an author in the making

September 27th, 2023

They said when all the hope is gone, you moved on. Find other interests, and i think i found the one that suits me.

so the initial plan is i want to make money, whatever way it is as long as it comes from halal source. but the problem is, im lack of a lot of things.

here's my mental list of things i could do to gain money, and reasons why i crossed them out :

1. crochet bags or knitted cardigan. reason : its frustrated me how NOBODY mention how time consuming it is, even if you understand every single tutorial. and knitting, its SOO HARD. until now i never grasp anything that i learn. combine both of these problems then you know how draining and mentally exhausting it is. since then i learned to recede my dream a little
2. work in retail. reason : i dont have time for that. and i've been battling with depression after a-level so it seems like the worst idea
3. become tiktok influencer. reason: not that pretty and not really good talking infront of camera. though i can definitely do that if i wasnt that ugly. and collecting followers are really hard if i didnt do rempit content or gelek gelek. being a booktoker also not easy for me, because i dont read much lately. but i tried at least. baking cost a lot, and mama would be present all the time while i was baking to judge me, so nope
4. depend on kak qas money. well, technically i didnt cross this one because im still working with her. but later on im starting my class, so might get busy. hopefully i got UPM so i can still work with her (its closer to my house), she's the only my source of income right now. i will enroll in UPM with computer science degree aminnn

so in the end, i chose to become an author. no pressure, a lot work but most importantly it doenst require much effort. i can choose when im gonna rest or when i will stop. but of course, that's rather ridiculous because to measure, im probably entry level writer. my sentence is weak and lack of poetic spirit. i know markus zusak will be disappointed in me if he read any of my work. but its okay, i can improve myself along the way and read a couple books. at this point, reading books is not a hobby anymore. its learning and working at the same time. i have to master my grammar and expand my vocabulary if i want to make bank with this book. 

besides, its not all about money. i've been wanting to become a writer since i first read ain maisarah's books back in middle school. i really really really want to see my book getting publish and displayed in local bookstores. how wonderful to know that there are people out there who enjoy my work of fiction. some kind of heaven. and perhaps after that i'll take the next big step, which is getting invited to PBAKL to give out my signature to readers. God knows how long i've been hoping to do that. and be a celebrity for a week. readers want to take pictures with you and publisher keep praising you for your work, which at the time already sold out for only five days since PBAKL starts. 

my book also will get on the top 10 bestselling fiction EVERY WEEK at MPH because it is THAT GOOD. a couple booktokers will make tiktoks about my book and the videos get viral overnight. everyone wants to get their hand on this book to make sure it isnt another marketing strategy and later on they satisfied with their purchase :))))) a girl could only dream, unless....

Oh Allah, when will i experience this?

song - Decorate, Yuna

(i already started on a manuscript, if you're wondering)