well well well

September 5th, 2023

there must be something in berlin air that affects the entire friendship of my friends. 

because why the fuck did i just heard a story about one of my friends having s*x in a shared apartment while others were sleeping.

its a lot to unpack here. i know i shouldnt be surprised because stuff like this happen often. especially among muslim students who study abroad. theres a famous telltale that sometimes in a desperate situation, they share apartment with opposite gender to save rent cost.

but never have i ever thought it will happen to people that i know. 

its crazy. getting railed in a shared apartment? while other people were there? IN A LIVING ROOM? RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY SALAD?? okay that's obviously a stretch. but not the living room one. 

the craziest part is its not even a year yet since she lives in berlin. how everything can go downhill this fast

do i predict this will happen eventually? yesnt. she does look like she watch adult film, because she sometimes make jokes about s*x. but i never thought it would coming to her actually doing it. she looks just as loser as me. AND SHE'S SMART TOO. how could you let your intrusive thought go that far and let out a moan loudly in an apartment full of your innocent friends.... (thats what im being told)

anyway, i believe this has A LOT to do with consuming too much pornography media. she did mention she read hentai. its always the nerd-looking innocent-looking person that doing the most explicit stuff behind everyone's back. but judging her doenst make me a better person. im just a sinner with different kind of deed. she's having a hard time and i supposed to understand her. but whatever it is, i hope she's recovering soon. depression is no joke. once you did a mistake, and later on you bring along the guilt of it and keep thinking how embarrassing people must have think of you and you just feel like hang yourself. 

everyday i feel like killing myself because i dont feel like life's going to be better for me. but i keep on living, like normal. waking up late, miss subuh prayer, have lunch late, catch stomach ache because of that, play with my phone until asar, sleep super late at night and repeat the same thing every day. i hate living unproductive life like this, it slowly drains me. i still havent get email from unis that i applied to yet and im being lazy. 

like i said, not everyone has it easy. living in better country or not, have a lot of friends or not, the challenges will be there, waiting at the door. nobody can really escape the burden of depression, even if they live a different life than they used to. so what really matters is, to seek God and His blessings. 

i wonder when will i take my prayer seriously