psa: im jealous

i would be lying if i said im not jealous looking at pictures of my friends in germany. they all look like they've forgotten their memories back in college. they forgot me. but thats how it is. if i were them, i would forget me too. now im just somebody they used to know. one day they will graduate and get married and have kids and if they ever plan a college reunion, i dont think they will invite. but thats fair because i dont think i will come if invited either.

look, i dont want to become that batchmate who always fail her class but one day she finds her true self and makes a comeback. no, i dont care about comeback. i just want to travel and take pictures and have fun with my friends.

recently, my friends were travelling to europe countries. im so happy for them but im not happy for me. i cried that night thinking how nice it must have been if i were there with them. i want to travel around europe with yuna's songs playing in the background too. i want to ride gondola ride in venice too. i want to drop a visit to centuries-old library too. 

im very much jealous of how fun they are having there while im stuck in alone in this room with my a job that pays little. i havent opened my main IG account for sooo long for this very reason. it hurts to pretend that im fine. it hurts to pretend i had fun here. 

im lonely and i need friends to distract me from this sorrow as soon as possible. my sister is taking off to US next week and i just know i'll become more desolate. nobody's going to drive me around anymore and i have to overcome my great fear of driving. i hate that

on the other note, please i want this scholarship so bad. god knows how bad i want this scholarship

song- memo, yuna

nobody can afford ielts

why would an english exam targeted for university students cost so MUCH? who they think will pay for it? a broke uni student or their parents who work 9 to 5 like other ielts staff?

the scholarship im applying for (from my previous post) requires an IELTS qualification but i dont have that. and you know what happend if you dont meet their requirement? they'll immediately cut your name off. to hell they care if you can speak german or know in depth about germany. see, i've been applying scholarships for years now, and meeting all the requirements is the crucial aspect here. exam result falls second. 

the problem right now is money. im broke and my parents need to pay for other things too. im willing to take the exam right this instant if someone can hand me some money, but nobody will. it feels like the moment in the movie where a girl cannot pursue her study at her dream college because she doesnt born in a wealthy family.

and another problem is also about money. what if i didnt get in? wouldnt all these money and effort go to waste? it'll just make me feel bad because im wasting so much money and i dont like feelings. moreover, ielts result only lasts for 2 years. i cant keep it and preserve it to use it for my master later on.

whoever decide an english exam to have expiration date is dumb and need to be locked up.

song - really dont care, demi lovato

the second chance of all second chances

i might know how to get my life back on track. how to have chance to go to germany again. but it mostly depends on luck. 60% luck, 40% effort. 

a private company offers a scholarship to study in germany for two years. of course i will shoot my shot, whether my mom forces me to or not. the thought of studying in germany has been lingering on my brain for as long as i can remember, that it starts to slowly scratch my insanity. I NEED THIS SCHOLARSHIP, even if i have to take the course that isnt really my niche. (they offer mechanical engineering)

i know what you're thinking "but the last time you forced yourself to study something you didnt enjoy, you ended up having minor depression and miserable life" well you're not wrong, but FALSE. i cant believe i said this, but i do enjoy taking a-level. doing past years papers is not that bad. but what i dont enjoy is the little amount of time to study for exam. it frustrated me how unfair it is that other people who take a-level get 2 years while i only have 1.5 years. obviously i need more time. and being surrounded by super smart people didnt help either. 

although i think like this is a good idea, but at the same time im also scared. what if this scholarship is not a second chance but rather a trap? a trap so i dont make the same mistake twice? what if i will be surrounded by another group of smart people? what if this one is worst than before? 

despite this never-ending fear and hesitation, i will do it. opportunity knocks only once and i will give my best to it. 

i've calculate the possibility of me getting the scholarship and its around 40%. the only good qualification of me that probably unique than other candidates is i've learn german until B2 level. i can talk in german and i can think in german. but the two things that will lower my chance to get pick are lack of A in my a-level result and the absence of IELTS. 

it stresses me out so much, especially the ielts one. its ridiculously expensive and if i didnt get the scholarship, my parents money will go to waste just like that. i dont want to disappoint them anymore. i have disappoint them enough with my a-level result, now this? 

i hope they accept muet. they have to.

song - 1 step forward, 3 steps back, olivia rodrigo

I'm active on blog (again) and New Content

 

After taking a long break on blogging, I would like to announce that I'm going to be active on this site agin. Well, maybe not too active (because I have a lot going on right now) but I will surely stay posting for you guys (my favourite 7 followers who always with me). And as you see, my writing has become different than how it used to be. Yela, dulu saya buat dalam Bahasa Melayu, tiba-tiba lama menghilang mai omputih pulak hihi. 

I know it's not really a bright decision because nobody in this modern world use blogspot.com anymore. They all have moved to WordPress and Reddit, me think. but whatever, i like the quiet and nobody-give-a-damn environment blogspot always provide.

Anyway, about the new content, im thinking about life update. College, daily struggles, slice of life and whatnot. Im not gonna do tutorials anymore since i have forgot everything and seems like a lot has change while im gone. So i'll just write and ignore the meltdown of my blog i used to establish. 

welcome to my online journal :)