend i didnt see him. we went back to our table, but his friends put their bags on the chair of our table. so we have to find another table. we went to table at the inside of the cafeteria instead. from this table, i got a perfect view of his back. i recognize that back from his mom's business' fb page. i found a lot of his pictures yesterday from that page. i saved all of them and posted them on my private tiktok. new content for me yeay!

of course, im a sucker for his attention since i wont be seeing him again. i got up after finished eating and went back out to the cafe hall to buy from family mart vending machine. after all, that was my goal from the start. i took my time there, since kyle might or might not see me from behind. i was buying stuff and after that walked pass his table again and went to my table. i dont know if he saw me, i didnt glance his way. i kept my face stoic. whats funnier is adam was in the cafe too. two of the boys i like were in the same proximity. how fabulous. i did realize adam was glancing my way, but who cares about that guy when i have kyle. 

anyway, another friend came and she also wanted to vote to get the voucher. so we waited for her to get done. i was glancing at kyles back the whole time. and when that friend was done, we got up to go back to the foyer. i saw kyle was getting up too at that time. me and my friends were walking to the door of the cafeteria, kyle was walking pass that door. and i saw kyle glanced inside the door. he was so looking for me. but he didnt see me of course because my friend was leading the line. i was behind her.  

but i think he saw a glimpse of me. because when we got out and walked behind kyle, he TURNED AROUND. he turned around, maybe forgetting something, maybe just wanting to see my face, who knows. but he saw me eventually. he saw me and smile. but its not like a good smile. its a smile you give to be polite. like both lips pressed together and a little bit upturned. i looked it up, its called closed-mouth smile. and thats it. thats all he gave to me. all that back and forth and he just gave me those lame ass smile. show me your teeth bitch. well at least i got to see his dimples. a girl cant complain tho.

and i dont want to make it awkward because i can feel the tension. so i tried to laugh. i tried to signify that we are friends that suddenly bumped into each other and its funny to me somehow. so i let out a pfft. like i smiled with my lips closed and let out a snort. i want him to know i found it funny that we both meet each other at faculty on a random monday morning. but now that i think back, what if he thinks im making fun of him with my friends? what if he thinks i talked shit about him to my friends and when they saw him they were like, ew hes short?

thats a stupid reaction on my part. i should have just smile like a normal person and moved on. but oh well, i dont want to overthink about this. its just a normal interaction between two friends. whatever i wont be seeing him again. anyway, my friends saw that. and they were like "is that kyle". and i was like yep, thats the man you guys been shipping me with. and then my friends stopped in front of the family mart vending machine because they met other friends of ours. they were talking and i went to the nearest trash can to throw away my trash. and when i turned back around to my friends, there was kyle. again.

he saw me, i saw him. and this time i told myself that i want to make sure i look friendly and warm and not in mocking way. i make sure to control every stretch of muscle in my face. he saw me first and i smiled and show some teeth to show that i was laughing and i find this funny like bumped into your friends kind of funny. but he did the same smile again. -_-

he gave me that mouth closed uptight smile. and i thought hes just awkward so i said hi (with hand gesture and all). but he didnt say hi back. he just walked away. HE WALKED AWAY. HES GOT AWAY. after all that banter and flirting, he just walked away? no hi, no nothing. just that stupid smile. i made sure to make myself acknowledge his presence and this is how he returned it back? whats wrong with this guy. does he has girlfriend or something. does he has a girl in that proximity that might see us talking to each other? is he shy to talk to me infront of his friends? do i embarassed him?

again, i dont want to overthink this. but this is plain rude. whats wrong with him. why suddenly he treated me like we dont know each other. does he somehow find out i was stalking his moms fb? his sisters tiktok? his linkedin? again, i dont want to overthink this. i was just being friendly, like how we were in those friday classes. i dont regret saying hi to him, i dont regret smiling wide at him. but he must have gone through something. or he just simply dont really care about me outside the class. chuffing hell. am i just being delusional all this while? he didnt care about me at all.

my friends were hyping me up saying how cute the interaction was. but i just smiled and said "ew". but deep down, i hate it. i hate this interaction. why do you make this awkward. this is not the kyle i know. my close friend said maybe he was just shy. but why would you shy infront of me? TWICE. one time, i understand. but two time feels like hes avoiding me. he had made fun of me in class. i made it clear that i wasnt shy of you, so maybe you should reciprocate the same energy. 

i used to watch "sign he likes you" on tiktok for funsies, because i dont believe in that bullshit. one of the sign is if a guy likes you, he'll let you know. he will make it clear. he will always want to hold eye contact with you. he wont give you mixed signals. but now, kyle is giving me mixed signals. i know i should not assume anyrhing since we only talk during class hour, but its obvious he doesnt want anything to do with me. i dont want to overthink this, i dont want to overreact, but i think its over. whatever we had before, stays in the past. we'd be stranger again after this. i am never messaging him and asking him about flutter. i hope he overthinks today as much as i do. i hope he regret doing that and find a way to make up for this. i can plot our next meeting again. this faculty is not that big.

btw, he looked good. he wore a white shirt thats a little big on him. probably borrowed. and jeans. i know he had mock business negotiation for our cel, because he wont wear that if its not an option. he usually just wear the same dark blue tshirt and grey sweatpants. but today he dressed up for cel. my friend said hes handsome, which i secretly hundred percent agree. but i just said "you find him attractive because he has fair skin". but now my friends know. the kyle that has been bantering with me in mobile app class. the kyle that talked with me for an hour. the kyle that invited me to go to mixue. my friends seeing his face feels like an ego boost to me. like look at me, a mid looking woman can pull a handsome nerd. but thats only sounds good on paper. because look at this handsome nerd now, he didnt even acknowledge me :( and i have to let him go. for good.

bye.

goodbye my favorite boy

June 26th, 2026

seriously, i have never had a man so interested in me before. not until kyle. i have never had a man loving my vibe so much he wants to hangout with me. not even adam can me feel this way. 

we had online class today with kyle (my lab demo). before class, he made a poll if we should do online or physical class. me, obviously voted for physical. its our last class. i want to see his face one last time. the last time i see him was when we had our little conversation at my table on 12th june. it was imperfect but i like it. i like him. i stalked him to the core of the internet just to obtain his pictures. even those pictures are from years ago. from my memory of that day, he doesnt look like that. but hes still cute nevertheless.

i even convinced my group to vote for physical with excuse of "project discussion". its funny because theres nothing to be discussed about. we're 90% done. but of course, my needs should be prioritise. theyd never get it. unfortunately, physical class didnt make it. everyone prefer online more. but what even more shocking, kyle voted for physical class. lowkey i feel like he wants to see me but whatever. but its stupid coming from him. if he wants physical class, just do it. no need to do the poll. he has enough power to do that. IF YOU WANT TO SEE ME JUST SAY IT. i'd dropped anything just to meet you halfway.

anyway, we had our class this morning. when i joined the meet, he was talking to someone. and when he saw me joining, he stopped talking and said "wait damia just joined". and then proceed to talk to me instead! the other guy was cut off just like that lol. he asked about our progress and i told him. then he said about geolocation. he mentioned that we need to do that for our project, but it wasnt in the scope. so i asked him about it. and thats when we talked a lot. i think it was about a good 30 minutes. he was showing his screen asking chatgpt about geomap. and i just sit there replied to his questions. my friends are with me in my room while doing online class. so i cant talk much because theyre being noisy. and i cant joke around that much because my friends can hear how flirty i can be infront of a man when all the while im nonchalant with them.

so kyle was explaining about navigator screen in trx. theres this direction panel in trx where it can show you where you need to go. if youre at first floor and want to got to a particular store at another floor, the screen will show which way you need to go from there. like direction screen in malls. kyle was giving example in trx, but i didnt get it at that time. he said, youve been to trx right? if youre lost, you find direction using that screen. and i was like "i never get lost in trx. why would you get lost. its not that big". and he said "bodohla" BROO I MADE HIM CURSE IN MALAY. i dont know if he was laughing or not because i didnt hear him laughing. but the way he said it seems like he was annoyed. lol. i love ragebaiting him.

after that, i showed our app and thats when he realized we didnt have to do the geomap thingy. he was like "bro i was so dumb". love that hes self aware. since, yk he was so acah before. after i presented, he said, "okay damia you can go back to your hometown" (because i mentioned that i go back home every week to him before). and now he teased me about it. i said "shut up". and he asked if my sister picked me up. i replied yes.

he praised our app a lot. he kept saying damia's group doing a good job. that we might be the benchmark. and that we're almost done. he might give full mark, who knows. all that hardwork of me being gedik finally paid off.

it was another guy's turn to present. it was ashman. kyle was glazing him and called him ashman my goat. and then they were talking about how they went to mixue before. ashman said they should go to mixue together again. and kyle wanted to invite the whole class too (its only 7 of us inc. me). he was like lets all go to mixue and have our last class there. it sounds like a good idea, and i want to go so bad to see him. I MISS HIM. I MISS HIS FACE. i need to see it one last time. but i cant. i dont think my friend whos the same class with me want to go there. shes shy. and i dont want to go alone. i dont want to look desperate and needy infront of my friends. im already being a pick me by mentioning his name in a lot of my conversation with my friends. i cant help it, i cant stop thinking about him. i think about him before going to sleep and think about him again after waking up. he has bewitched me body and soul. its such a shame we wont be meeting each other again. because i really do believe we have connection somewhere.

so when kyle asked the class if they want to join, i said im going home. and he was like "damia, youre actually suck for this". lol he was already flabbergasted when i said im going home every week. and now he tried to tease me about it. and he sounds dissapointed that i cant join them. like just say you want to have me around bro! dont be too obvious that you are devestated that i cant join your hangout. i found it cute that he wants to include me too. this is a little delusional, but deep down i know when he asked the whole class, he meant me. he wants to invite me. only me and ashman interact with him in that class and everyone else never open their mic the entire class, so its pretty obvious. but i said im going home :( the plot twist is im not going home actually, i need to finish my project. but im just shy like that. i only want to go out with him alone, not thirwheeled by ashman. if i actually dont give a damn about peoples opinion, i would have joined them. i could see his face one last time. and probably take some pictures with him too, for me to keep. 

i replied back "fuck off bro". its a bit harsh, but he can take a joke. i heard him laughing, or maybe that was ashman. or both. but it was reasonable answer. he was teasing me a lot in class. maybe as a revenge of me always ragebaiting him. and at the end of the class, he was mentioning soemthing. i gave him thumbs up. and he was like "damia, just go home bruh" hahahahha just said youre sad that this is our last class and we cant meet again. JUST SAY IT. he teased me a lot about going home every week. idk why.

thats the end of it i guess. i said thank you and he said thank you back. the class is dismissed. i know i dont feel it now, but i will miss him soooo bad during semester break. given that i only have pictures of him from years ago, im gonna be bored of those. i need to see him badly. i need to talk more about his twin and his moms candle business. 

like i said, i have never had a guy so interested in me before. so excited to talk to me. teased me a lot. hes the only one. not even adam makes me feel like this. i literally walk passed adam a couple days ago, and i felt nothing. maybe i finally realize that adam just being nice to everyone. just because hes interested in my camera and my pictures and laughed at my lame jokes, doesnt mean he has feelings for me. i take back everything i said about him. and he probably has a girlfriend too. 

with kyle, its real. i dont have to be delusional. he really wants to get to know me and everything i do. he wants to be friends with me. he wants to invite me to a hangout. but im too chicken for that. i know personality wise, adam would have match my preference. because hes smart and kind and has his own charm. but kyle is different. i love that i dont feel like i need to compete with him. even though his experience would look longer in his resume than mine, but i dont feel like competing with him like adam somehow. kyle just so ahead of me its impossible to be on his level. or maybe hes just on my level, but different kind. kyle enjoys walking, doesnt like spending money on grab, doesnt make me feel small (hes still need to improve this). but at least he seems to enjoy my company. we could have a date in mamak for all i care. 

i know we're living in capitalistic world where men need money to actually be decent boyfriend, but i dont care lowkey. we're students, we're just starting to build lives, we supposed to struggle a bit financially at this phase of life. i dont care if me and kyle date in mixue, i dont care if we're too cheap for grab that we'd rather walk instead, i dont care if we share screen to watch f1 on sooka. i hate when we have to spend unncessary money on something that can easily be done. like for example, my friends like to order mixue on grab because they dont want to get out of the room. i dont know why i feel like that is too much for me. eventhough its grab, but thats such a waste. its not that far to walk, the mixue is inside the campus. thats why i said i would enjoy walking with kyle because i know hes like me. he would rather walk than giving money to that greedy zionist company. 

and moreover, even if i think theres some characteristic traits i dont like about him, but its not like we can get married anyway. so if we break up because i had too much of him, i dont think i will be that devestated. we are not meant to be together forever anyway. but this is the topic for future me to worry about. right now let me drown in my own delusion. 

my friends did ask me if i like kyle. i want to scream at them "FUCK YES IM IN LOVE WITH NATE JACOBS AND HES IN LOVE WITH ME!" but instead i just said ew no hes a loser and a nerd. 

so goodbye to my favorite nerd. you're gonna be the benchmark of every guy that will walk into my life after this. you're gonna be remembered always. i hope we can meet again in the future. if not, i will plot our next meeting.

xoxo

am i male-centered

June 20th, 2026

what is wrong with me. i cant stop thinking about him

this is a serious case of obsession. i would pick up where i left off and stalked him even more. i would screenshot or screenrecord any media that has his face shown, even if its unclear. i would post them on my private tiktok and add taylor swift sounds over that video. i would go to sleep thinking about him and wake up the next morning thinking of the same face again. its like as if my brain just continue my thoughts from last night. 

its been a week since our interaction last friday and i cant help myself. i need to see his face again. everytime i had conversation with my friend, i'll try to manouver the topic to be about HIM. i desperately need to share to someone what are we talking about. because i cannot keep it to myself. people need to hear it. people need to know that he laughed at my jokes. he said take care to me. he put his feet on the bar of my chair. he shared his hardship with me. he waited for me to come back from the bathroom. 

i want to spill whatever we talk about until im tired and bored and come back to my senses and realize its not that special. just a conversation between two people. 

i hate liking people with no social media presence because i dont even has picture of him. the only pictures i have of him are blurry pixels screenshotted from his sister's tiktok videos. i also obtained some videos of him back in 2023 posted on his mom's small business' customer's ig reels. it was heavily filtered but whatever. at least i get to see his beautiful face and his biceps. its weird because when we talked last week, i didnt find him that attractive. he looks tired and his hair got over his face. but in the video, he looks absolutely stunning. i cant even believe that was him. but thank you very much to that customer, because i now have more of his face i can admire every night. at least its clearer than the screenshots i took from his sister's tiktok.

after kyle happened, i just feel like talk about him to anyone. to my upm friends, my school friends, my family. just so they know its real. i talked to a guy and he laughed at my jokes. im not being delusional. i feel like bringing him up in every conversation i had with my friends. i cant help myself. i need to talk about him. i feel like that male-centered women that people always discuss about. yk those woman who only wants to talk about their boyfriends, always want to mention how every guy likes her. im afraid i act like that with my friends. but to be fair, my friends ship me with him first. my friends bring him up in conversation first. so i dont think im that bad?

its critical. i have never been like this with adam. or wait, maybe i have. I HATE MYSELF OMG. thats why i hate when i like someone. i dissect every interaction and i need to share it with somebody. sazu is not responding to my messages. i think she also got sick of me and my crushes. so i JUST NEED SOMEONE i can talk to. thankfully i have this blog. i can be male-centered in peace. without the pressure of feminism to worry about.

we had class with kyle just now. he said my name a lot. he was like "does anyone has questions? damia or other group can ask question if you want". like damn bro. dont mention us like that im shy. but seriously im scared of him. scared that im too dumb for him. that i will never reach his level and he must have think im that person who uses ai to code. he must have judged me a lot and reconsider to like me because im everything hes against. i know i shouldnt have to worry about that because thats not my problem, but deep down i want to be admired. i want someone to look up to me and think im smart. for once. i feel like a loser everytime i like someone. i hate that i have a type for smart guy and then feel like im competing with them. and i feel like im not smart enough to be with them.

i hope whatever im feeling right now stops. i dont want this to get into the way of my projects.

until next time, bye.

is it anti feminist to miss a man that had mansplained to you?

June 16th, 2026

i miss kyle. given how he treated me sometimes, i shouldnt be saying this. as someone who frown upon men on the daily, this is pathetic. do i like him or do i like the idea of us together? definitely the latter. 

hes so handsome i can imagine my friends and family praising me for pulling a soemone like him. i can hear my parents went "maybe she isnt a loser as we thought". my ego will skyrocket right then and there. like i will forever chasing this high knowing i can pull a guy whos actually my type. i know i have high standards and type, maybe thats why im always so insecure with myself. because at the same time im crushing on them, i also felt jealous of them. like "wow, you're really living my dream that i can never ever live". 

its not a surprise that my type is someone i have potential to become, but cant because of laziness. maybe this is why im so jealous of adam, i cant even have the same class as him. thank god we will be in many different classes next sem, so i dont have to feel like im not doing enough all the time. maybe because when i like someone, its because i see myself in them. i see how they are like me, but in different font. so when they are actually better than me, i cant stand it. how can we share the same interest, but you're better than me? why cant i be the best at what im doing. i acknowledge how im so insecure and toxic and jealous of everyone better than me. thats why im trying to stay away from things that can only make me the worst version of myself. i skipped the ig stories of my friends in germany, i skipped adam's stories, i skipped any stories that i think can hurt my ego. i just hate that theres not much self improvement from myself after getting out of a-level. im still the same old lazy me. i cant do shit because im so insecure and at the same time im not worried that im so behind. i hate myself. why cant i change. 

classic me, going off track and cant stick to one topic. anyway, this is about my cute lab demo. i can imagine us together in the future watching f1 from grandstand in spain. us booking the same hotel but seperate rooms because im not that kind of girl. me taking his picture with my sony and instax. him waiting for me getting ready infront of my hotel door. us sitting next to each other in the flight to spain. him inviting me to his family christmas dinner. me inviting him to my sister's wedding and having my relatives giving me the look. us avoiding the marriage topic because it will kill everything we have. us crying in living room discussing whats next for our future. us breaking up on the front step of my door. him leaving my house crying. 

the way that i can imagine us being together all the while knowing we will never have a future together. we know we're doomed from the start, but somehow we cant help it. the love is greater than the force that pulling us apart or wtv they said.

its funny how i already curate the future for both us when we only deep talked once. but i can feel real connection and spark when we talk. (or maybe hes just cute so everything seems so magical on my pov). we talked about a lot of things. there are moments where i got annoyed because his voice is just too slow i cant hear shit. and there are moments where i think he has cute laugh. i know im being delusional, that he probably talks with everyone like that too. that im not that special. but i never had a guy so comfortable with me before. that really wants to talk to me. its such a relief to know that my social skill is not that bad and i dont scare off men with my awkwardness and limited hearing. 

i literally went to the bathroom mid conversation because i dont know what else to say and spent like good 10 minutes in there fixing my hijab and berak and hoping he would go away. because im scared. im scared that my social battery is running out and i would return back to my awkward self. but when i returned back, here was him. waiting for me. my friend said he was quietly sitting there waiting for me to come back. he made eye contact with me when i was entering the room (while i was looking whether he had left or not). and he looked tired and sleepy so i jokingly said to him go to sleep bro. he was making sleepy sound and then looked at me and said "do my face look tired?" at that moment i wanted to scream. why are you asking me to look at your face? damn it this is the closest thing i got of a boy flirting with me. i dont know if its flirting or its just his personality, but i like it. i replied back saying a little, becuase you got eyebags. i dont know it its a good response, but it better than saying "NO YOU LOOK PERFECT".

anyway, i made a joke before i left. i sarcastically said "thank you i learned a lot today" (we didnt learn anything. he was sitting next to me the entire class). he let out the cutest laugh and kinda hides his face. AND AND he said take care. it was very slow, barely audible BUT I HEARD IT. i dont remember what i replied. i think i just laughed it off because im awkward like that. but yes, a guy said take care to me. does this count as flirting? 

its almost a week since that happened and i miss his face. i feel like i want everyone knows about our 1 hour interaction. i told sazu about it because she always supportive about all my crushes. she also likes to feed my delusion so i lover her. i want to share it to my upm friends as well, but i cant. i told them i hate him beofre. i told them i dont find him cute. but they still ship me with him lol. i like it, yes, but i have massive ego. i dont like saying they are right. that he is kinda cute and i like him and what we had is cute. i just told them im uncomfortable (not really).

i already write it down in my journal about this where i disect everything we talked about, already made a private tiktok where i post his face, already told my upm friend about our conversation. but somehow, its still not enough. i want to tell everyone about him. show them his beautiful face. i want to tell God about him, about how i want God to always make him feel loved even if hes from different religion.

i hate that i cant focus on my work because our interactions keep playing at the background of my brain. the way he laughs and the way he said take care. the way he would explained things i dont know. but the problem is, i can somehow slightly recognized from his tone that he was mansplaining some stuff to me. i have many experience with guy like that. im just hoping he is not like that. maybe its just my jealousy that i think hes mansplaining. maybe hes just genuinely wants me to know stuff. but im so insecure i feel like the world calls me dumb. 

but hes alright i guess. its good to know a man interested to talk to me, given how im quiet and not that attractive. my humour is all i have. 

until next time, xoxo.

ruin the friendship - t swift