on being ugly

January 8th, 2024

not many realise this, but being ugly actually gives you a lot of advantages. You can totally explore your abilities and talents when you're ugly. Because unlike being pretty, being so dependant on your look is impossible. 

but of course, being ugly have some downsides too. for starter, my ugly face in highschool still haunts me to this day. everytime i have acne, i got restless. im scared my face will turn back into the one in highschool. acnes and all. 

July 30th, 2026

i wrote the entry above in 2024, but never got a chance to finish it. the idea of the entry was to mention how i love being ugly and that it comes with some perks no pretty people can have. now that i grew up, i realized how mysoginistic that sounds like. nobody can control something they are born with. pretty women deal with harassment on the daily. people around them suddenly become jealous of them just because they got more attention from boys. this was my observation from high school. theres a girl in my highschool who had everything a teenage girl couldve dreamed of. shes pretty, smart, rich, school sprinter, kind and teachers loved her. so obviously shes like that girl who every boy secretly has a crush on, which i get it. im not jealous or anything. i know people like that will exist. based on my stupid theory in school, they cant exist. i called it the perfect theory. a person cant have all three - smart, pretty, rich. they can have one or two of those qualities, but not all three. its a stupid theory, i know, but to be fair i was fourteen when i came up with it. 

from my observation, she has all three. i dont know about smart, because shes not like a top scorer or something, but shes definitely smarter than people who hate her. anyway, we never talk. so i dont know much about her. i only know bit and pieces of her from peoples stories about her. from what i recall, the girls hate her. they said shes a backstabber, two-faced, a pick me (she likes to do cute voices. but again, from my memory, she only did this to girls. not boys). and she also "select". its a malaysian term for people who only being nice/interact with people within their circle. i searched on google its called "cliquey". i dont like how that sounds. so lets just call it select.

i dont really remember the full story why people hate her. my friends said she doesnt include them in something. and on our final year of school, she dated a boy who had had a long term girlfriend. and this girlfriend was a friend to the girl. but me being nonchalant about it, i dont find any problem with this. theyve broken up, the guy was single, so whats the problem? but of course the girls were fuming about it. its not wrong, but because shes the school sweetheart, so it became wrong. i did ask the girls whats wrong about it, because i genuinely wanted to know why. but i think they just said because both girls were friends. i dont ask more after that because i know they just wanted to hate on her. we never talk so she never truly done anything to me, so i never had hate for her. but i do feel pity for her. she barely had friends because the girls isolated her. and boys fought over her. it mustve been a pretty curse. boys like you, but at what cost. you dont have friends, girls talk shit about you, boys acting cringe to you to impress you. that doesnt sound fun. im glad im ugly. 

so if we have follow my perfect theory, if a person has all three, then it must have been their personality that skew things over. it kinda make sense, but kinda not. idk lets not talk about this anymore. i have long abandoned this theory because you cant put people in a box. people can change. you can be pretty if you have the money, you can be smart if you tried. 

anyway, i want to talk about me. im ugly. i know im ugly since highschool, but now i want to talk about being ugly in uni. i recently tried to take video of myself using the back camera of my phone. and oh god, i just realized how ugly i am. i know im ugly, but NOT that ugly. even how clear my face is, the scars still there. it still shows. and my pimples came back. yes, my clear skin era is over. its either i have to go through accutane again, or my dermatologist will get sick of me and just say you will never recover. you will have acne for the rest of your life. 

and i realized my teeth are yellow and not straight like i thought. i still have my overbite. and my face is fucking lopsided. its slanted to one side and its obvious too. i cant hide it no matter how hard i try. my face is slanted and its obvious. usually when peoples face is lopsided, i dont realize it, but there are some cases where i do realize it because its obvious. and i am one of those people whose face are obviously assymmetrical. its not that i care what i look like, but its just that i think about kyle. about how he must have seen my face in this condition - pimples, lopsided, yellow teeth, greasy skin. and i have the nerve to think he likes me. oh god

i wonder if he saw my teeth and my scarred and lopsided face and got disgusted of it. maybe thats why he gave me that smile that monday? because he thought i like him and disgusted of it so he wanted to make it clear that we have nothing between us? is that why? perhaps the same case as adam. he initiated small talk with me but never seems interested to talk with me beyond that. maybe they thought im too ugly for that. like yeah im funny, but thats what ugly people supposed to be isnt it? they have to develop a personality. thats how we survive this cruel world. the reality just hit me. i almost cried, but i remind myself this isnt highschool anymore. i should look at the brightside, at least im funny. 

kyle must have think my face is below average too. he doesnt want me to think he gives me a chance just because he invited me to mixue and laughed at some of my jokes. there goes my plan of messaging him asking him about flutter. i feel like one of those people who are ugly but doesnt aware they are ugly. this is like a wake up call for me, from now on i cant be loud and funny with people im interested in anymore. i have to act like im not interested in them so i dont have to overthink if they think im ugly or not. 

anyway, they announced sepang will be on f1 calendar on october. it will be called bahrain GP though, because bahrain was the one that paid for the hosting fee. but they use sepang as the track. i want to go so bad, i want to experience f1 for the first time. my sisters and my friends want to go too. and, i know i said id never talk about him anymore, but i think kyle would be there too. hes an f1 fan. i know hes just as excited about this announcement as me. idk why but i already imagine him inviting me to go there with him. or i imagine us suddenly bumping into each other at sepang and its a coincidence that we both sit at the same hillstand and we get to sit next to each other. i really want to meet him at sepang. watching f1 together has always been my kind of dream date with him. i mentioned it many times here. if it happens, then i will be convinced that anything can happen if i dream hard enough. its part of the reason i want to go there. i see us sitting side by side on the hillstand, sharing umbrella because its hot af, me showing him my f1 prediciton app and how it works like intended, him making fun of me because i keep changing my fyp topic, us seeing how my app correctly predict the race winner, us watching max verstappen's car break down in the middle of race because red bull sucks like that, us watching antonelli win the race, us saying goodbye and me saying how i will be seeing him around faculty. yes, i imagine every single possible scenario with him. i still miss him even if i fully realize how ugly i'll look like next to him under the sun.

these insecurities are eating me up. im okay with being ugly, but im not okay that other people analyze my face like i analyze my face. im not okay with people finding my flaws and thinking i must have been insecure about it. i hate when people know what i hate about myself. even though i do this to other people too, but damn, it hurts when it happens to me. i have the nerve to think adam, the perfect guy who has all three, thinks im attractive. *tsk*

anyway, speaking of adam, i decide to keep my distance away from him. i mean i already am, but i need to keep real distance from him from now on. first off, he doesnt like me like that. i wished him happy birthday on his birthday, because he wished mine before. i dont want to be rude. i want to reciprocate back the energy. but i wished him a little bit early. he posted a story about his birthday and i replied and wished him happy birthday, when that story has only been up for 30 mins. he said thanks damia, 2 hour later. i replied with youre welcome adam!! 8 hour later. he didnt replied after that. didnt even seen. so i supposed he already has someone. 

secondly, my batch has staycation on sunday (the day they announced sepang gp). i didnt come, of course, im not into this bonding shit. but one of my friend joined. they had the staycation for three days in batang kali. the villa looks nice. adam planned out everything because hes just organized like that. after the vacation, my friend who went there spilled some hot tea. really hot ones. so apparently, two of the people who i never thought would be together are together. my friend said they were inseparable the entire vacation. i mean, i get it, but the girl can do better i think. i know im mean, but shes taller than the guy. plus she looks like the kind girl that would practice islamic dating, since she looks alim. im shocked the guy was her type. but who am i to judge. as long as shes happy. and i also found out the girl that i speculated is adam's gf is actually isnt. but my speculation was right, because she confessed to him! i knew it. i knew something was going on. but to my surprise, my friend said adam rejected her. knowing adam, he must have been nice to her like hes nice to everyone and she caught feelings for him and they wear matching shirts on coincidence so she must have thought they are meant to be. but im not fully convinced he rejected her. i feel like maybe she confessed and he was like im not ready for relationship but lets get to know each other first then we'll see how it goes. i think thats how it went. he didnt fully reject her. because in those staycation videos, they dont look awkward at all. if anything, they look joyful around each other. if he rejected her, she wouldnt even want to come to the staycation. so i still have my suspicion about them.

so yep. thats how i think it is. that adam might be in talking stage with her. and im the least sought after girl in the land. hearing these stories makes me want to get closer kyle even more. must have been nice if my batch gossip about me and kyle and they were like "how they get together. isnt damia a loser who never talk to guys". then ashman spilled all the tea and was like "they were very close in mobile app class" lol. imagine that. imagine if the gossip gets to adam. i wonder what he thinks of me. realistically, he wouldnt care. unrealistically, he would be jealous and was like "wait all this time she doesnt like me like that?" that wouldve been awesome. because of that birthday wish, i dont want him to think i like him. i want to look like im just being nice. 

deep down, i dont like kyle like that. hes not the guy i typically go for. if he wasnt cute, i would definitely ignore him. but too bad hes hot. because right now i just want to be gossiped with him. i want people to speculate about us and think im not a loser like they thought because i get with a guy whos definitely out of my league. being with kyle can boost my ego and confidence. hes handsome so people must have wonder how we even got together. i want adam to know about me and kyle. i want the other guy who i think thinks i like him because we always made eye contact on accident but i swear it was never my intention, to know about me and kyle. i want everyone to know about us. i dont think kyle would feel the same, because im ugly so it would look like hes doing charity work, but i have a delusion to feed. imagine friends of my friends ask me about him and i just replied hehe. im quiet enough in class, i never join any programs, so people would never think i can pull a guy like kyle. at the end of the day, all i want is people to think im cool and mysterious.

if only everything i wished for came true.

goodbye for now.