first week so far

October 20th, 2023

IT SUCKS

My first week here, first day of class SUCKs so bAD that i partially regretted coming here.

tuesday - registration day. nothing really happened during registration, mama and papa were there. but they couldnt help me. i have to register alone with other kids. theres a cute staff handing us goodies at the door. i got into the nearest college from my faculty, like how i'd planned it. the initial plan was to stay close with dafi (a close highschool friend) at her college because we can hang out all the time. but it was soo far away from my faculty, and im afraid that if i wake up late during morning class later on, and if the universe is against me at the moment that it sends the bus late than expected and i have to take a grab to class and marked as late on my attendance. so nearest college it is. but this didnt mean its very near, its just the nearest. but i still have to walk around 10 minutes to reach my faculty. now this may not seemed so bad, but i will explain further in other paragraph.

the room key was handed right after that, and this was where the regret started. i got the most furthest room, far from entrance, far from the bathroom, and at the most highest altitude possible. okay maybe its not that high, but its at the third floor (two if you dont include the ground floor in the counting). my dad couldnt go far because its girls block, so me and mama had to carry all my stuff (a stupidly heavy luggage, two extra large grocery bags full with things, a desk fan, a laundry basket also filled with things) upstairs. YES i climbed the stairs with two hands carrying the bags. my mom already panting hard next to me which made me feel a little bad. then again, thats just the first day norm. its not that bad. but also imagine this, i have to walk for ten minutes to class, plus minus 15 minutes if includes the time taken to climb the stairs at my faculty, and then i have to walk another miles and climb stairs to get to my room. plus theres also KITTENS near my room that think all humans are cat-lover that they love to bother me. like, okay cat you're cute but you still smell bad and you gonna grow up turning into a grumpy cat. thats why i never want to have any sort of attachment with cats. they will forget where they belong. 

wednesday - course registration. the night before, they changed the schedule for course registration for every faculty. supposedly everyone needs to register at 8.30 am, but they changed it. some people were lucky that they got 2.30 pm. and guess who dont. this gal right here. the time was still the same. a pang of homesickness hit me that night. i missed the comfort of my home, my bedroom. so dafi slept with me that night, because i invited her over for some chitchat. but unfortunately i cant seem to sleep that night. i was WIDE awake. no kidding, my heart was pumping blood so fast. was it nervous? scared? sad? i dont know. but i couldnt sleep. maybe its the way my body adjusting with my sleeping schedule, but its weird that i wasnt calm at all. i dont know why i was nervous. the rest of the night, i just rolled on my bed trying to sleep, played some hayday and pretending to wake up to alarm at 6 am. my roommate did wake up around 4 to perform tahajjud prayer and study. YES you heard that right. early morning study on second week of semester. she must've been smart.

so there i went that morning to the faculty of computer science and IT. dafi had an online class that morning, so she said she can tag along for the registration. we had breakfast (only her, because i dont eat in the morning) and off we went by bus. the bus was crowded and i had no seat until my stop. at first i thought i was the only second intake in that faculty, because during the online meeting, theres no sign of people from there. but when i entered the office, there were 5 of them. one who took my course. i felt a relief knowing that there were people like me. its no secret that i hate being alone and i hate not having people sharing the same experience as me. thats why making friend is hard for me. because i need them to be with me all the time, and i will be with them all the time. is it too much to ask for? apparently, the person who took the same course as me was a guy. but as long as he's nice and knows how to communicate, i think i dont mind much. the briefing took only an hour and dafi said she had to go to class at 10. but i convinced her to stay. this was very evil of me, but somehow she agreed. she said she's been skipping class a lot so its not a problem for her. well okay. 

regret number two. i was a second intake, trying to register my subjects at the time that i insist. but apparently the system said "screw you second intake. you got in late so theres nothing left for you" like its our fault. core subjects were full, but they tried to open them for us. thats fine. but when it came to curriculum and this extra english subject that, mind you, has no credit at all, theres nothing they could help. they couldnt open the slot. WE had to fight for it ourselves. so ridiculous. for God's sake we just got in, they should have reserved some spots for us. or briefed us beforehand. or demolished this second intake thing if unfairness like this occurs. i wanted to get into theater and drama club, because thats where i think i can spread my writing wing. but how unfortunate that its full. tried the sports club. all full. and the only thing thats left is this voluntary club. i just took it. whatever, as long as i got a credit. next, the useless english program made by people who never speak english in their entire life. its where you have to record an online meeting with your groupmates and discuss about the theme given. and you have to submit this video every freaking week. even reading the task made me feel exhausted. this university kept on piling works on students. but anyway, i couldnt get to register the subject because all full. they said, if i unable to register, i have to take it for next sem. n to flipping o, NO!

i left the office early because i couldnt take it anymore. me and my friend went to her faculty, agriculture faculty because she had class there until 2 pm. i waited for her in the surau, and guess what. theres no electricity in there, and it was so hot outside so i just stayed in the surau even though my back was sweating like crazy. plus i didnt sleep that night, so i just sleep in the surau for 30 minutes until a girl woke me up saying theres a guy entering girls section to fix the electricity. so i had to wait for him to be done, and i thought "oh this is nice. im gonna have a good sleep after this" but instead, he couldnt fix it. the power was still off. i couldnt go back to sleep because i was sweaty and uncomfortable, so i just waited for dafi to finish her class. after we finished solat, she had a photoshoot with her coursemates. so i needed to wait a little more until we could go back to college. who knew it would take FOREVER. they even had professional photographer for it. so, under the blazing sun sat me reading an ebook to kill time. and we went home after that

thursday - the first day, where hell breaks loose. i was introduced to the disaster of computer science student that day. my first class started at 11 am, multimedia technology. i was excited to learn multimedia related knowledge, because duhh, i want to be the person behind FNAF one day, sitting on the same level as Scott Cawthon. being game developer sounds cool. me, and the other new guy (lets give his name emir, because he will be in a lot of my stories in the future) were sitting in in the lecture room for a few minutes until a staff came in and asked us which class we're waiting for. we answered and she said, "the lecturer is MC today". SO WHY NOBODY TELL?? my next class was at 1 pm, i could've overslept that morning and still be alright. okay so we're like whatever. i walked back to my room because i left my water bottle aka my emotional support aka my fountain in a drought. the 1 pm class was programming class. and to my surprise, the none of the computers there were okay to use. they lagged SO BAD to the point that i almost cried. i cried eventually during my zohor prayer. the girl in class said everyone brought their own laptop because the computers there sucked. imagine this, we had to do a task given by lecturer. its a list of simple programming instructions. everyone already started doing it BUT ME. it was so embarrassing, i wanted to bury myself in that particular moment. three hours class and i still hadnt start anything yet. i was still downloading the damn eclipse. i made a lot of stories explaining my frustration to my friends. i wanted to cry but i hold back. thank god the lecturer was super sweet and nice, she just said next time i had to bring my own laptop.

thinking back, i think its stupid to not do maintenance on those computers. its a faculty of computer science, they need to have up-to-date computers. they can have imac at the IT centre, where they do showcase during open day a lot, but they only provide stone-aged computers for the students. i paid 7 grand for this college, and this was all i got. the worst facilities ever. i messaged my mom about wanting a new laptop, and few minutes later my dad shared a facebook business selling used laptop. the thing i hate about him, will elaborate further in my next post. 

the next class is discrete structure, or widely known as discrete math. istg they're trying to be fancy with that name. eventually the new guy emir, was assigned different lecturer than me, which made me the only new person in that class. i joined the class whatsapp group late, because im the new student duhh, and the professor had announced theres been change in class location in the group. but because i joined late, i couldnt see the announcement. i hate using whatsapp for official class group. telegram was right THERE. its convenient, you can silently delete messages, you can categorized the chats either its personal or college groups, its better than whatsapp and you can send beautiful pictures there! i dont understand why we're still using whatsapp for work use. it just look unprofessional. at least with telegram you can see people's name even without saving their number, rather than seeing "Hamba Allah" with tons of emojis next to a number. anyway, i had to scroll pass the participants list and choose one person i could message, hopefully its a woman, and ask her about the class location. i sat at the empty room while waiting for her to reply, she replied and apparently they cahnged it to the opposite room. 

there were people, but its quiet in there. made friends with the girls on the back row. asked for her number, so i can just message her when needed. the professor walked in, and its the same lecturer in programming class. i thanked God this time. she's nice and sweet, so i dont have to worry much. you can tell loud and strict lecturers are not my favourite. but then, the bad luck took over. she said she's doing TEST. this was my first discrete math class, and she made me sit for a test. thankfully its not a carry mark test. just a test to see how far students understand the first topic. i sat there in silenced, and waiting for her to come to my desk. i was too introvert to go to her table. and she approached me, yeay. so i explained to her about how this is my first class, and she understood. she also said she'll do a revision class for chapters that i'd been missed. and thats how you become a good lecturer in my book. 

friday - the damn agriculture. it is compulsory for every student in UPM to take agriculture subject in the first semester, first year. so i was like, okay how bad can it be... its BAD. maybe for me, idk. but it reminded me of how much i hate planting. the lecturer already informed the class to bring glove, which was last week. i hadnt entered yet last week. so i had to dig the ground full of worms and little unknown land species with my bare hands. my nails were dirty and dark by the time we're finished. it's hot, i made friends with some girls, and an international student. we had to plant vegetables and thats the plant that will give us mark later on. i did think its stupid to grade it like that, because planting required time and patience. and if the plant failed to grow into anything at the end of semester, we're doomed.  but anyway, i didnt want to care much. i was tired and wanted to go back to my room.

unfortunately, dafi had to go back home that weekend. which left me alone in this uni. i had no friends to go to dinner with that night, so i asked my roommate to go with me. she didnt seem like the type to go hanging out with friends, or she didnt seem to have friends. because she hadnt bring her friends for sleepover in the room, but whatever its her choice. we ordered take out at our college's cafeteria. its kinda cheap. but she had to go to a meeting, so i went back to my room and eat alone. and then i regretted to order kuey teow ladna, because i just remembered i didnt bring any bowl or container. they packaged the kuey teow inside a plastic, seperated it with the gravy. so i had to carefully poured the gravy inside the kuey teow plastic without it falling over. because if it was, then it will be over for me. my laptop would be covered in gravy, by wire extension, my other electronics. thank God i was very careful, it didnt happen.

saturday - the regret came again. remember when i said about me joining the volunteer club? i changed it to silambam because dafi said volunteer club required a lot of energy and work. so i changed it. but then, last night i just felt like not wanting the silambam because i might not gonna have friends there, or worst, i might be the only girl there, so i changed it again. volunteer club was still opened, but it only had 12pm to 3pm and 3pm to 6pm slots. i wanted the one in the morning, because i think it would be convenient to me. so i scroll again, and guess what. the netball club was OPENED. 8am to 11am slot. the perfect time, perfect sport. i know how to play netball, and the best thing was it wiould be only girls. so i jsut registered it immediately.

when the morning came, i was nervous because i didnt know where they were held. like they stated where, but i didnt know where that place was. so i took a bus there, hoping i was not wrong. when i arrived, i was not wrong. some girls were coming off the bus too and i asked them were they also going to netball club meeting. and they said yes. when i got in, a screaming voice was heard at the door. sounded like someone was getting brainwashed. and i entered the court, it was the facilitator, scolding the students. they sat in silenced, listening to her scream. when i went inside, she asked me for my name, still shouting. and i told her that im new, and stuff like that. and she asked, do you read my email i sent you? i, obviously dont. so i just said i havent yet, and she asked me read the email while scolding the students about the importance of reading the email. she said she hates it when students didnt reply to her as soon as possible or stuff like that. i tried to calm myself down, while in my head was planning on dropping the club. i still have time for that. if this was the kind of environment i have to faced with every week, then im dropping out. 

i opened my email, and guess what. the email she referred to was sent at 12.11am. i was already sound asleep at that time. so i just did what she asked me to, while cursed her inside. then she explained about community program. we had to handle a game by week 14. she will grade us by the program we handled. when i heard it, i was already stressed out. I NEED OUT. we had discussion about it for 2 and half hours. another half was playing netball. i hadnt playing netball in such a long time that i forgot which position is which. i played it very badly, but whatever idc. i just wanted to go back home at that moment. i didnt wear an appropriate attire and appropriate bra for the sport. it was a disaster. after the game, she made us wait again to complain about our game. we should finish at 11, but at the end we went back home at 11.30. i wanted to drop this club real bad, until they gave me a netball bib. they wanted us to bring them for the next class. my decision was murky. should i drop? should i not? i  enjoyed playing basketball, but not with that kind of faci. so i just said, fuck its fine. i will stay

 

turning over a new leaf

October 2nd, 2023

after the day my a-level result came out, a voice in my head keeps bothering me with motivational words like "start over" "a fresh start". though i do think its annoying, since i had nothing to do in this house, i had no friends, no jobs, and im scared of driving. hence i barely could do anything to make myself feel better. nothing to "fresh start" over. for months i was in this house, waking up late, crying, eating lunch at 4 and repeat the same thing over again until my brain was depressed enough to keep up with this routine. everyday convincing myself that i need to change, but attempts always appear unsuccessful because i cant go to bed at night without thinking how much of failure i was. or without thinking what a big opportunity i just walk over of. 

see, after some manic episode of rejection of my jpa appeal, my parents convinced me to still go to germany using their savings. but i refused, i was in my bad place at the time. all i wanted to do was get away from everyone, especially my college mates. the people that i thought i would go to germany with. i didnt want them to see how much of a mess i was (though i dont think they give slight care of me), but still. i was embarrassed and stressed out. i just wanted to stop studying and live under my parents care forever or until i finally become an author or something. and thats when my bad habits came to light. all i do was scrolling tiktoks and twitter and tried my best to avoid instagram because everyone's having fun except of me. i just coulnt take it. 

im not fully over that yet, but its okay. i'll keep believing that i'll have what they have, even better, maybe dating a rich guy and use his connection to get to as many famous movie directors and become a movie scriptwriter and meet with a lot of celebrities. oh how i wish.

at times, i do pray for my friends in germany their downfall. but i know that's not really nice of me. because it the end it'll just come back at me. jealousy is a mental cancer, more men died of jealousy than cancer. let them have fun, its their rezeki. they work really hard to get where they are now and i dont. i have to accept that rezeki comes in many ways and forms. one day i'll have it too. 

and today, the rezeki that i've been longing for appeared in my mailbox. 

i got accepted into UPM. its such a meaningful day that i blasted out the bubbles to my friends first then of my parents. i got computer science course, specialised in multimedia computing. i dont know what that means, but at least it has media in it. one baby step closer to become a movie director or whatever.

im happy, really. but one thing i didnt happy with, THE COST. they literally include the cost there in the offer letter. rm7.5k for the first semester, almost rm60k for the whole programme. not including the hostel. who's laughing now? (not my dad for sure)

anyway, upm is the perfect college for me, because i will be returning home every weekend. i still need to work. and i dont think papa will give me any lunch money because he already use his whole salary to pay for my study, and i understand that. i dont want to ask him either. i feel bad enough already.

i also have a friend there. she agreed to become my company if im lonely there. she also wants to work with me, which is a good thing. i dont have to drive alone to my house. 

about the money, i can apply for scholarship after the first semester. im an ace at this point. i just need to score and do my best, and from this day, my tiktok will flooded with study content only. i used to think its kinda corny, but good grades aint corny. i want to start watching gilmore girls, but she studied in harvard. she gets to wear comfy winter coat and knitwear and wear boots. while im in one of the hottest state in malaysia, i dont think studying is going to be aesthetically pleasing like how they portray in the show, but its okay. i'll try.

i'll try to be like lip gallagher in early seasons of shameless. never seen him studying, all he did was bang girls and do weed, but he still scores his tests. so im gonna make him, and probably rory gilmore as my inspiration now. and because i have work on the weekends, i cant playing around during classes. i have to give my full focus because my best bet is, i wont be studying on the weekends. work is tired enough to milk my brain for maths. so im planning on becoming that person who people never saw them with books but always get good grades in class and is the best student. that person is lip gallagher and that person is me. inshaallah

never postponed a job, like my physics teacher used to say. and i wont. i promise. i will do my assignments right after they're given. i wont let my parents and their money down. i spent days of dreaming this opportunity, and i will do my best. studying will become a part of me that perhaps i will get 'math is fun' tattooed on my forehead or something.

and a new journey of my life begins.

the book thief

September 12th, 2023

                                                     

if i ever write a book, and were asked by a journalist what book that inspires me to write, The Book Thief is the only perfect answer.

and i will tell the world how it moved me in a way i didnt notice. the writing, the plot, the ... *chef's kiss* especially the writing, i cant seem to get over that. see, i have this imaginary writing tier in my head where i rate authors by their writing. nothing serious, just want to know which author i should devoted my money to. 

bottom tier- the easy one. its not bad, but i can tell its pretty weak. the kind of writing i'd have in high school. easy to understand, not really improve anyone's vocabulary. this one i should give it to jenny han. though she's not a native speaker, so im gonna cut her some slack. 

middle tier- the good one. doenst have much expansive vocab but can produce great sentence with common one. i have to give this one to john green and colleen hoover. i love their writing, the one i look up at a lot as a beginner. not really poetic, but none of them are poets so its forgivable

top tier- the one aspire to write like. i need to read A LOT of books to have this kind of writing. not easy, but not impossible, because in the end im just a girl with immaculate dream. this one should go to terry brooks and alexandra bracken. 

master tier- by just reading it, i know theres no way i can write like this. it'll take years for me, even decades have this kind of writing. every sentence is beautifully poetically written that i had to tab every single word. and this one, none other than markus zusak himself. and i want to have this set of ability before 40. 

not every day i stumble upon a book with this kind of writing, or maybe i just never bother to touch classics. but this one is not classic, and i think we should consider it as one. i dont know what criteria a book needs to has to pass as a classic other than being written hundreds years ago, but the book thief should belong somewhere. somewhere special. 

besides the writing, the plot is good too. its about WW2, and this girl liesel merminger living during that time. it feels like the author really did his research in depth. the middle is somewhat boring, because nothing much happened. i took about 3 to 4 months to finish it because i kept on dnf'd it. but like i used to say, the writing is what take me far. i read start wars prequel movie adaptation novels before, its boring but the writing is what keeps me going. 

the book thief also has a movie. funnily enough, i watched the movie first before i read the book. because at that time, i couldnt afford the book yet and suddenly the movie appeared on hbo so i had to watch it. so i know about the tearjerker ending. it's extremely sad, but i didnt cry because it was just right after sahoor when i finished the movie. but yeah, its devastating. all in all, its a good book. the kind of book everyone should experience one in a life time. the kind of book that worth all the internet hype.

the kind of book that aspire me to start my own.

an author in the making

September 27th, 2023

They said when all the hope is gone, you moved on. Find other interests, and i think i found the one that suits me.

so the initial plan is i want to make money, whatever way it is as long as it comes from halal source. but the problem is, im lack of a lot of things.

here's my mental list of things i could do to gain money, and reasons why i crossed them out :

1. crochet bags or knitted cardigan. reason : its frustrated me how NOBODY mention how time consuming it is, even if you understand every single tutorial. and knitting, its SOO HARD. until now i never grasp anything that i learn. combine both of these problems then you know how draining and mentally exhausting it is. since then i learned to recede my dream a little
2. work in retail. reason : i dont have time for that. and i've been battling with depression after a-level so it seems like the worst idea
3. become tiktok influencer. reason: not that pretty and not really good talking infront of camera. though i can definitely do that if i wasnt that ugly. and collecting followers are really hard if i didnt do rempit content or gelek gelek. being a booktoker also not easy for me, because i dont read much lately. but i tried at least. baking cost a lot, and mama would be present all the time while i was baking to judge me, so nope
4. depend on kak qas money. well, technically i didnt cross this one because im still working with her. but later on im starting my class, so might get busy. hopefully i got UPM so i can still work with her (its closer to my house), she's the only my source of income right now. i will enroll in UPM with computer science degree aminnn

so in the end, i chose to become an author. no pressure, a lot work but most importantly it doenst require much effort. i can choose when im gonna rest or when i will stop. but of course, that's rather ridiculous because to measure, im probably entry level writer. my sentence is weak and lack of poetic spirit. i know markus zusak will be disappointed in me if he read any of my work. but its okay, i can improve myself along the way and read a couple books. at this point, reading books is not a hobby anymore. its learning and working at the same time. i have to master my grammar and expand my vocabulary if i want to make bank with this book. 

besides, its not all about money. i've been wanting to become a writer since i first read ain maisarah's books back in middle school. i really really really want to see my book getting publish and displayed in local bookstores. how wonderful to know that there are people out there who enjoy my work of fiction. some kind of heaven. and perhaps after that i'll take the next big step, which is getting invited to PBAKL to give out my signature to readers. God knows how long i've been hoping to do that. and be a celebrity for a week. readers want to take pictures with you and publisher keep praising you for your work, which at the time already sold out for only five days since PBAKL starts. 

my book also will get on the top 10 bestselling fiction EVERY WEEK at MPH because it is THAT GOOD. a couple booktokers will make tiktoks about my book and the videos get viral overnight. everyone wants to get their hand on this book to make sure it isnt another marketing strategy and later on they satisfied with their purchase :))))) a girl could only dream, unless....

Oh Allah, when will i experience this?

song - Decorate, Yuna

(i already started on a manuscript, if you're wondering)

well well well

September 5th, 2023

there must be something in berlin air that affects the entire friendship of my friends. 

because why the fuck did i just heard a story about one of my friends having s*x in a shared apartment while others were sleeping.

its a lot to unpack here. i know i shouldnt be surprised because stuff like this happen often. especially among muslim students who study abroad. theres a famous telltale that sometimes in a desperate situation, they share apartment with opposite gender to save rent cost.

but never have i ever thought it will happen to people that i know. 

its crazy. getting railed in a shared apartment? while other people were there? IN A LIVING ROOM? RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY SALAD?? okay that's obviously a stretch. but not the living room one. 

the craziest part is its not even a year yet since she lives in berlin. how everything can go downhill this fast

do i predict this will happen eventually? yesnt. she does look like she watch adult film, because she sometimes make jokes about s*x. but i never thought it would coming to her actually doing it. she looks just as loser as me. AND SHE'S SMART TOO. how could you let your intrusive thought go that far and let out a moan loudly in an apartment full of your innocent friends.... (thats what im being told)

anyway, i believe this has A LOT to do with consuming too much pornography media. she did mention she read hentai. its always the nerd-looking innocent-looking person that doing the most explicit stuff behind everyone's back. but judging her doenst make me a better person. im just a sinner with different kind of deed. she's having a hard time and i supposed to understand her. but whatever it is, i hope she's recovering soon. depression is no joke. once you did a mistake, and later on you bring along the guilt of it and keep thinking how embarrassing people must have think of you and you just feel like hang yourself. 

everyday i feel like killing myself because i dont feel like life's going to be better for me. but i keep on living, like normal. waking up late, miss subuh prayer, have lunch late, catch stomach ache because of that, play with my phone until asar, sleep super late at night and repeat the same thing every day. i hate living unproductive life like this, it slowly drains me. i still havent get email from unis that i applied to yet and im being lazy. 

like i said, not everyone has it easy. living in better country or not, have a lot of friends or not, the challenges will be there, waiting at the door. nobody can really escape the burden of depression, even if they live a different life than they used to. so what really matters is, to seek God and His blessings. 

i wonder when will i take my prayer seriously

depression is all around

August 20th, 2023

running away from your problem doesnt solve it, same thing as moving to a better country. it doesn't make your depression magically disappear. 

just today that i realized my friend, who're currently in germany for her studies, deactivated her instagram account, which she used to post a lot about her having fun. i like her post because it clearly display how she didnt give a damn about what people think of her. she's the embodiment of 'life is about having fun' and i agree with that. even if her laughter sometimes feels like a force, but at least her followers know she's having fun. 

when it comes to her, people who's not close to her might think she's the internet term of 'pick me'. but i think she's cool. i like people who show that instagram post isnt as scary as they said. likes doesnt matter anymore. if everyone had this mindset, we would all be happy again, and instagram can be at its peak again. i made this strict rule for my feed that it only has single picture in one post. no particular reason, just want to make my feed looks like 'it still belongs in 2014'. which also from others perspective, must have look like i have the most boring post ever. but I DONT CARE. i want to shitpost whenever i like. i want to post a picture of a wall and get at least 20 likes. i hope people realize that its embarassing if they're overthinking about people's post on social media.

posting on instagram isnt fun anymore. even if i post a picture of my face, i'd get like 36 likes. thats so SAD. i used to have 80 likes of pic of calum hood. mark zuckerberg should really make insta 2014 again or else he'll never find peace. Threads doesn't work like he intended because the guilt of messing up IG with ads and shops. you reap what you sow

anyway, back on my friend. before this, i did saw she shared on status about a conversation between her and a friend back in malaysia. her friend gave her motivational paragraph about depression or sumn. i dont know much, i didnt check people's status. but i believe she's been talking about the stress she endured in germany. 

oh well that's bound to happen. i've predicted this before, even told it on her face that im not sure about studying in germany (which at the time i was covering up my sadness about the alevel result). but it's slowly showing its truth, i guess

regardless, i hope you're doing okay, wherever you are. you're still my friend no matter what

fear and frustration

September 11th, 2023

last week, when the talent acquisition called me, she informed that she will let me know if i get chosen to be interviewed by her manager. she will email me on MONDAY. 

guess what day is today

montag :)

its 6pm, office hour probably already end so i guess... thats it. my journey of anxiousness and begging and throwing up and crying finally comes to an end. i dont get the scholarship and i dont have any university to do my degree. my excitement to take ielts and make a great comeback statement on my instagram second account has died down.

i dont have the energy to do anything now, not even applying to private uni. everything is expensive and against the income of my dad. if he knew how much he's about to pay for my studies, we wont be enjoying good food like we used to. and maybe we wont be going overseas to visit my sisters at all. and i will attend my class with guilt everyday knowing how much my parents have to suffer to get me a degree. 

im not familiar with rejection so its hard for me to handle my feelings. nothing happens according to my plan and now i feel like im failing in life. i feel like everything is against me and the only way i can escape this and be happy again is by doing nothing. just let the flow take me wherever it wishes.

now that a lot uni applications has closed, then do i need to wait another year and cry in my lonely dark bedroom again? damn i should've take ielts long time ago

and for Ainaa from Eduvisor, sorry that i lied to you about already enrol to public uni. i just want you to leave me alone because i was in distress. thanks for suggesting me those private unis i can go to, but i cant afford any of them. 

an unfortunate turn of event

September 7th, 2023

my worst fears were realised. "Tidak berjaya" was displayed on the monitor screen. As big as it should.

mama sat next to me, shocked but at the same time pulled her phone to the screen, and took a picture. i was checking the connection, making sure it wasn't another usual governmental website crash caused by heavy traffic. she started to blast out the news to the family whatsapp groups, yes, GROUPS. she might, or might not care that i was in one of the groups as well as my phone chimed, loud and clear, filling the silence in my room. it was the picture of my screen.

there were five links. i clicked all of them, filled out my IC number in each empty box. the same words came out. checked twitter, maybe everyone saw the same word, but no. they didnt. even some of them got into the uni that i want. the course i was meant to take. 

minutes past, and the family whatsapp group already had 20+ notifications. everyone came close, including the one in another country far far away. but i couldnt bring myself to read in the group yet. i just read them from my notification centre. "check again. might be a mistake" "apply private uni" "apply uni in the uk" "apply this scholarship" "take ielts"

if only they knew how hard it is to apply anything with this result

just when i thought there's nothing left for me, a call from the scholarship that i've been longing for came to the rescue. but i was at my lowest at the time. so when she, the talent acquisition, explained to me about the scholarship and my life in germany if i get it, i didnt pay attention to her that much. i was nervous and sad and i told her about my failed upu result. she also asked about other unis that i applied to, and something something. but i already lost hope when she said they only take two people for the scholarship. one person already get it, and there's only one empty space. my application is being processed and will be reviewed by her manager, along other THREE applications from other candidates. so right now i think it's best if i move along and think less about going to germany...

also hoping a rich man interested to marry me the next day

UPU !!!

this is it. the day of determination. i got approximately 26 minutes before upu result is opened am not gonna lie, im shaking right now.

im mostly scared that i didnt get into any uni. getting into uni that i dont want isnt much of a problem. but not getting anywhere freaked me out. i literally didnt apply anywhere other than upu, so i hope i get it. my result wasnt that bad, but wasnt that good either. i dont care about dream uni anymore, i just want a place. 

also, update on the scholarship im talking about. she didnt call yet. three weeks ago, exactly the day that i submitted my email in which she replied with "I will call you tomorrow", she hasnt call ever since. im starting to lose hope in this scholarship. what if it interferes with my schedule. what if i already start my class and thats when they want to call for interview? and what if i get the scholarship? wouldnt it be waste of money if i left the uni i already attended to and have to start over again. 

"i think i've seen this film before, and i didnt like the ending" playing in my head if the situation above really happens. back before i got offered a program to germany, i was on my journey to medic school. i was just to weeks of my foundation when jpa suddenly accepted my appeal. some money was lost, and i had to do medical checkup all over again. by the end of 2022, i already had 3 medical checkups and X-rays. that sounds dangerous. and the ending? i didnt go to germany

so it almost the same as what i said before. happy intro, bad ending. 

and another 12 minutes before result comes...

psa: im jealous

i would be lying if i said im not jealous looking at pictures of my friends in germany. they all look like they've forgotten their memories back in college. they forgot me. but thats how it is. if i were them, i would forget me too. now im just somebody they used to know. one day they will graduate and get married and have kids and if they ever plan a college reunion, i dont think they will invite. but thats fair because i dont think i will come if invited either.

look, i dont want to become that batchmate who always fail her class but one day she finds her true self and makes a comeback. no, i dont care about comeback. i just want to travel and take pictures and have fun with my friends.

recently, my friends were travelling to europe countries. im so happy for them but im not happy for me. i cried that night thinking how nice it must have been if i were there with them. i want to travel around europe with yuna's songs playing in the background too. i want to ride gondola ride in venice too. i want to drop a visit to centuries-old library too. 

im very much jealous of how fun they are having there while im stuck in alone in this room with my a job that pays little. i havent opened my main IG account for sooo long for this very reason. it hurts to pretend that im fine. it hurts to pretend i had fun here. 

im lonely and i need friends to distract me from this sorrow as soon as possible. my sister is taking off to US next week and i just know i'll become more desolate. nobody's going to drive me around anymore and i have to overcome my great fear of driving. i hate that

on the other note, please i want this scholarship so bad. god knows how bad i want this scholarship

song- memo, yuna

nobody can afford ielts

why would an english exam targeted for university students cost so MUCH? who they think will pay for it? a broke uni student or their parents who work 9 to 5 like other ielts staff?

the scholarship im applying for (from my previous post) requires an IELTS qualification but i dont have that. and you know what happend if you dont meet their requirement? they'll immediately cut your name off. to hell they care if you can speak german or know in depth about germany. see, i've been applying scholarships for years now, and meeting all the requirements is the crucial aspect here. exam result falls second. 

the problem right now is money. im broke and my parents need to pay for other things too. im willing to take the exam right this instant if someone can hand me some money, but nobody will. it feels like the moment in the movie where a girl cannot pursue her study at her dream college because she doesnt born in a wealthy family.

and another problem is also about money. what if i didnt get in? wouldnt all these money and effort go to waste? it'll just make me feel bad because im wasting so much money and i dont like feelings. moreover, ielts result only lasts for 2 years. i cant keep it and preserve it to use it for my master later on.

whoever decide an english exam to have expiration date is dumb and need to be locked up.

song - really dont care, demi lovato

the second chance of all second chances

i might know how to get my life back on track. how to have chance to go to germany again. but it mostly depends on luck. 60% luck, 40% effort. 

a private company offers a scholarship to study in germany for two years. of course i will shoot my shot, whether my mom forces me to or not. the thought of studying in germany has been lingering on my brain for as long as i can remember, that it starts to slowly scratch my insanity. I NEED THIS SCHOLARSHIP, even if i have to take the course that isnt really my niche. (they offer mechanical engineering)

i know what you're thinking "but the last time you forced yourself to study something you didnt enjoy, you ended up having minor depression and miserable life" well you're not wrong, but FALSE. i cant believe i said this, but i do enjoy taking a-level. doing past years papers is not that bad. but what i dont enjoy is the little amount of time to study for exam. it frustrated me how unfair it is that other people who take a-level get 2 years while i only have 1.5 years. obviously i need more time. and being surrounded by super smart people didnt help either. 

although i think like this is a good idea, but at the same time im also scared. what if this scholarship is not a second chance but rather a trap? a trap so i dont make the same mistake twice? what if i will be surrounded by another group of smart people? what if this one is worst than before? 

despite this never-ending fear and hesitation, i will do it. opportunity knocks only once and i will give my best to it. 

i've calculate the possibility of me getting the scholarship and its around 40%. the only good qualification of me that probably unique than other candidates is i've learn german until B2 level. i can talk in german and i can think in german. but the two things that will lower my chance to get pick are lack of A in my a-level result and the absence of IELTS. 

it stresses me out so much, especially the ielts one. its ridiculously expensive and if i didnt get the scholarship, my parents money will go to waste just like that. i dont want to disappoint them anymore. i have disappoint them enough with my a-level result, now this? 

i hope they accept muet. they have to.

song - 1 step forward, 3 steps back, olivia rodrigo

I'm active on blog (again) and New Content

 

After taking a long break on blogging, I would like to announce that I'm going to be active on this site agin. Well, maybe not too active (because I have a lot going on right now) but I will surely stay posting for you guys (my favourite 7 followers who always with me). And as you see, my writing has become different than how it used to be. Yela, dulu saya buat dalam Bahasa Melayu, tiba-tiba lama menghilang mai omputih pulak hihi. 

I know it's not really a bright decision because nobody in this modern world use blogspot.com anymore. They all have moved to WordPress and Reddit, me think. but whatever, i like the quiet and nobody-give-a-damn environment blogspot always provide.

Anyway, about the new content, im thinking about life update. College, daily struggles, slice of life and whatnot. Im not gonna do tutorials anymore since i have forgot everything and seems like a lot has change while im gone. So i'll just write and ignore the meltdown of my blog i used to establish. 

welcome to my online journal :)