there is hope

June 29th, 2026

when i thought all my hope is gone, that i will never meet him again, god blessed me with the sight of him. 

i met him at faculty today. and its all because of my feminine intuition. 

we had class at 11am, supposedly its online class. but theres an event in faculty hall. its a talk and attendance is compulsory for third year student. my lecturer wanted our class to go and fill in the attendance. i obviously not the best of the bunch when it comes to event like this. why would i get ready just to go to a talk that i'd probably wont ever care about. these companies that were giving talk are obvioulsy there just to promote their business and pretend that they are recruiting "interns". we all know they just want some cheap labor. 

but when my lecturer said the talk is for third year student, i have a strong intuition that kyle would be there. i mean, we're the same year. of course theres big chance he was there. i tried to find excuse to bring along my friend there, since she also didnt want to go. again, we're not the type to attend talk or faculty event. so i just told her i want faculty food because i had enough of college food. i also wanted to go to family mart vending machine in faculty. also, the attendance. we need to take attendance for the class.

when we arrived, we straight away went to the foyer. the foyer was infront of the hall. theres a table there from kenanga group. they were handing out rm10 zus voucher if you vote for them in some company awards. so we did. we stood at the table and scanned the qr and voted on our phone. while we're completing the vote, suddenly students from the hall came out. they were rushing to that table. maybe they heard about the zus voucher. but me and my friends didnt move. there were so many people there, so theres a big chance that he would be there too among the crowds. 

lo and behold, he was there. he was standing a bit far from us. i saw him because i did a quick glance around and saw that pair of thick eyebrows. i have bad eyesights, but thats definitely him. i recognize that eyebrows everywhere. so i acted cool, and im sure he recognized my shirt too. because i used to wear the shirt when we had class once. me and my friend went to cafe back (cafe is beside the foyer) because theres too many people and we got overstimulated. we sat down and completed the vote. and from the corner of my eyes,  i saw kyle was approaching my way. and guess what. beside our table was kyle's friends. he came and sat at his friends table. 

but me, being cool, i didnt look his way at all. i know he was there. he may or may not sat there because i was there. but i didnt sit there for long. we saw that the foyer already clear of students, so we got up and went back there. i left my bottle and sandwich on the table, just to let him know that i'll be back. he knows my bottle. he saw me drink a lot from that bottle when i talked to him on 12th june.

we went back to foyer to claim the voucher and a free tote bag. we were there for a while, like 5 mins. and when me and my friend wanted to go back to our table, kyle was heading to the foyer. i know im delusional, but i think he followed me. i think he wanted my attention just like i want his. but again, i pretend i didnt see him. we went back to our table, but his friends put their bags on the chair of our table. so we have to find another table. we went to table at the inside of the cafeteria instead. from this table, i got a perfect view of his back. i recognize that back from his mom's business' fb page. i found a lot of his pictures yesterday from that page. i saved all of them and posted them on my private tiktok. new content for me yeay!

of course, im a sucker for his attention since i wont be seeing him again. i got up after finished eating and went back out to the cafe hall to buy from family mart vending machine. after all, that was my goal from the start. i took my time there, since kyle might or might not see me from behind. i was buying stuff and after that walked pass his table again and went to my table. i dont know if he saw me, i didnt glance his way. i kept my face stoic. whats funnier is adam was in the cafe too. two of the boys i like were in the same proximity. how fabulous. i did realize adam was glancing my way, but who cares about that guy when i have kyle. 

anyway, another friend came and she also wanted to vote to get the voucher. so we waited for her to get done. i was glancing at kyles back the whole time. and when that friend was done, we got up to go back to the foyer. i saw kyle was getting up too at that time. me and my friends were walking to the door of the cafeteria, kyle was walking pass that door. and i saw kyle glanced inside the door. he was so looking for me. but he didnt see me of course because my friend was leading the line. i was behind her.  

but i think he saw a glimpse of me. because when we got out and walked behind kyle, he TURNED AROUND. he turned around, maybe forgetting something, maybe just wanting to see my face, who knows. but he saw me eventually. he saw me and smile. but its not like a good smile. its a smile you give to be polite. like both lips pressed together and a little bit upturned. i looked it up, its called closed-mouth smile. and thats it. thats all he gave to me. all that back and forth and he just gave me those lame ass smile. show me your teeth bitch. well at least i got to see his dimples. a girl cant complain tho.

and i dont want to make it awkward because i can feel the tension. so i tried to laugh. i tried to signify that we are friends that suddenly bumped into each other and its funny to me somehow. so i let out a pfft. like i smiled with my lips closed and let out a snort. i want him to know i found it funny that we both meet each other at faculty on a random monday morning. but now that i think back, what if he thinks im making fun of him with my friends? what if he thinks i talked shit about him to my friends and when they saw him they were like, ew hes short?

thats a stupid reaction on my part. i should have just smile like a normal person and moved on. but oh well, i dont want to overthink about this. its just a normal interaction between two friends. whatever i wont be seeing him again. anyway, my friends saw that. and they were like "is that kyle". and i was like yep, thats the man you guys been shipping me with. and then my friends stopped in front of the family mart vending machine because they met other friends of ours. they were talking and i went to the nearest trash can to throw away my trash. and when i turned back around to my friends, there was kyle. again.

he saw me, i saw him. and this time i told myself that i want to make sure i look friendly and warm and not in mocking way. i make sure to control every stretch of muscle in my face. he saw me first and i smiled and show some teeth to show that i was laughing and i find this funny like bumped into your friends kind of funny. but he did the same smile again. -_-

he gave me that mouth closed uptight smile. and i thought hes just awkward so i said hi (with hand gesture and all). but he didnt say hi back. he just walked away. HE WALKED AWAY. HES GOT AWAY. after all that banter and flirting, he just walked away? no hi, no nothing. just that stupid smile. i made sure to make myself acknowledge his presence and this is how he returned it back? whats wrong with this guy. does he has girlfriend or something. does he has a girl in that proximity that might see us talking to each other? is he shy to talk to me infront of his friends? do i embarassed him?

again, i dont want to overthink this. but this is plain rude. whats wrong with him. why suddenly he treated me like we dont know each other. does he somehow find out i was stalking his moms fb? his sisters tiktok? his linkedin? again, i dont want to overthink this. i was just being friendly, like how we were in those friday classes. i dont regret saying hi to him, i dont regret smiling wide at him. but he must have gone through something. or he just simply dont really care about me outside the class. chuffing hell. am i just being delusional all this while? he didnt care about me at all.

my friends were hyping me up saying how cute the interaction was. but i just smiled and said "ew". but deep down, i hate it. i hate this interaction. why do you make this awkward. this is not the kyle i know. my close friend said maybe he was just shy. but why would you shy infront of me? TWICE. one time, i understand. but two time feels like hes avoiding me. he had made fun of me in class. i made it clear that i wasnt shy of you, so maybe you should reciprocate the same energy. 

i used to watch "sign he likes you" on tiktok for funsies, because i dont believe in that bullshit. one of the sign is if a guy likes you, he'll let you know. he will make it clear. he will always want to hold eye contact with you. he wont give you mixed signals. but now, kyle is giving me mixed signals. i know i should not assume anyrhing since we only talk during class hour, but its obvious he doesnt want anything to do with me. i dont want to overthink this, i dont want to overreact, but i think its over. whatever we had before, stays in the past. we'd be stranger again after this. i am never messaging him and asking him about flutter. i hope he overthinks today as much as i do. i hope he regret doing that and find a way to make up for this. i can plot our next meeting again. this faculty is not that big.

btw, he looked good. he wore a white shirt thats a little big on him. probably borrowed. and jeans. i know he had mock business negotiation for our cel, because he wont wear that if its not an option. he usually just wear the same dark blue tshirt and grey sweatpants. but today he dressed up for cel. my friend said hes handsome, which i secretly hundred percent agree. but i just said "you find him attractive because he has fair skin". but now my friends know. the kyle that has been bantering with me in mobile app class. the kyle that talked with me for an hour. the kyle that invited me to go to mixue. my friends seeing his face feels like an ego boost to me. like look at me, a mid looking woman can pull a handsome nerd. but thats only sounds good on paper. because look at this handsome nerd now, he didnt even acknowledge me :( and i have to let him go. for good.

bye.