October 2nd, 2023
after the day my a-level result came out, a voice in my head keeps bothering me with motivational words like "start over" "a fresh start". though i do think its annoying, since i had nothing to do in this house, i had no friends, no jobs, and im scared of driving. hence i barely could do anything to make myself feel better. nothing to "fresh start" over. for months i was in this house, waking up late, crying, eating lunch at 4 and repeat the same thing over again until my brain was depressed enough to keep up with this routine. everyday convincing myself that i need to change, but attempts always appear unsuccessful because i cant go to bed at night without thinking how much of failure i was. or without thinking what a big opportunity i just walk over of.
see, after some manic episode of rejection of my jpa appeal, my parents convinced me to still go to germany using their savings. but i refused, i was in my bad place at the time. all i wanted to do was get away from everyone, especially my college mates. the people that i thought i would go to germany with. i didnt want them to see how much of a mess i was (though i dont think they give slight care of me), but still. i was embarrassed and stressed out. i just wanted to stop studying and live under my parents care forever or until i finally become an author or something. and thats when my bad habits came to light. all i do was scrolling tiktoks and twitter and tried my best to avoid instagram because everyone's having fun except of me. i just coulnt take it.
im not fully over that yet, but its okay. i'll keep believing that i'll have what they have, even better, maybe dating a rich guy and use his connection to get to as many famous movie directors and become a movie scriptwriter and meet with a lot of celebrities. oh how i wish.
at times, i do pray for my friends in germany their downfall. but i know that's not really nice of me. because it the end it'll just come back at me. jealousy is a mental cancer, more men died of jealousy than cancer. let them have fun, its their rezeki. they work really hard to get where they are now and i dont. i have to accept that rezeki comes in many ways and forms. one day i'll have it too.
and today, the rezeki that i've been longing for appeared in my mailbox.
i got accepted into UPM. its such a meaningful day that i blasted out the bubbles to my friends first then of my parents. i got computer science course, specialised in multimedia computing. i dont know what that means, but at least it has media in it. one baby step closer to become a movie director or whatever.
im happy, really. but one thing i didnt happy with, THE COST. they literally include the cost there in the offer letter. rm7.5k for the first semester, almost rm60k for the whole programme. not including the hostel. who's laughing now? (not my dad for sure)
anyway, upm is the perfect college for me, because i will be returning home every weekend. i still need to work. and i dont think papa will give me any lunch money because he already use his whole salary to pay for my study, and i understand that. i dont want to ask him either. i feel bad enough already.
i also have a friend there. she agreed to become my company if im lonely there. she also wants to work with me, which is a good thing. i dont have to drive alone to my house.
about the money, i can apply for scholarship after the first semester. im an ace at this point. i just need to score and do my best, and from this day, my tiktok will flooded with study content only. i used to think its kinda corny, but good grades aint corny. i want to start watching gilmore girls, but she studied in harvard. she gets to wear comfy winter coat and knitwear and wear boots. while im in one of the hottest state in malaysia, i dont think studying is going to be aesthetically pleasing like how they portray in the show, but its okay. i'll try.
i'll try to be like lip gallagher in early seasons of shameless. never seen him studying, all he did was bang girls and do weed, but he still scores his tests. so im gonna make him, and probably rory gilmore as my inspiration now. and because i have work on the weekends, i cant playing around during classes. i have to give my full focus because my best bet is, i wont be studying on the weekends. work is tired enough to milk my brain for maths. so im planning on becoming that person who people never saw them with books but always get good grades in class and is the best student. that person is lip gallagher and that person is me. inshaallah
never postponed a job, like my physics teacher used to say. and i wont. i promise. i will do my assignments right after they're given. i wont let my parents and their money down. i spent days of dreaming this opportunity, and i will do my best. studying will become a part of me that perhaps i will get 'math is fun' tattooed on my forehead or something.
and a new journey of my life begins.
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