am i male-centered

June 20th, 2026

what is wrong with me. i cant stop thinking about him

this is a serious case of obsession. i would pick up where i left off and stalked him even more. i would screenshot or screenrecord any media that has his face shown, even is its unclear. i would post them on my private tiktok and add taylor swift sounds over that video. i would go to sleep thinking about him and wake up the next morning thinking of the same face again. its like as if my brain just continue my thoughts from last night. 

its been a week since our interaction last friday and i cant help myself. i need to see his face again. everytime i had conversation with my friend, i'll try to manouver the topic to be about HIM. i desperately need to share to someone what are we talk about. because i cannot keep it to myself. people need to hear it. people need to know that he laughed at my jokes. he said take care to me. he put his feet on the bar of my chair. he shared his hardship with me. he waited for me to come back from the bathroom. 

i want to spill whatever we talk about until im tired and bored and come back to my senses and realize its not that special. just a conversation between two people. 

i hate liking people with no social media presence because i dont even has picture. the only pictures i have of him are blurry pixels screenshotted from his sister's tiktok videos. i also obtained some videos of him back in 2023 posted on his mom's small business' customer's ig reels. it was heavily filtered but whatever. at least i get to see his beautiful face and his biceps. its weird becuase when we talked last week, i didnt find him that attractive. he looks tired and his hair got over his face. but in the video from the video, he looks absolutely stunning. i cant even believe that was him. but thank you very much to that customer, because i now have more of his face i can admire every night. at least its cleared than the screenshots i took from his sister's tiktok.

after kyle happened, i just feel like talk about him to anyone. to my upm friends, my school friends, my family. just so they now its real. i talked to a guy and he laughed at my jokes. im not being delusional. i feel like bringing him up in every conversation i had with my friends. i cant help myself. i need to talk about him. i feel like that male-centered women that people alays discuss about. yk those woman who only wants to talk about their boyfriends, always want to mention how every guy likes her. im afraid i act like that with my friends. but to be fair, my friends ship me with him first. my friends bring him up in conversation first. so i dont think im that bad?

its critical. i have never been like this with adam. or wait, maybe i have. I HATE MYSELF OMG. thats why i hate when im like someone. i disect every interactions and i need to share it with somebody. sazu is not responding to my message. i think she also got sick of me and my crushes. so i JUST NEED SOMEONE i can talk to. thankfully i have this blog. i can be male-centered in peace. without the pressure of feminism to worry about.

we had class with kyle just now. he said my a lot. he was like "does anyone has questions? damia or other group can ask question if you want". like damn bro. dont mention us like that im shy. but seriously im scared of him. scared that im too dumb for him. that i will never reach his level and he must have think im that person who uses ai too code. he must have judge me a lot and reconsider to like me becuase im everything hes against. i know i shouldnt have to worry because thats not my prblem, but deep down i want to be admired. i want someone to look up to me and think im smart. for once. i feel like a loser everytime i like someone. i hate that i have a type for smart guy and then feel like im competing with them. and i feel like im not smart enough to be with them.

i hope whatever im feeling right now stops. i dont want this to get into the way of my projects.

until next time, bye.

is it anti feminist to miss a man that had mansplained to you?

June 16th, 2026

i miss kyle. given how he treated me sometimes, i shouldnt be saying this. as someone who frown upon men on the daily, this is pathetic. do i like him or do i like the idea of us together? definitely the latter. 

hes so handsome i can imagine my friends and family praising me for pulling a soemone like him. i can hear my parents went "maybe she isnt a loser as we thought". my ego will skyrocket right then and there. like i will forever chasing this high knowing i can pull a guy whos actually my type. i know i have high standards and type, maybe thats why im always so insecure with myself. because at the same time im crushing on them, i also felt jealous of them. like "wow, you're really living my dream that i can never ever live". 

its not a surprise that my type is someone i have potential to become, but cant because of laziness. maybe this is why im so jealous of adam, i cant even have the same class as him. thank god we will be in many different classes next sem, so i dont have to feel like im not doing enough all the time. maybe because when i like someone, its because i see myself in them. i see how they are like me, but in different font. so when they are actually better than me, i cant stand it. how can we share the same interest, but you're better than me? why cant i be the best at what im doing. i acknowledge how im so insecure and toxic and jealous of everyone better than me. thats why im trying to stay away from things that can only make me the worst version of myself. i skipped the ig stories of my friends in germany, i skipped adam's stories, i skipped any stories that i think can hurt my ego. i just hate that theres not much self improvement from myself after getting out of a-level. im still the same old lazy me. i cant do shit because im so insecure and at the same time im not worried that im so behind. i hate myself. why cant i change. 

classic me, going off track and cant stick to one topic. anyway, this is about my cute lab demo. i can imagine us together in the future watching f1 from grandstand in spain. us booking the same hotel but seperate rooms because im not that kind of girl. me taking his picture with my sony and instax. him waiting for me getting ready infront of my hotel door. us sitting next to each other in the flight to spain. him inviting me to his family christmas dinner. me inviting him to my sister's wedding and having my relatives giving me the look. us avoiding the marriage topic because it will kill everything we have. us crying in living room discussing whats next for our future. us breaking up on the front step of my door. him leaving my house crying. 

the way that i can imagine us being together all the while knowing we will never have a future together. we know we're doomed from the start, but somehow we cant help it. the love is greater than the force that pulling us apart or wtv they said.

its funny how i already curate the future for both us when we only deep talked once. but i can feel real connection and spark when we talk. (or maybe hes just cute so everything seems so magical on my pov). we talked about a lot of things. there are moments where i got annoyed because his voice is just too slow i cant hear shit. and there are moments where i think he has cute laugh. i know im being delusional, that he probably talks with everyone like that too. that im not that special. but i never had a guy so comfortable with me before. that really wants to talk to me. its such a relief to know that my social skill is not that bad and i dont scare off men with my awkwardness and limited hearing. 

i literally went to the bathroom mid conversation because i dont know what else to say and spent like good 10 minutes in there fixing my hijab and berak and hoping he would go away. because im scared. im scared that my social battery is running out and i would return back to my awkward self. but when i returned back, here was him. waiting for me. my friend said he was quietly sitting there waiting for me to come back. he made eye contact with me when i was entering the room (while i was looking whether he had left or not). and he looked tired and sleepy so i jokingly said to him go to sleep bro. he was making sleepy sound and then looked at me and said "do my face look tired?" at that moment i wanted to scream. why are you asking me to look at your face? damn it this is the closest thing i got of a boy flirting with me. i dont know if its flirting or its just his personality, but i like it. i replied back saying a little, becuase you got eyebags. i dont know it its a good response, but it better than saying "NO YOU LOOK PERFECT".

anyway, i made a joke before i left. i sarcastically said "thank you i learned a lot today" (we didnt learn anything. he was sitting next to me the entire class). he let out the cutest laugh and kinda hides his face. AND AND he said take care. it was very slow, barely audible BUT I HEARD IT. i dont remember what i replied. i think i just laughed it off because im awkward like that. but yes, a guy said take care to me. does this count as flirting? 

its almost a week since that happened and i miss his face. i feel like i want everyone knows about our 1 hour interaction. i told sazu about it because she always supportive about all my crushes. she also likes to feed my delusion so i lover her. i want to share it to my upm friends as well, but i cant. i told them i hate him beofre. i told them i dont find him cute. but they still ship me with him lol. i like it, yes, but i have massive ego. i dont like saying they are right. that he is kinda cute and i like him and what we had is cute. i just told them im uncomfortable (not really).

i already write it down in my journal about this where i disect everything we talked about, already made a private tiktok where i post his face, already told my upm friend about our conversation. but somehow, its still not enough. i want to tell everyone about him. show them his beautiful face. i want to tell God about him, about how i want God to always make him feel loved even if hes from different religion.

i hate that i cant focus on my work because our interactions keep playing at the background of my brain. the way he laughs and the way he said take care. the way he would explained things i dont know. but the problem is, i can somehow slightly recognized from his tone that he was mansplaining some stuff to me. i have many experience with guy like that. im just hoping he is not like that. maybe its just my jealousy that i think hes mansplaining. maybe hes just genuinely wants me to know stuff. but im so insecure i feel like the world calls me dumb. 

but hes alright i guess. its good to know a man interested to talk to me, given how im quiet and not that attractive. my humour is all i have. 

until next time, xoxo.

ruin the friendship - t swift