the book thief

September 12th, 2023

                                                     

if i ever write a book, and were asked by a journalist what book that inspires me to write, The Book Thief is the only perfect answer.

and i will tell the world how it moved me in a way i didnt notice. the writing, the plot, the ... *chef's kiss* especially the writing, i cant seem to get over that. see, i have this imaginary writing tier in my head where i rate authors by their writing. nothing serious, just want to know which author i should devoted my money to. 

bottom tier- the easy one. its not bad, but i can tell its pretty weak. the kind of writing i'd have in high school. easy to understand, not really improve anyone's vocabulary. this one i should give it to jenny han. though she's not a native speaker, so im gonna cut her some slack. 

middle tier- the good one. doenst have much expansive vocab but can produce great sentence with common one. i have to give this one to john green and colleen hoover. i love their writing, the one i look up at a lot as a beginner. not really poetic, but none of them are poets so its forgivable

top tier- the one aspire to write like. i need to read A LOT of books to have this kind of writing. not easy, but not impossible, because in the end im just a girl with immaculate dream. this one should go to terry brooks and alexandra bracken. 

master tier- by just reading it, i know theres no way i can write like this. it'll take years for me, even decades have this kind of writing. every sentence is beautifully poetically written that i had to tab every single word. and this one, none other than markus zusak himself. and i want to have this set of ability before 40. 

not every day i stumble upon a book with this kind of writing, or maybe i just never bother to touch classics. but this one is not classic, and i think we should consider it as one. i dont know what criteria a book needs to has to pass as a classic other than being written hundreds years ago, but the book thief should belong somewhere. somewhere special. 

besides the writing, the plot is good too. its about WW2, and this girl liesel merminger living during that time. it feels like the author really did his research in depth. the middle is somewhat boring, because nothing much happened. i took about 3 to 4 months to finish it because i kept on dnf'd it. but like i used to say, the writing is what take me far. i read start wars prequel movie adaptation novels before, its boring but the writing is what keeps me going. 

the book thief also has a movie. funnily enough, i watched the movie first before i read the book. because at that time, i couldnt afford the book yet and suddenly the movie appeared on hbo so i had to watch it. so i know about the tearjerker ending. it's extremely sad, but i didnt cry because it was just right after sahoor when i finished the movie. but yeah, its devastating. all in all, its a good book. the kind of book everyone should experience one in a life time. the kind of book that worth all the internet hype.

the kind of book that aspire me to start my own.

an author in the making

September 27th, 2023

They said when all the hope is gone, you moved on. Find other interests, and i think i found the one that suits me.

so the initial plan is i want to make money, whatever way it is as long as it comes from halal source. but the problem is, im lack of a lot of things.

here's my mental list of things i could do to gain money, and reasons why i crossed them out :

1. crochet bags or knitted cardigan. reason : its frustrated me how NOBODY mention how time consuming it is, even if you understand every single tutorial. and knitting, its SOO HARD. until now i never grasp anything that i learn. combine both of these problems then you know how draining and mentally exhausting it is. since then i learned to recede my dream a little
2. work in retail. reason : i dont have time for that. and i've been battling with depression after a-level so it seems like the worst idea
3. become tiktok influencer. reason: not that pretty and not really good talking infront of camera. though i can definitely do that if i wasnt that ugly. and collecting followers are really hard if i didnt do rempit content or gelek gelek. being a booktoker also not easy for me, because i dont read much lately. but i tried at least. baking cost a lot, and mama would be present all the time while i was baking to judge me, so nope
4. depend on kak qas money. well, technically i didnt cross this one because im still working with her. but later on im starting my class, so might get busy. hopefully i got UPM so i can still work with her (its closer to my house), she's the only my source of income right now. i will enroll in UPM with computer science degree aminnn

so in the end, i chose to become an author. no pressure, a lot work but most importantly it doenst require much effort. i can choose when im gonna rest or when i will stop. but of course, that's rather ridiculous because to measure, im probably entry level writer. my sentence is weak and lack of poetic spirit. i know markus zusak will be disappointed in me if he read any of my work. but its okay, i can improve myself along the way and read a couple books. at this point, reading books is not a hobby anymore. its learning and working at the same time. i have to master my grammar and expand my vocabulary if i want to make bank with this book. 

besides, its not all about money. i've been wanting to become a writer since i first read ain maisarah's books back in middle school. i really really really want to see my book getting publish and displayed in local bookstores. how wonderful to know that there are people out there who enjoy my work of fiction. some kind of heaven. and perhaps after that i'll take the next big step, which is getting invited to PBAKL to give out my signature to readers. God knows how long i've been hoping to do that. and be a celebrity for a week. readers want to take pictures with you and publisher keep praising you for your work, which at the time already sold out for only five days since PBAKL starts. 

my book also will get on the top 10 bestselling fiction EVERY WEEK at MPH because it is THAT GOOD. a couple booktokers will make tiktoks about my book and the videos get viral overnight. everyone wants to get their hand on this book to make sure it isnt another marketing strategy and later on they satisfied with their purchase :))))) a girl could only dream, unless....

Oh Allah, when will i experience this?

song - Decorate, Yuna

(i already started on a manuscript, if you're wondering)

well well well

September 5th, 2023

there must be something in berlin air that affects the entire friendship of my friends. 

because why the fuck did i just heard a story about one of my friends having s*x in a shared apartment while others were sleeping.

its a lot to unpack here. i know i shouldnt be surprised because stuff like this happen often. especially among muslim students who study abroad. theres a famous telltale that sometimes in a desperate situation, they share apartment with opposite gender to save rent cost.

but never have i ever thought it will happen to people that i know. 

its crazy. getting railed in a shared apartment? while other people were there? IN A LIVING ROOM? RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY SALAD?? okay that's obviously a stretch. but not the living room one. 

the craziest part is its not even a year yet since she lives in berlin. how everything can go downhill this fast

do i predict this will happen eventually? yesnt. she does look like she watch adult film, because she sometimes make jokes about s*x. but i never thought it would coming to her actually doing it. she looks just as loser as me. AND SHE'S SMART TOO. how could you let your intrusive thought go that far and let out a moan loudly in an apartment full of your innocent friends.... (thats what im being told)

anyway, i believe this has A LOT to do with consuming too much pornography media. she did mention she read hentai. its always the nerd-looking innocent-looking person that doing the most explicit stuff behind everyone's back. but judging her doenst make me a better person. im just a sinner with different kind of deed. she's having a hard time and i supposed to understand her. but whatever it is, i hope she's recovering soon. depression is no joke. once you did a mistake, and later on you bring along the guilt of it and keep thinking how embarrassing people must have think of you and you just feel like hang yourself. 

everyday i feel like killing myself because i dont feel like life's going to be better for me. but i keep on living, like normal. waking up late, miss subuh prayer, have lunch late, catch stomach ache because of that, play with my phone until asar, sleep super late at night and repeat the same thing every day. i hate living unproductive life like this, it slowly drains me. i still havent get email from unis that i applied to yet and im being lazy. 

like i said, not everyone has it easy. living in better country or not, have a lot of friends or not, the challenges will be there, waiting at the door. nobody can really escape the burden of depression, even if they live a different life than they used to. so what really matters is, to seek God and His blessings. 

i wonder when will i take my prayer seriously

depression is all around

August 20th, 2023

running away from your problem doesnt solve it, same thing as moving to a better country. it doesn't make your depression magically disappear. 

just today that i realized my friend, who're currently in germany for her studies, deactivated her instagram account, which she used to post a lot about her having fun. i like her post because it clearly display how she didnt give a damn about what people think of her. she's the embodiment of 'life is about having fun' and i agree with that. even if her laughter sometimes feels like a force, but at least her followers know she's having fun. 

when it comes to her, people who's not close to her might think she's the internet term of 'pick me'. but i think she's cool. i like people who show that instagram post isnt as scary as they said. likes doesnt matter anymore. if everyone had this mindset, we would all be happy again, and instagram can be at its peak again. i made this strict rule for my feed that it only has single picture in one post. no particular reason, just want to make my feed looks like 'it still belongs in 2014'. which also from others perspective, must have look like i have the most boring post ever. but I DONT CARE. i want to shitpost whenever i like. i want to post a picture of a wall and get at least 20 likes. i hope people realize that its embarassing if they're overthinking about people's post on social media.

posting on instagram isnt fun anymore. even if i post a picture of my face, i'd get like 36 likes. thats so SAD. i used to have 80 likes of pic of calum hood. mark zuckerberg should really make insta 2014 again or else he'll never find peace. Threads doesn't work like he intended because the guilt of messing up IG with ads and shops. you reap what you sow

anyway, back on my friend. before this, i did saw she shared on status about a conversation between her and a friend back in malaysia. her friend gave her motivational paragraph about depression or sumn. i dont know much, i didnt check people's status. but i believe she's been talking about the stress she endured in germany. 

oh well that's bound to happen. i've predicted this before, even told it on her face that im not sure about studying in germany (which at the time i was covering up my sadness about the alevel result). but it's slowly showing its truth, i guess

regardless, i hope you're doing okay, wherever you are. you're still my friend no matter what

fear and frustration

September 11th, 2023

last week, when the talent acquisition called me, she informed that she will let me know if i get chosen to be interviewed by her manager. she will email me on MONDAY. 

guess what day is today

montag :)

its 6pm, office hour probably already end so i guess... thats it. my journey of anxiousness and begging and throwing up and crying finally comes to an end. i dont get the scholarship and i dont have any university to do my degree. my excitement to take ielts and make a great comeback statement on my instagram second account has died down.

i dont have the energy to do anything now, not even applying to private uni. everything is expensive and against the income of my dad. if he knew how much he's about to pay for my studies, we wont be enjoying good food like we used to. and maybe we wont be going overseas to visit my sisters at all. and i will attend my class with guilt everyday knowing how much my parents have to suffer to get me a degree. 

im not familiar with rejection so its hard for me to handle my feelings. nothing happens according to my plan and now i feel like im failing in life. i feel like everything is against me and the only way i can escape this and be happy again is by doing nothing. just let the flow take me wherever it wishes.

now that a lot uni applications has closed, then do i need to wait another year and cry in my lonely dark bedroom again? damn i should've take ielts long time ago

and for Ainaa from Eduvisor, sorry that i lied to you about already enrol to public uni. i just want you to leave me alone because i was in distress. thanks for suggesting me those private unis i can go to, but i cant afford any of them. 

an unfortunate turn of event

September 7th, 2023

my worst fears were realised. "Tidak berjaya" was displayed on the monitor screen. As big as it should.

mama sat next to me, shocked but at the same time pulled her phone to the screen, and took a picture. i was checking the connection, making sure it wasn't another usual governmental website crash caused by heavy traffic. she started to blast out the news to the family whatsapp groups, yes, GROUPS. she might, or might not care that i was in one of the groups as well as my phone chimed, loud and clear, filling the silence in my room. it was the picture of my screen.

there were five links. i clicked all of them, filled out my IC number in each empty box. the same words came out. checked twitter, maybe everyone saw the same word, but no. they didnt. even some of them got into the uni that i want. the course i was meant to take. 

minutes past, and the family whatsapp group already had 20+ notifications. everyone came close, including the one in another country far far away. but i couldnt bring myself to read in the group yet. i just read them from my notification centre. "check again. might be a mistake" "apply private uni" "apply uni in the uk" "apply this scholarship" "take ielts"

if only they knew how hard it is to apply anything with this result

just when i thought there's nothing left for me, a call from the scholarship that i've been longing for came to the rescue. but i was at my lowest at the time. so when she, the talent acquisition, explained to me about the scholarship and my life in germany if i get it, i didnt pay attention to her that much. i was nervous and sad and i told her about my failed upu result. she also asked about other unis that i applied to, and something something. but i already lost hope when she said they only take two people for the scholarship. one person already get it, and there's only one empty space. my application is being processed and will be reviewed by her manager, along other THREE applications from other candidates. so right now i think it's best if i move along and think less about going to germany...

also hoping a rich man interested to marry me the next day

UPU !!!

this is it. the day of determination. i got approximately 26 minutes before upu result is opened am not gonna lie, im shaking right now.

im mostly scared that i didnt get into any uni. getting into uni that i dont want isnt much of a problem. but not getting anywhere freaked me out. i literally didnt apply anywhere other than upu, so i hope i get it. my result wasnt that bad, but wasnt that good either. i dont care about dream uni anymore, i just want a place. 

also, update on the scholarship im talking about. she didnt call yet. three weeks ago, exactly the day that i submitted my email in which she replied with "I will call you tomorrow", she hasnt call ever since. im starting to lose hope in this scholarship. what if it interferes with my schedule. what if i already start my class and thats when they want to call for interview? and what if i get the scholarship? wouldnt it be waste of money if i left the uni i already attended to and have to start over again. 

"i think i've seen this film before, and i didnt like the ending" playing in my head if the situation above really happens. back before i got offered a program to germany, i was on my journey to medic school. i was just to weeks of my foundation when jpa suddenly accepted my appeal. some money was lost, and i had to do medical checkup all over again. by the end of 2022, i already had 3 medical checkups and X-rays. that sounds dangerous. and the ending? i didnt go to germany

so it almost the same as what i said before. happy intro, bad ending. 

and another 12 minutes before result comes...