sepang im coming

Aug 16th, 2026

i caved and bought the tickets.

3 tickets to bahrain gp in sepang. i took a selfie before making this decision, to ensure that im confident that this will make me happy and fulfilled. i planned out ways to save money for the aftermath. maybe i'll forced myself to starve, like i always do. 

the day before, milo asked me if im going. at the time, i already let all the hopes go. i was confident all the tickets have sold out, and even if theyre not, i cant afford rm800 for a hillstand view. thats too much. theres no rooftop, it will be burning hot, and i have to go there early if i want a spot with nice view. like i said, i dont think i'll pay 800 for that experience. so i replied to milo that im not sure about going. because the ticket sold 3-day. i told her i just want 1-day pass for the race day. which, also the truth. i dont think i have the energy to experience the same shit for 3 days straight. and maybe because i had given up, i already think of what im gonna do with the unspent money. maybe splurge on 5sos concert outfit, or buy billy when my parents arent looking. or even better, buy the new alexandra brackens book thats coming out next week. it will have spray edges they said. 

so of course, i already buried the idea of going to f1. then, the night before, i discussed with deni and pia whether they want to go to f1, even if the only tickets left are 800 and above. they said they want to go. i was a bit shocked that they still want to go with it. especially pia, since i dont think she have that much savings to splurge on f1. she said if im not going, she still wants to go with deni. i dont want to be left out of course, so i agree. it was a hard decision to make, but whatever. money can come and go. and having eating disorder actually helps my situation. i know i swore to never be like those ed girls on twitter, but i dont think im extreme as them. thats why i dont think im that bad. im just gonna do omad or whatever. i already planned to walk 40 minutes when im in upm on new sem later. i think my college is going to be very far from civilazation and i will be at the faculty that is even beyond far than most population. so thats a great oppurtunity for me to brisk walk and get super skinny with strong legs. and plus not eating, just call me ariana grande already.

im not ed, of course. i still do snacking once in a while, but i feel that this is the only time i will exercise and do brisk walk. after this, after graduation, i dont think i will be walking around that much. and my weight will inflate because i will just seat on my desk 24/7. my muscle will be gone. so this is the only opportunity to do all that before i enter working life. maintaining my weight would be difficult, so i think its easier if i lose a lot of weight now, and gain a bit when im working later.

anyway, i bought the f1 ticket this morning. used papas credit card, told my parents about it. told milo about it. she said how im going to go there etc. i said im going with my sisters from seremban. she said shes asking to people on reddit about who wants to carpool with her in kl. so basically, shes going with strangers she met on reddit. she also said theyre mostly foreigners. i was like what? you just trust them like that? i mean, shes extorverted, she likes to speak with everyone, and shes knows with kyle btw. so i undestand how she operates. but following strangers tho? idk. shes brave, thats all i have to say. i mean its a good experience i guess. i want to ask her whether shes going with friends (especially #him), but it seems like shes going there alone with strangers on reddit. either him and her are not that close, or he just didnt go. i hope he'll be there. imagine spending rm800 and the person you truly want to be there is not there. 

i told my dad he doesnt have to give me allowance on spetember. im ready to risk it all. im ready to starve myself in upm. i will, unfortunately, tell my parents about my situation as well. so when they hear my sob story, they will give me more money. they already worry about me not eating, worry about me wearing kids clothes, and i think they know how i always on the weight scale in their bedroom. because apparently that scale is connected to an app. i dont know if they actually use the app, but if they do, they will definitely know im weighting myself everyday and know what my weight is. i have since stop coming to their room to scale myself. even though i have the urge to do so, i have to restrain myself. i dont want them to worry about me. i know what im doing.

daydreaming

Aug 15th, 2026

like i said in my previous post, i supposed to go to ikea today. i supposed to buy a billy bookshelf for my room. the night before, i cleaned my wall from tack-it and moved all posters so i can make room for my new bookshelf that i supposed to have it today. but of course my dad has other plan. 

at 9.23 am today, my mom messaged to the group. she said my dad said no need to buy the bookshelf yet. my dad wanted me to buy the bookshelf with him together, because allegedly he wants to buy other stuff too in ikea. the thing is, hes been saying this since last year. hes been saying that he wants to buy me a billy and buy more billys for the family area. but here we are. still no billy. he keeps saying the same thing over and over, making the same promises, and im tired to hear about it. i need my billy neow. okay maybe not now, but i need it soon enough. because i know i will buy more books and my bookshelf cant take any more book. its already packed like sardine. but knowing my dad, soon will be another year, and i will have to beg for him to keep his promises. 

the thing is, im not using his own money. i already plan to use mine, using spaylater and utilize some vouchers as well. but im broke, so it would be nice to use his money instead. but thats the hard pill i have to swallow. i have to beg and wait and beg again and wait, until hes had enough of it. 

so i obey and wait.

besides the billy thing, im also a little bit frustrated of not going to ikea today. because, if you already know me, you know i already created a scenario where, yes, #he would be there. like come on. im in my process of forgetting him, but at the same time i still want to see his face. i still create scenarios where we would accidentally bump into each other. none of these scenarios have come alive yet, but its nothing wrong to hope that they will. i guess seeing him in ikea would be fun. i imagined he would see me in the middle of buying my billy and he would come up to me and said "damia?" and we would chit chat a bit and we would talk about f1 in sepang and complain about how ridiculous the price is. just like the old days (two months ago).

its not a surprise i made a little scenario where i bump into him at everywhere i go, because its fun. i can practice my stoic face and acting like i didnt just fantasize about us meeting in the most random place like this. too bad we didnt go to ikea today, like i was hoping for. maybe we can try nu empire next.

talking about nu empire, i just realized ive went there before. the mall used to be called empire shopping gallery. i know about that mall because when i lived in rawang, whenever my parents want to go somewhere in selangor, they would use the highway besides that mall. so i knew that mall. it used to have a fire accident in one of the shops there, so when i passed the mall, i would see some part of it had charred structure because it got engulfed in fire. the famous wicked wardrobe also used to have store there, so thats how i know about the mall. i once begged to my mom to go, but she never let me. 

but the mall is not just a childhood memory. during my alevel years, ive once initiated a hangout with sazu and deni at subang parade (odd choice to hangout, considering how old this mall is. i know. my parents made fun of me later on because i went to a mall nobody went to anymore). but anyway, we met there and i finally realize how old every shop in this mall was. its like going to third floor of berjaya tiems square. every shop is either bundle or indie shop you never heard of. there are some frenchise like mcd and kfc but everything else was mid. nothing much to do, and i did regret not doing any thorough research about this mall. i chosed subang parade because its near to sazu and me. 

so being dissapointed about the mall, me and deni found another mall beside subang parade that is much more modern and less lame. its just walking distance and we also asked sazu to go there instead. i remember the mall is much more fun than subang parade. its more of a mall than subang parade. the shops are more modern and there are more variety in cafes and restaurants. i remember we ate there instead. and i also ordered grab to intec alone because i had exam at 4pm. i dont even know the name of the mall, i just remember that its better than subang parade. i had the urged to check google maps a few days ago and that mall turns out to be nu empire. haha. you know, he said he worked there after spm, which was somewhere in 2022. my hangout was in 2022. there is a higher chance we might be at the same place at the same time as each other and never know. red string theory or wtv they said.

anyway, me and my sisters went to ayam gepuk shop near my house for lunch. while waiting, pia asked me to teman her to jnt across the shop to drop a parcel. we entered the jnt store, and guess what. i met kyle. just kidding, but i met someone who resembled him. this jnt staff who was helping customer at the counter looked so much like kyle its uncanny. i literally thought it was him at first. i was like, why is kyle doing part time in sendayan? but seriously, the staff looked so much like him. down to the eyebrows, the haircut, the lips, the skinny jeans. he IS a copy of him. i thought its just my brain daydreaming in the middle of this jnt store, but no. he really looked like him, just a bit tanner. i kept glancing at him many times to make sure its not kyle. maybe this is just universe trying to bully me for having my hopes up, since i fantasized about bumping into him the day before. 

maybe this a sign or something, but sadly i dont believe in that. 

btw, im still considering to buy that f1 ticket. the rm200 ticket already sold out. my only option is the rm800 ones. deni and pia agree to go. they have money, they dont have problem with that. i have money too, but i have problem with that. if i go to f1, then there goes my savings. im actively reading again, so i think about every spending in book currency. rm800? i could buy 12 books in kino with that. rm300 for bookshelf? i could buy 5 books in popular. nothing is worth more than books right now. 800 is too much. i can literally buy abrand new kobo with that money. i dont think i love f1 more than i love books. like i said, i already lose hope to watch f1. sitting on the grass under blazing sun, with expensive food, and theres higher percentage of rainstorm and traffic jams, and shitty toilet and surau. tell me if that experience is worth 800 ringgit.

now the only reason i want to go is i might or might not get to see #him. which not really a strong reason to spend my rm800, considering how he might not be there or we sat at different hillstand.

and the dilemma continues.

project hail mary, pakar, starling house

Aug 9th, 2026

this is it. my first 5 star book of the year (wait actually its the second). 

i finished PHM on 5th aug. it was so good. i literally dont know what to say. funny because when i was in the middle of reading this book, i had so much to say. in my head, i planned what will i say in my review, structure by structure, word by word. but when i finished it, i was left speechless. dumbfounded. astounded. the following rant contains spoilers, if you dont mind.

first off, its actually a difficult book, contrary to what eveyone says. its a scifi, and the reason i bought it was because people said its an easy read. even though its scifi, the author expalain everything clear and well, like the readers are 5 years olds. thats what they said. after reading this book, i gotta say i slightly disagree with that statement. its not explained like the readers are 5, but more like if the readers had taken physics and chemistry in highschool before. so this book definitely for those who never take science or never associated themselves with highschool science stream. which is fair, because science stream is not for everyone. the way the science here is explained in basic manners, which i can follow through. even though i barely recall physics and chemistry from 5 years ago, but i still understand what the MC, Grace, trying to do. i understand the experiement hes doing, the apparatus and machines hes using, the outcome of the experiment etc. i like the way the author explain it and what the experiment will do, because its easier for me to follow through. but still, i wont recommend this book to people who never learn physcis or chemistry. it will only confuse them more and eventually lead to reading slump.

second, its funny. there are some jokes that didnt land, because its giving millennial humor, but most jokes are funny. especially the inner monologue of the main character. i like the way he remains calm and content on the outside but unleashes chaotic energy inside. i also find rocky funny as well. i like their interaction. rocky always makes fun of grace for being stupid human. its so wholesome

thirdly, i love the character, especially rocky. hes just so smart so quick so sassy so cute. to the point i want to pet him. but i know its just weird to treat him like animal when hes like a grown up dude in his own planet. there are some part i think that doenst make sense because rocky basically can do everything with limited supplies they have on the spaceship. he literally build everything grace told him to do without a guide. but because its fiction, so i guess anything can fly. grace also is not bad of a character. i think hes well written and just very patient with everything. even when i read that book, i always feel like "wow this guy is so patient. i could never". especially the part when he runs experiements on taumoeba. he was silmutaneously run like several experiements at once and didnt sleep for days. and then the taumoebas escape and eat all the fuel from the spaceship and he has to go and clean it. then the taumoeba leaks for the seocnd time. like omg. even when reading them i feel so tired already. i dont know how he got patience to deal with all of that. the entire book is just a ride of why its impossible to conduct scientific experiments on the space. theres so many things you need to take into account, especially the gravity. liek i said, even by reading it and not physically experience all of this sounds so exhausting. maybe thats why it took me a while to finish this because its just so draining. one problem after another. but at least its entertaining enough, especially rocky.

lastly, the ending is perfect. i saw some people complain how they dont like the ending because its not what they expect, but i love it. i love how he still gets to reunited with rocky and grows old together. i was said when rocky was unconcious at thd middle of the book. i thought he was dead. his character is the best part so when hes temporarily dead, i feel empty. same as at the end when they have to go separate ways because they finally find the cure theyre looking for. it was sad, i thought theyd never meet each other again, since they are from different planet with different living condition theres no way they got to contact each other. it was pretty sad when they had to say their goodbye. i feel so empty after rocky left the ship, same as grace. hes just alone in outer space with no friends. when hes explaining ways on how he gonna return to earth with limited food supply, i wonder how he can pull it off. if he went into comas, then whos gonna control the ship when they finally reach earths atmosphere. i was a bit skeptical of the people that handle this project, because they dont have a backup plan in case if anything happen to the project hail mary crew. like they really depend the lives of earth people fully on the three crews. and then boom, two of them died before they even reach the destination. and what if grace failed then what? why cant there be other a backup plan. 

anyways, i love the ending. as long as rocky is there. i feel bad for rocky becuase of taumoeba destroyed his only chance to save his own people. but thank god grace comes to the rescue. and then they offto rockys planet where rockys people take care of him until he grows old. its a good ending, i never thought of that. i thought he would abandoned rocky, since rockys planet got many more years before the astrophage affecting them. theyre not in critical position, so they can send another rocky to solve it. and i also almost thought after grace saves rocky, they gonna go wander around the tau ceti system and beyond until they run out of food supply and die there, abandoning their people back home. becasue theyre already been put on stressful position and in the end they might question themselves, "is it even worth it?". saving the entire humanity? and the earth only send three people? i would just kill myself after i wake up from coma, if i were grace. but the ending is good, id never think of it that way.

so thats all my summary of project hail mary. its a fun read, but i do not recommend for easy read. you need to use brainpower if you want to understand truly whats going on. but i love it. i can tell the author put a lot of research and thoughts into this book. easy 5 stars.

i also read other book this week. here are some of them:

pakar by nadia khan

bought this boook solely because of nostalgia. ive read this book back then when my family moved to penang and i was in boarding school. my parents would come all the way from penang for our pulang bermalam and we would stay at my old rawang house. theres nothing much to do in thta house since every stuff had already moved to penang. the only entertainment i had were this book and dherbs advertisement. ive read that dherbs ads many time i can basically recall whats the content. they sell boob enlarging pills, skin whitening products and some other sketchy products. so pakar is the second best entertainment in that house.

even though ive read it, i already forgot whats it about, because it was so very long time ago. so when i saw fixi sold this book for rm10 on pbakl this year, i quickly bought it. its cheap nad its nadia khan. so why not. i read it for like 2 days. first day was after finishing PHM, and second day was the morning after that. and then i continued with starling house. 

pakar is a quick easy read (literally can be finished in one sitting if youre free enough). it has two stories inside. one is a girl whos asking for the help of cari jodoh agency to get a man whos already in relationship. it has multiple pov of the characters that involve in this. the MC, the man shes stealing, the gf on the man, the two agents of the agency that help the MC to steal the guy, and others. the mc tries to flirt with the guy, one of the agents (guy) try to gain info from the guys gf but at the same time secretly likes her, the other agent (woman) gets jealous because she had like the guy agent for so long. the gf actually realizes her bf is walking redflag. the mc also realizes the guy is also a redflag. the guy agent lose both girls. in the end, nobody gets anybody. win-win?

another story is about two psychologists that has psychology clinic. sandra and max. sandra's patient said he wants to kill his wife because shes hot headed. maxs patient said she saw her husband around the house even though her husband already dead. turns out hes not dead, she just hallucinates that hes dead. max and sandra go off and investigate on sandras patient, in case he actually kills his wife. they hire other people to find information about the patient. they believe all the info is true and go investigate the guy at his house. turns out, there is no wife. the guy has schizo and hallucinates he has a wife. and the people they hire for information? they also have schizo and the info they gave are not true. 

the book is okay i guess, the writing is very early 2010s twitter coded. read it only for nostalgia, so i dont have any expectation. i didnt even give star ratings because i dont have a standard for this kind of book. for me, the second story is a bit weaker than the first one. but everything okay i guess. i picked it up just to reduce my mountains of tbr.

starling house by alix e. harlow

my first book by ms harlow, and definitely not the last. i love the writing, however draggy it sounds. i kinda agree with some reviewers saying theres too many purple prose, but i can understand all of them. theyre easy to understand and kinda funny too. kinda remind me of alexandra bracken in a way. i like writing thats easy to understand even how complicated it is. 

if its not for the writing, the book itself can be quite boring. but because opal is witty and funny, so its not that boring. i just dont like how to author always repeat how ugly arthur starling is. how terrible opals smile is. like okay, i know shes trying to avoid that 6'4 morally grey ridicolously handsome mmc, but come on. he was referred as ugly like 10 times in this book. as much as i hate when the author mention how big a guys is, i also hate whatever this is. like okay, i get it. hes uggo. maybe thats also why arthur doesnt stick out to me. because hes ugly. in my head, i imagine him looks like josh duhamel. but because the author keeps mentioning how ugly he is, my imagination got disturbed.

opal is also not bad of a character. maybe i dont like how shes so mad all the time and how she likes picking fight with her landlord. but i like how she just doesnt give a damn about her reputation in that town. she shoplifts and got caught, but still do it again. she would do anything for her little brother. maybe my judgement agaisnt her is how she likes to assume things. like how she assume her brother would want to go to all-white private school and she goes ahead paying full for his first semester without telling him about it. arthur also sponsored to pay the rest of the semesters. and in the end, her brother didnt even want to go there and the money just wasted like that. how can you say you love your brother and would do anything for him but cant communicate properly with him about his goals and dreams? sounds like you dont love him enough. 

anyway, this book also reminds me of the hazel wood by melissa albert. it also about a young woman who wants to go to a mystery house. even the ending of both MCs going into this fantasy world is almost similar. but starling house did it better, because unlike the hazel wood, it doesnt drag too much. ending is okay-ish. she met with eleanor starling and fix things with her and live in that fantasy world with arthur for god knows how long. in the end, they open the starling house to their friends and family. 

i had a good time reading this, even abandoned my fyp so i can finish this book. but thinking back, its not all that. the only thing that drives me to keep reading is the uncovered mystery and the writing. but i definitely wont read it for the second time because i already know what happened. but its stilll good writing tho. i will definitely checkout other alix e. harlows book. i like her wits.

thats all for the book i read this week. its definitely a good reading week. its just not that enjoyable because i keep worrying about my fyp while also doing nothing. i hate how lazy i am. becasue everytime im lazy to start my fyp, my mind goes back to #him. i wonder what he thinks of me if he sees me in this state. i know im male-centered, but i kinda miss him. its been a month since our last class, and i found myself stalking him again. i found his carousell account where someone purchase a couch from him. the buyer posted the picture of him helping her moved the couch. hes so adorably short. i also found his youtube account where he posted interview video for ukm acceptance. turns out we have the same muet band and he studied in matrikulasi pulau pinang. i wonder why its so far away from his house. 

im in the middle of a progress of forgetting him right now. i know i dont like him like that. its all just a matter of obsession and attention seeking. he probably forgets about me already. btw, bahraingp website already sells f1 tickets in sepang (13/8). its so damn expensive. the cheapest was rm200 on hillstand, and the other side of hillstand was rm800. idk why theres a big jump of price point there, but of course people would battle for the cheapest first. i didnt manage to secure the ticket. i didnt even manage to get into the ticketing selection. i was in the queue until 60% progress, then they kick me out saying theres database error. 

i dont think anybody gets the ticket, because threads is awfully quiet. im sure the bahraingp just face terrible traffic and it will open the ticketing again. but i already lose hope somehow. i will never get to go there. i will never get to see max in sepang. i will never get to see #him or even sit next to him on the hillstand and show him my f1 prediction app. its whatever i guess.

now i got a few hundreds i want to spend to make myself feel better, so i plan to go to ikea this weekend with deni to buy a bookshelf. the bookshelf in my room is full house. not books can go in anymore. so booksheld is very much needed. finally, im being a big girl and buy a furniture on my own with my own money. screw f1. its better to watch from the comfort of your house anyway.